Squid vs the Ultimate Path

It's all a mask.

Robots, androids, clones, sheep, manufactured, assembled, wired, chipped, programmed.

Plans, expectations, organizations, goals, standards, normal, traditional.

There will never be a true and known rebel or deviant. Those who have chosen to exclude the norms and neglect the organization that society sets us all up to live by - they're gone. Outta here. They don't even associate with us. They're off living in the mountains or in the woods or on some secluded island. They don't have Facebooks or Twitter accounts. They don't post videos to YouTube. They don't write books, make money, and put out a movie that following summer. They don't whine in blogs. They don't subscribe to SuicideGirls. They don't create artwork that gets rave reviews from the New York Times & depend on heavy corporate pockets to fill their bank accounts due to major commissions. It's impossible to escape conformity that easily.

It is possible to stray from certain popular paths, but once one path is abandoned, you're already following another one. I believe that we, as adult humans, are incapable of literally straying from the ultimate trail. New theories arise when we decide to abandon all that was known before & begin from scratch, with a blank canvas.

We are born. We are taken care of until we reach a certain age. Some are taken care of their entire lives. We go to school. We engage in mass teachings. There is a system that controls what schools teach all of us. Teachers are forced to shove certain ideas into our heads. Then we work. We work. We work. We work. We work. Some work jobs that do not pay. We have sex. We eat. We defecate. We bathe. We look towards multiple, MULTIPLE sources for entertainment and/or escape. We laugh. We cry. We feel jealous, angry, confused, anxious, worried, relieved, dreadful. We have babies. We have pets. We have shelter. We sleep. We talk. We ignore. We keep quiet. We cheat. We lie. We brag. We hurt. Some kill. We watch. We witness new life & old deaths. We live until the moment we die.

There is an ultimate path for all of us, and there are multiple ways to travel it. Never did I say variety to living is impossible nor did I say it cannot be enjoyable... But I do believe that in this life, we have our restraints. I do believe that is the ultimate reason for my unease. It's a restlessness that unfortunately no advice from my family, friends, boyfriend, or acquaintances can put down to sleep. Maybe it'll never settle until I fall under the inevitable and everlasting slumber at the end of my path.

Squid vs Too Much Sleep

I see now that I'd rather get very little to no sleep as opposed to getting too much sleep. I now remember why I failed all of my spring semester, GCSU classes. My head feels swollen; my neck hurts; my eyes are swollen; my body's stiff. I feel like a steaming pile of shit.

The dreams that flooded my mind when I was asleep were not any less painful and crushing. I saw old friends that I miss but in the dream, they didn't miss me. I revisited Arizona, but in the dream - it was a mistake. I meant to go back to either Georgia or Florida. Noe was happy to see me come back. He was excited, nice, and couldn't wait to show me all the things I had missed out on. I had to babysit Michtlan, and he was a bit older. We had conversations on robots and things you could only talk to a little kid about.

All in all, I'm really upset I slept that long. Very depressed, angry, sore, and shitty.

I miss Seth too. :(

Squid vs Gratitude

I thank IBM for laying my dad off.
I thank my dad being too old to get a job.
I thank my mom deliberately not wanting to get a job.
I thank GCSU for accepting me into their school & keeping me from working to pay the house.
I thank the eviction.
I thank Arizona.
I thank the crazy boyfriend.
I thank my Aunt Mel deciding to live in Pensacola, FL decades ago.
I thank her decision to take my parents in.
I thank the job that gave my dad enough time & money to get their own house.
I thank my ability to save money for an emergency plane ticket from Phoenix or Tucson to Pensacola.
I thank those dreams that gave me the courage to wake up one morning & decide to leave.
I thank my friends that continuously texted me from airport to airport, city to city to tell me I was doing the right thing.
I thank my loneliness getting the best of me & hooking me up with Josh for a month or two.
I thank the break up that caused me to snap at Chris.
I thank Chris for being interested in me enough to introduce me to his friends.
I thank myself for telling Seth I liked him.
I thank Seth for loving me in the way I've been needing for a long, long time now.

