Squid vs the Untitled Feeling

Sometimes I believe I become sucked into my own world, and when I'm awakened out of it, this overwhelming fear and discomfort takes over.

I believe it's because I'm forcing a lot of change all at once lately. I'm trying to quit smoking; I went to Destin with Seth last night and experienced a completely different species that I've always known about but never really interacted with, I suppose; I'm thinking about being a referee for the women's roller derby team here in Milton; and I'm trying to decide whether or not to go back to school asap. If I decide to go back to school, it may mean having to put off an apartment for the near future. And that's enough to drive me crazy because I can't imagine living with my parents for much longer.

It saddens me that my parents are missing out on the things I want to do. My dad doesn't feel like getting out of the house most of the time, and my mother feels the responsibility to stay home and take care of him. For example - if I'm going to actually do this thing where I get involved in roller derby, I'd like my parents to come see me do my thing every once in a while. Also - it's going to take so much to try and get them out of the house to go meet Seth's parents. I don't know. This house is their sanctuary, and I've never felt more distant from them in my life.

Time to sleep.

Squid vs Misanthropy

It's one of those damned days again. I thought coffee would help.

But noooo.

Squid vs Achtung!

I'm messy. I'm lazy. I'm all about pleasing myself for the moment, in the moment, and by the moment. I'm unfocused. My mind rattles and swiftly changes from one point to another. After writing the third sentence of this entry, I clicked on the World Market tab where I'm looking for furniture to put in my apartment that I don't even live in yet. After realizing that I should be focusing on the quality and fluidity of this entry, I closed the tab (though there is sooo much stuff I love to look at from World Market). It's difficult to find something stable in my life. I change my mind about friends I want to keep from one day to the next year or next decade. I get bored with people. My predictions about the way someone will act come true, and there's nothing left for me to wonder about them. I suppose that's why I feel so confident and sure about Seth. He's different. He's solid ground in my mind. He's stored away in a cabinet of my feelings and thoughts that I can feel comfortable and relaxed about. There - he will meet Chelsea & other friends. He'll also meet my ultimate interests and mannerisms that make up who I am. Those are The Stable Ones.

I digress. There has to be something more. Are some people really only capable of waiting tables their entire lives? Do some people actually aspire to be a retail manager? Are there people who are okay with not doing anything to make themselves happier? I'm not one of them. I want to change something. I want to use my being to its maximum potential. Yes, I want to burn out at both ends. I want to experience all sorts of shit. I know I need to get a move on. I tell myself that every day, but every day is a new day. A new day to experience the same old thing. I go to sleep feeling that hope that maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and DO something about my frustrations. I set plans and goals. Sometimes I write them down, sometimes I think about them so much that when I wake up, I'm still thinking about those same things, but the motivation has faded away with my dreams. My mind reboots and loses all of the information I was currently working with. Nothing was saved. It just starts over every day. And maybe one day I'll want to do this or the next day I'll want to do that. Nothing sticks. I can't force myself to focus on something just to have a focus. There has to be a strong, strong, STRONG interest.

And... well, not much is that interesting to me, I suppose.

Squid vs Maturity

I think the way my mind works is I decide what it is I should do, and then I decide to do the exact opposite. Kind of like the way I play 2D fighting games against the computer.