What To Do??

Noe will be SO pissed if I tell him I'm not so sure about being an English teacher. I think I'll enjoy it, and it's an art in a way. I'd just love to be an artist. What a great job. With this thought, it leads me to explain my personal priorities that come up every day, every minute, every second. I guess these are why I can't stand to be productive.

Priorities In My Life:

• Drowning myself in things that make me happy
• Exploring my mind & imagination
• Learning so that my mind & imagination can be expanded

I'm afraid that I'm not sticking to what I need.

I wish I could fall asleep and wake up in the place & state of mind I need to be in. Instead I'm just some sobbing wench dealing with Aunt Flo being around for now.

A fear of mine is that I'm going to really go through with something I want to do, and that'll lead me to only God knows where. I'm afraid I'll end up going to art school somewhere in a big city, and I'll try my darndest to become this sophisto artist (hey, look that rhymed!). I'm afraid that I won't mind working shitty jobs until I get my big break. I'm honestly afraid of that. I'm afraid of what could make me happy.

I'm almost 22. I should know what I want to be when I grow up by now.

My Parents Found My Blog

So, now I have a new purpose to write. A new audience. I blushed when my mom told me how she read that last entry. The pissy one. I do feel bad about cussing so much, and it does make me sound like an idiot. Sorry, Mom & Dad.

BUT! It won't keep me from writing in this. It's become a mental outlet, as much as possible. I can't let out ALL of my thoughts, but... the appropriate ones, absolutely.

It's 7:54pm on a Saturday night. I studied for a bit, tried to compile a mix CD for my sister, gave up on that, and now I'm here. I don't think we're going to do anything tonight. May take it easy. Might play some video games. Who knows.

I went to bed with a headache last night, and I woke up with the same one this morning. That wasn't such a great start to my day. I tried to go to sleep to make it go away, but I guess that pissed Noe off. He called me lazy. So I mumbled to myself, the way that pissy girlfriends do, and I got up to wash some clothes despite my pounding head. Although, I do think that forcing myself to do stuff made my headache go away, but I will not let Noe think that he has defeated me.

I still feel uncomfortable here. Everyone's so up and Adam (is that how you say it?), and I'm sitting on my laptop. Rather, my laptop is sitting on me. I feel like I should be doing more. Maybe I'll look for new music.

You Leave a Bad Taste In My Mouth

Everytime that I'm in the library here on campus - I see this short, old Mexican walk by. He looks creepy and scary. It's enough to make me not want to come here anymore. He doesn't carry any books, no bag, nothing. He just walks around in his cowboy boots, a tucked in, plaid long-sleeve, and dark jeans. He's always just walking around. I never see him sitting down anywhere or looking at any books. Ugh... It's a sickening feeling. I'm not trying to be full of myself here, but I'm afraid I'd be in the wrong if I said he thinks I look like a red-headed ogre & he wants NOTHING to do with me.

I'm a little cloudy on what we're supposed to have done for tomorrow's class. My teacher was going to give us a quiz on something we hadn't learned yet until I e-mailed him after class. Then he mentioned something about changing the homework? I have no idea what he's talking about. I might as well just pretend the e-mail is not there.

My days have become routine. I'm talking the exact definition. I have peeing down to a specific time in the day. I'm sure the librarians think I have no life other than to come here, study for hours, use their bathroom, and hog the huge tables all to myself. The point is, when I thought of this today - it kind of depressed me. My days are the antithesis of spontaneity. How boring and depressing.

My mind's comfort has been easily, EASILY interrupted these past couple of days. I feel very upset and pissed off. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with distaste that it makes me want to vomit and then fall asleep in my own expulsions. It's a little frightening I've gotten to that point where that small scenario sounds... kind of nice. Maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe my logic, senses, and my intuition are telling me that something is wrong. I believe in those "gut feelings", you know. I've always kind of ignored my gut instincts, but I have a feeling that these little guys in my stomach aren't taking "No" for an answer this time.

Bah. To Hell with it.

PS: OH YEAH, I MADE A 100 ON MY MATH TEST.

Liable to Become Blind

I'm staring at my laptop screen in the dark. It'll be my own fault if I become blind in the future.

My dad informed me that after working for the railroad for 15 years, he saved up some retirement money. And by retirement money, I mean over $200,000?!!? Maybe I should go to work on the railroad. My dad said that it'll take care of my dad and mom until my dad passes away. When I calculated it, it should run out in about 10 years. So... they're planning on my dad dying within 10 years. I informed my dad of this, and he said, "Oh, Hannah! I don't plan on living ten more years anyway." How sad. I didn't want to think of this. In ten years, I'll be 31 going on 32. I can't imagine losing my dad within that timespan. I'm still all fucked up! I still need his advice and his talks. I'm afraid that once I get things right with myself, that's when he'll pass away. I don't want to stop sabotaging my life.

Sheesh... sometimes I think I have it sooooo bad, but when I think about it - at least I still got my folks. I don't know how I'll feel when they pass away. Just... ugh. I don't even want to think about it. Knowing that they wouldn't be there anymore. No longer someone to call up & talk to when you feel lonely. No longer someone that loves you absolutely unconditionally. No longer a crazy mom to call you and talk to you about things you could care less about. Hmm...

NO LONGER THINKING ABOUT THAT.

I'm sleepy. Goodnight.