Squid vs ________

I spent $279 to get my car's oil changed and the window motor replaced. Shit.
Then I bought a Taxi Driver poster for about $10 last night.

Quitting smoking isn't going as well as I thought it would. Some days I can roll with it, and others - I wanna just smoke myself into the grave. Growing my hair out is going well though.

Seth & I are still doing well. I'm afraid he's growing tired of me. Not so excited to be around me. I'm beginning to become a little annoyed at times by things he does, but I still want to see him constantly. Maybe I should go home tonight or something... I'm beginning to feel shitty.

I'm doing nothing with my life. I want to go back to school in the spring, and I think I will. Getting an apartment will have to be put off. I want to get a bachelor's degree, and I want to get it over with. It's not so much I want to anymore, but I need to. I'd love to do English, but we'll see.

Adios.

Squid vs the Untitled Feeling

Sometimes I believe I become sucked into my own world, and when I'm awakened out of it, this overwhelming fear and discomfort takes over.

I believe it's because I'm forcing a lot of change all at once lately. I'm trying to quit smoking; I went to Destin with Seth last night and experienced a completely different species that I've always known about but never really interacted with, I suppose; I'm thinking about being a referee for the women's roller derby team here in Milton; and I'm trying to decide whether or not to go back to school asap. If I decide to go back to school, it may mean having to put off an apartment for the near future. And that's enough to drive me crazy because I can't imagine living with my parents for much longer.

It saddens me that my parents are missing out on the things I want to do. My dad doesn't feel like getting out of the house most of the time, and my mother feels the responsibility to stay home and take care of him. For example - if I'm going to actually do this thing where I get involved in roller derby, I'd like my parents to come see me do my thing every once in a while. Also - it's going to take so much to try and get them out of the house to go meet Seth's parents. I don't know. This house is their sanctuary, and I've never felt more distant from them in my life.

Time to sleep.

Squid vs Misanthropy

It's one of those damned days again. I thought coffee would help.

But noooo.

Squid vs Achtung!

I'm messy. I'm lazy. I'm all about pleasing myself for the moment, in the moment, and by the moment. I'm unfocused. My mind rattles and swiftly changes from one point to another. After writing the third sentence of this entry, I clicked on the World Market tab where I'm looking for furniture to put in my apartment that I don't even live in yet. After realizing that I should be focusing on the quality and fluidity of this entry, I closed the tab (though there is sooo much stuff I love to look at from World Market). It's difficult to find something stable in my life. I change my mind about friends I want to keep from one day to the next year or next decade. I get bored with people. My predictions about the way someone will act come true, and there's nothing left for me to wonder about them. I suppose that's why I feel so confident and sure about Seth. He's different. He's solid ground in my mind. He's stored away in a cabinet of my feelings and thoughts that I can feel comfortable and relaxed about. There - he will meet Chelsea & other friends. He'll also meet my ultimate interests and mannerisms that make up who I am. Those are The Stable Ones.

I digress. There has to be something more. Are some people really only capable of waiting tables their entire lives? Do some people actually aspire to be a retail manager? Are there people who are okay with not doing anything to make themselves happier? I'm not one of them. I want to change something. I want to use my being to its maximum potential. Yes, I want to burn out at both ends. I want to experience all sorts of shit. I know I need to get a move on. I tell myself that every day, but every day is a new day. A new day to experience the same old thing. I go to sleep feeling that hope that maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and DO something about my frustrations. I set plans and goals. Sometimes I write them down, sometimes I think about them so much that when I wake up, I'm still thinking about those same things, but the motivation has faded away with my dreams. My mind reboots and loses all of the information I was currently working with. Nothing was saved. It just starts over every day. And maybe one day I'll want to do this or the next day I'll want to do that. Nothing sticks. I can't force myself to focus on something just to have a focus. There has to be a strong, strong, STRONG interest.

And... well, not much is that interesting to me, I suppose.

Squid vs Maturity

I think the way my mind works is I decide what it is I should do, and then I decide to do the exact opposite. Kind of like the way I play 2D fighting games against the computer.

Squid vs Missing Her Favorite Person

I wouldn't mind spending every second with this man from now and until my body withers into the ground.

Squid vs Time

My problem and biggest stress is that time is too much apart of my life.

I have to be at work during certain times; I countdown until the next day arrives; I always try to guess what time it is before I actually look at the clock; I think about how long Seth & I have been together and how much longer until it'll be a year or two years or three or ten or 20 or 70. I wonder how long I'll live. I wonder how much more time my dad has. I think about how long I've been working at Village Inn & I look forward until the day it'll be a year so I can really get another job. I think about how a week ago, we just arrived at Bonnaroo and how I wish I could be there again instead of here. I keep staring at the clock, watching the time pass, until I have to start getting ready for work in 10 minutes. I think about how long it'll take me to drive to work. I wonder if Lori will be mad that I'm one or two minutes late. It's a rule to try and greet a table within 30 seconds. Get their drinks within two minutes. Their order in five. Food within 10. Get 'em full and out within 28 minutes ideally. Time to sleep. Time to wake up. Time to eat. Time to keep glancing at the clock.

I want a job that does not rely on specific times except your own. That'd be ideal. I think I'd be a little happier.

Time to try to rid myself of this gigantic stress. Time to take each moment by itself and not worry about the future. No use in thinking about the past nor the future.

TIME TO GO TO WORK!

Squid vs the Mundane

I keep racking my brain on ways to achieve something great in my life. I'd prefer to achieve things now while I'm at my youngest. And it's not about money or riches. I just want to make some kind of impact. (Though it wouldn't hurt if I got paid for it.) I can't be content when I'm given some perspective on how tiny and invisible we all are in the universe. I'm already a microbe in the eye of the galaxy. My life is no longer than a blink of that galaxy's eye. I can never hope to be able to travel further into space than my 50 or 60 years remaining will allow.

I'm afraid that my constant awareness of my own mortality is responsible for the feeling of "so much to do, so little time to do it". Yet why don't I take advantage of every day? Why don't I spend my free time bettering myself and expanding my mind? I'll tell you why. I am lazy. I expect things to fall into my lap without me working towards anything. I look at some people that were practically born with certain talents - who don't have to spend money going to school to learn those skills. Then there are people who know other people and can easily squeeze a foot in the door.

All in all, I suppose I have to come to the realization that there are fortunate people in this world who don't have to work as hard as some. I am not one of those people. Whatever I decide to do, it'll take dedication, motivation, and probably a lot of energy drinks.

Being lazy will only be the death of me, and isn't that what I'm wanting to avoid after all?

Squid vs the Lovely, Lovely Moments

I shouldn't complain so much. With the good moments come the bad ones and the same way around. I don't know what gave me the notion that every moment in my life should be warm and fuzzy. It's ridiculous. Maybe I feel like someone or something owes me a good time. Selfish and egotistic is what that notion is.

But those lovely, lovely moments are addicting in a way. A person sees just how surprising a lovely moment can pop up throughout the day. You could be driving down a desolate strip of asphalt, and at that very second the sun is spilling perfectly through the trees and over their leaves. It's meeting your eyes at the exact second it's affronting every other breathing and dead thing alike. You could be spending time with someone, and all within 3 seconds - the perfect music comes on, the perfect words come out of his or her mouth, and the perfect feeling warms your body like sheets straight out of the dryer on a crisp, cold morning.

It's all about the moments, and they're happening every chance they get.

[untitled]

I am

absolutely, unambiguously, unquestionably, unconditionally, on the money, on the nose, on the button, come Hell or high water, certainly, truly, surely, decisively, thoroughly, positively, utterly, really, really, really,
really,
really,
really,

perfectly

in



love.

Squid vs the Unlocking & Lift Away

I'm afraid that the only place that I'll never feel like a nuisance in will always be my home. But Cumming & Atlanta is no longer my home. I have to let it go in order to feel any kind of peace anywhere else, I think. I wish it was as easy as that one episode of Dexter when he drops the Barbie's head into the bay to let go of his brother. But it's not. It's really difficult when you've been ripped away from a place that you had no part of in the decision-making process. I definitely don't want to move back though. I'd feel like I'd be back-tracking in its ultimate form. No learning from visiting & living in new places-- Just retracing the familiar steps and wallowing in comfort of being back in the town where I pretty much started. I'd have my old friends back; I'd be able to go back to the old hangout spots; I'd feel belonged. It sounds nice, no?