This Bed Will Be Hot

I'm sitting on "my" bed with my laptop on it charging. That means that once I decide to get off the computer and go to sleep, there will be a little area full of Hell. Such small, significant things about life.

Alright, alright. For some reason, I've been really interested in this girl's art and what she has to say. Mainly, I'm also interested in just the way she presents herself. She seems confident (okay, maybe a little too full of herself). I'm sure Noe thinks I have some kind of girl crush going on here, but that's not it. It's not too often that I become strangely intrigued by someone. In fact, I'm sure that if I knew this girl in real life, I wouldn't like her. Ahhh, the beauty of the internet: Never really knowing who someone is until you hang around them and you find yourself stabbing out your own eyeballs.

Okay, to the point - her name is Zoetica Ebb, I suppose. You may not find her interesting at all, but uhh... who cares what you think. I jest, I jest.

But seriously. Who comes up with those kinds of silly names? I'd feel SILLY! "Hello, I'm an artist, and my name is (thinking...uhh.. ) Froshetika Schmee Schmoo." Hey, maybe I'll use that.

Well, weening myself off of talking about a person I don't even know - Nothing much happened today. I went to my third session of class, I walked my third strut to the library, took my third shit, and did some homework. But sheesh, it was a lot of homework. I've never felt so mentally pooped out. Haha, hey! Maybe that's why I dropped out of college in the first place. *mumbles

But all is well tonight. I had a beer and began watching a movie I rented from the library. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is the title. A little boring at the point I left off from, but I'll be watching another part tomorrow night.

My back muscles are sore, and my eyes are heavy and closing involuntarily on me. That's my cue to go to sleep, wake up, and do it all again tomorrow. Since when did life become such a chore for me?

(Oooh, ended on a depressing note.)

Perversion

Alright, alright. Over the years, I've come to accept the fact that deep down - I'm a gross person. I talk about running to the bathroom only to "rid my body of the explosive waste that was churning inside me", and every once in a while (alright, maybe more than ONCE in a while), I imagine people doing things that would make my mother blush and exclaim, "Hush yo' mouth, child!"

I'm mentioning this because at one point in time, I had abso-shoot-ly NO problem talking about all of these sick things online & publicly. I had no problem drawing them, I had no problem writing about them, and I had no problem talking with friends about them. But now, I'm refraining from letting these thoughts slip out into the real world because I guess I'm more aware of consequences. I'm afraid that one day, a teacher of mine will come across something I wrote or drew (don't ask how), or I'm afraid that a future employer will stumble upon a drawing I thought was funny at one point and be quick to can my ass.

The internet has become a dangerous tool. It started out as a nice, innocent way to search for information (okay, okay - you had your usual porn sites that would pop up), but now you have shitheads (like myself) sharing their entire LIVES, their shit stories, their boyfriend/girlfriend drama, their thoughts of suicide, their pictures from a weekend that they got so drunk they stripped and then continued to shit all over the place. What I'm trying to say is, I guess I'm being cautious in a way now, but damn. It's enough to make me want to delete my Facebook, my MySpace, ALL of my old blogs, my Photobucket, etc etc.

But will I delete it all? No, probably not. Not now. Maybe when the time comes to get an actual career - when the time comes that I'll be this influential, English teacher - maybe that's when I'll delete it all. I'd hate to have awkward moments in class when little innocent Billy or Suzy says, "Hey, Miss Jones! We found all sorts of things you wrote and posted online!" I mean, sure. I have my MySpace private, and SUPPOSEDLY on Facebook, you can't see anybody's profiles unless you're on the same network. But all of that's bullshit. NOTHING ON THE INTERNET IS PRIVATE.

Whew.

The WHOLE point I'm trying to make with this... is that I am what I am, and that's all that I am.

And maybe sometimes it's best to keep it to myself and away from the world.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

I can't see in the dark, and I think that's what the book is called.

I picked it up from the library today after seeing that my teacher recommended it on his syllabus. I've never read a self-help book before, and it feels strange. It feels pathetic.

Noe and I went to see Master of the Flying Guillotine tonight on the big screen. It was funny. Could've been the one beer I had. Apparantly, my boyfriend is a kung-fu movie master, and the things I thought were really funny... well, according to him - they weren't funny at all.

I'd love, LOVE, LOVE to buy one of those fancy, schmancy digital cameras that take flattering pictures. It seems like with those professional, expensive cameras - NOBODY can possibly look ugly in a photo. It's something about the lighting and the color. My whole dilemma, ever since I was a little girl, was trying to get that perfect picture that accurately (I mean, REALLY accurately) portrays how beautiful something is at that split moment. It all started with a sunset and a bowl of fruit resting on the dining room table. The sun was coming in through the blinds, gently falling upon the bananas, gazing upon the shiny, green apples. It glistened off of the glass bowl. My mom's tablecloth matched just right, too. I knew those floral prints had to come in handy one of those days. When witnessing such a nice sight, what else would a little 12 year old do? You're goddamned right if you say I went and grabbed my disposable camera AND my parents' digital camera. I took a picture with the disposable, then I took one with the digital. The digital was a disappointment. It seemed too fuzzy, too fake. The colors weren't as bright, the light wasn't as sharp. Walking with my mom in the Wal Mart parking lot, I was hoping the disposable one would come out fine, but just as we got in the car - I found it. Nothing too traumatizing. But...

That's when my heart yearned for SOMETHING MOARRRRRRRRR.