It won't happen.

Squid vs Real Time

I always have the redundant epiphanies that run across my mind right before I have to go to work at Village Inn. I think of a job I'd much rather be going to. I don't want to serve sweet tea and pancakes to old ladies all day and night. I don't want to know how you'd like your eggs cooked. I don't give a damn if you want your bacon or hash browns crispy. It's the same crap over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

AND OVER!

If I didn't have to work today, I feel like I'd really work on getting some kind of different career path - whether that's looking up what kind of classes I can register for; working on my photography skills; or just looking on Craigslist at what kind of jobs are a bit in demand right now. I'm going to face the facts. I probably won't end up graduating from a 4 year university. I don't have the money, never will have the money, and I'd probably be very unmotivated. I'd be that older person in class.

I keep telling my mom about this anxiety I've been having. She amazingly always seems to relate it to her first marriage and when she & John went to Baltimore for a little while. It does nothing for me to hear her talk about this. So I end up getting frustrated and just tuning her out until she's done anyway. I gotta find some way to relieve these stresses and anxieties.

Squid vs Waking Up at 3pm

I hate it.
I miss Seth.
I have soul and emotion-crushing dreams when I sleep that long.

I'm done.

Squid vs Dreams

I had some intense dreams last night/this morning. I have to write them down somewhere.

First off, I dreamt that I had a dad who was in the mafia. He and I had to go with a bunch of other mafioso guys to have a meeting with the boss in this huge, old, wooden house. It had screens everywhere, iron bars on the windows, dark brown curtains. We all gathered around this huge wooden table that had beige cushions on stools for us to sit. I was a little kid in the dream, and when we went to take our seats, I ran over and sat next to the boss. I think his name was Sully (my imagination couldn't think of an original Sicilian nickname). When I went to sit down, he held up his hand like, "No, child. You can't sit here." And I realized all the mafiosos were sitting across the table, and maybe nobody could sit next to the boss just to keep him from being stabbed or shot easily. So I went and sat next to my dad.

They were all discussing something about drugs and weapons. I wasn't really paying attention. There were a lot of other people in the huge room we were in upstairs. There were kids, too-- playing with their toys.

My dad started to become pissed off about something, and it got all of the other guys riled up. They were all starting to raise up out of their seats, fists on the table, fingers in the air--pointing at Sully. I looked back and forth between the angry guys in suits and the Italian fat man with dark gray hair sitting across from them. He looked so calm. Just had his hands folded across his ribs. He raised his hands in the air, palms faced down. He told them, "Guise. Guise. Less colm down." Pretty much all of the men shut their mouths except for one who kept blabbering on. Sully looked at him, and quickly pulled his gun out and shot him in the chest. It startled everyone in the room, and nobody opened his mouth. Even the kids were quiet and didn't begin crying or screaming. It's as if they were used to this sort of thing. I was shaking, and I thought that he could turn around and shoot me any minute for no reason at all. I thought maybe he'd be holding a grudge against me for wanting to innocently sit beside him and kill me for it.

The middle part is a blur. I don't know what lead to this point, but all of a sudden Sully started killing everyone of his guys. When he killed my dad, I screamed and sank onto the floor under the table. There was blood dripping off of the table's edges. It was so thick - when the drops hit the puddles on the floor below, it didn't even splash. It barely made any kind of impression. Just a mellowed, outwards ripple.

Once Sully was finished with killing his guys off, he started on the innocent people behind him. People were trying to kill him with their own weapons they had either made or improvised to be used as a weapon. Sully was losing all of his cool, collected self that I had seen before. He was turning into this lunatic. With every weapon that anybody tried on him, he somehow used to backfire on them and he was killing people left and right. Then the little kids started in, and he did the same to them just as he did to the adults with no remorse or sadness. It scared me.

He finished off the last kid by blowing him up with some kind of ray gun. When the guts and blood were done sticking to the furniture and bodies laying all around, Sully looked at the mess he made. He was trying to catch his breath. Walking over to a gas stove, he reached for a couple of grenades he had in his jacket pocket. (???) He twisted the knob to turn the gas on, and as a kid I already knew what would happen if he let that grenade explode with gas fuming out. I was staring at the stove when I heard his footsteps quickening towards the door to run out. I scrambled out from under the table - blood on the bottom of my shoes making it difficult to get traction on the floor. As I was almost to the door, Sully had thrown the grenade behind me and it blew up right when I was through the frame and starting down the stairs. I was jumping over steps and stumbling down just to get out of there as quickly as possible. When I passed by doorways, there were explosions coming out of every one. I knew I wasn't going to make it, but I kept going anyway. Sully wasn't too far ahead of me. He went one way, and I went another when I saw that there was a screen window that didn't have iron bars on it unlike all the other windows. When I ripped the screen open, I realized there was glass. I used all of my adrenaline and strength in my little body to bust the glass out with my foot. I crawled out, cutting my arms and chest up on the jagged edges stuck in the window frame. I fell onto the brown grass. It was a cloudy day. I rose to my feet, and looked up at the tall house. Fire was burning out of all the top floor windows. I was amazed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone walking fast towards a group of houses. It was Sully. I ran over to Sully, and he quickly turned around to see who it was running up to him. After he saw it was me, he sighed and said, "Go away, kid. Ya dad's dead, and I ain't gots any place for youse to go. Scram!" I stopped walking behind him, and he kept stumbling on - looking around to see if anybody was watching. My face swelled up, a knot built up in my throat, and I started crying. In the dream, I knew I had nobody else after my dad was dead. Why else would I be going with him to mafia meetings? Sully heard me crying, and he turned around to face me. He just stood there, shrugged his shoulders and walked over to pick me up.

The rest of the dream is a blur, but we went around killing people and taking their wallets and cars. I grew up to be older in the dream. I think Sully ended up being killed.

The Intermission

Did living in Arizona have that much of a negative effect on me? Sure, I learned quite a few things, but I believe my sister was right when she said my soul was being torn apart. I am apathetic, and I find it hard to truly care about most of the important duties in my life. There are only a few cares that I'm handling with tedious fingers. But my fingers are clumsy, and I'm starting to worry.

I'm fucking tired of feeling this way. Redundancy is wearing me down to the raw bone.

It's time for change, comrades. And by comrades, I mean myself. I moved to Florida to figure out who I am & to be closer to my family. I suppose I've figured out who I am, alright. I'm lazy, obsessive, indulgent, and clueless.

This concludes part one, and now it's time for part two: Working to better myself now that I've figured out what I'm like when nobody is around to tell me what to do. I don't have Noe's parents waking up at 5:00am every morning expecting everyone else to wake up and cook breakfast. I don't have Noe nagging me to do our laundry and to work in the yard while he goes to day labor. I have nobody to shove a boot up my ass and get me to do something. I hated it at the time, but now maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. This is what I wanted though. I have to accept it. I don't know where to go from here or how.

This intermission of Arizona to Florida is lasting a lot longer than what I expected.

I think I'll delete this later.

Squid vs the Actual Weekends

I HATE working every Saturday and Sunday.

I'm really considering getting another job.

Squid vs the Humble Abode

All I want in life is to have my own family, a comfortable amount of money, and a porch for relaxing with my hubby while sipping whiskey & lemonade.

We could fix it up.

Squid vs Famulus

According to trusty Dictionary.com, the origin of the word family goes like this:

Origin:
1350–1400; ME familie familia a household, the slaves of a household, equiv. to famul(us) servant, slave + -ia -y³

"Famulus" is Latin for servant. And we all know what a servant is. They tend to people's needs. They take care of said people. It makes more sense why family is derived from that. As a family way back in the day, I'm sure that the children stayed closer to home when it came time to get married and have their own little families. This way, they could all take care of each other and as the parents got older, the children would tend to their parents as they were tended to. Then as the centuries go by, it's become kind of frowned upon to stay right down the street from your parents. It's become weird to be married off at such a young age & have babies ASAP. It's the norm to shove your mom or dad into a nursing home and pay strangers to take care of them.

Nowadays everyone is set on being their own individual. We want to live our own lives and do our own thing with little to no interference from others. Why would we want to have merely a taste of what it's like to be freed into the world only to come back home and take care of our deteriorating parents for God knows how long? We're taught in school, by friends, by peers, by the media, and most ironically our parents & family to only worry about ourselves, grab life by the balls with an iron claw, and make the most of it. I don't remember leaving home and hearing my parents holler, "Have fun! You'll be back when you finally have your shit straight!"

I really have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't know what I'm going to do when my dad dies and my mom loses it. I'm going to want to put her in some kind of assisted living simply because I'm only 22, and I won't have the ability nor patience to live with her and take care of her. I don't see myself gaining these lost abilities within the next 5 years either.

I feel guilty as a daughter. I've never felt that strong of a connection that a tight-knit family experiences. We don't help each other out without some sort of payback or guilt trip. I haven't really done anything for my parents. At the moment, I live under their roof for free while I try to get on my own two feet. They never made me do chores as a kid, and if I wanted my room to be messy and stinky - then they'd let it be messy and stinky. Same went for my hygiene.

If I feel so bad about it, I suppose I could do something. I could try and stay home more often. I could try to spend more time with my parents no matter how much they upset me half the time. I could try to help my mom more with my dad. I could. I could dish out a nice wad of money and help them get the side of the car fixed. Yep. I could... I could.

Let's face reality: I have the guilt, the intentions, and the idea. But will I do anything about it?

Probably not.

Squid vs the Pointlessness

Up, down, up, down, up, up, down, down, down, up. That's the way emotions work here.

----

I've been sitting in front of the screen for an hour trying to think of what to write, and in the midst of all the pondering - it became: Up, down, up, down, up, up, down, down, down, up, down... down.... down............ down.

Sorry, folks. I gotta turn this one over to the ol' handwritten journal.

Squid vs Sleep

I just read some old blog entries from around the time we got evicted & I decided to move to Arizona. So surreal to read about my predictions of how AZ would turn out. At one point, I wrote something like, "No matter what will happen, I feel like I'm meant to move across the country."

Lots of sadness in me that I'm afraid to spill out onto Seth. I think it'll definitely run him off. I talked to Danny about it tonight, and he said not to worry because there's nothing wrong (see previous entry).

I can't think.

Seth is perfect, and I can't believe I've ran across him.

Sometimes I'll be awake but so tired that it's like I start dreaming with my eyes wide open.

It's happening right now. Goodnight.

Squid vs Itself in 8 Minutes

It's happening again! I can't stand feeling this way. Let me explain real quick.

I feel a sort of self-defeating premonition coming over me. My self-esteem for the day has vanished into nothing, and I really just want to lock myself in my room until tomorrow comes. I don't feel good enough for anybody. I know that this feeling will pass, but nonetheless: caution to those who I care about for the next 8 hours. I will wallow in self-pity until my head hits the pillow & I'm out for the count.

The thing is - NOTHING IS WRONG. Absolutely nothing is bad right now. I have every reason to be happy. It's my mind that's making me think I have something to be upset about. (Or it could be my hormones.)

I have a long, mental To Do list. Seth's birthday... taxes... bills... books... movies.

My soul needs some sort of cleanse. Or maybe I could just use a nap.

Squid vs the Ship

I have an everlasting affection towards squids, but an overwhelmingly terrifying fear of ships.

I miss home. The tentacles momentarily replanted themselves into the red soil while I was back for a short couple of days. Every ground I passed over had a story. I had almost every inch of asphalt engraved into my memory. Nights when I'd be drinking, and I knew the literal streets so well that I could easily manuever around any obstacle in the shape or form of a pothole.

I forgot to go back to my old house and see if me and Andrew's box of goodies was still there in the ground. I slightly remember digging it back up as a kid - being impatient to wait until I'd be older to uncover the treasure. I think my Little Mermaid was in there.

Squid Moment #155

St. Patrick's Day was yesterday. I spent it with Seth mostly, and I have to say it was one of the best St. Patrick's Days I've ever had. We went out to lunch with his mom. We stopped by an antique store that had lots of Black Americana art! Agh. My heart couldn't contain itself. I'm going to go back one of these days and buy it all.

Chris French came over. We ate some corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes. Yum. Then we ventured off to McGuire's Irish Pub which was paaacked. We drank lots of beer courtesy of Seth's padre, and then we came back here where they played God of War III, and I got my Blazing Star and music on. I drank lots more, I talked to Seth & Ian for a while when Chris left. Then I don't remember too much after that except puking and crawling in bed. Blech. I'm totally hungover today as result.

Now I'm bumming at Seth's house while everyone is out being responsible and working or in class. Hmph.

I gotta admit it somewhere besides to his face... But I'm TOTALLYYYYYY head over heels for Seth. One of these days, I'm going to just explode with all sorts of adjectives, nouns, verbs, and maybe even adverbs to describe the way he makes me feel. I feel like he's pieced my heart back together, comrades. I want no one else.

I've come to realize that when you really, really genuinely like someone and want him, you try your damndest to push out any negativity you feel towards yourself for the sake of him. Sure, my past relationships have turned out that I'm the one who hurts the other person in the end, but Josh was right. If I keep thinking that I'm an awful person then I will be an awful person. I don't want to think that way with Seth, and I DON'T think that way with Seth because I'm going to do everything in my power to make him happy & not hurt him.

"I won't care for you
Like I'm really supposed to
There are things I'll do
That could really hurt you": I used to sing those words so loudly when I'd be around a guy that I liked but knew I wouldn't like him in the near future. Seth does not pop in my head when I sing those lyrics. Thank God.

Spellbound.

I hope to GOD that I don't screw anything up with this one. He's purrfect. I sound psychotic in my head sometimes, but it's insane how strongly I feel. Things are a little complicated right now, but... whatevs. I hope things will turn out okay.

Pleaaaaase.

And Yet You Start to Recoil

This alwayyyyys happens. Always.

The repetition has gathered up enough to make me nauseous at this point, I do believe. I feel I have commitments to parties that I cannot seem to keep true. This whole making-myself-happy thing isn't working out because without consideration to others, I cannot remain happy. Guilt is building up; constant debate in my head and inner struggle is stressing me out; my wants are taking control of my needs. I think what has happened is I've confused my priorities. The whole concept, I've come to recently realize, with making oneself happy is doing not really what you want, but what you know you need and learning how to deal with that in the most positive mindset as possible. It's hard to kind of put down in words what I'm trying to say. We know that what we want is not always the best thing, and it's not always what will make us truly happy in the end. BUT! The things that we need... Well, it could take some time to warm up to the reality of those priorities, but we know that in the long run, it'll make us happy in the end.

It's about time that I cut it off at the throat. Just sever the whole thing I have going on because I know it'll make things better for me in the end. I know that what I'm doing now is based solely on momentary coveting, and though it may please me for so long - it'll ultimately destroy me and most likely others in its path.

First Time For Everything

... And for the first time, I'm realizing why it might be best to hesitate and necessitate. Necessitate what means most and will matter most in the end.

It's killin' me, smalls! I always prided myself on being the one to dive in with no questions asked and no hesitation, no thought to the consequences. Am I growing up?

Straight Through Your Gaze

I had some terrible but nice dreams these past 10 hours I slept. It included severed upper lips, the Pixies, best friends from back home, drinking, sleeping in a bed with a warm body, and being in a tall, creepy house.

Things are good. Friends are good. Music is good.
Good, good, good.

(!!!!)

Excitement ten-thousand fold. I usually don't write about things like this, but this is almost too much for my head to handle.

Upcoming plans include going to Cumming the weekend of February 19th to see Kristin Pouncey (childhood best friend) for her 22nd birthday. Kristin Kiser will also be there. I haven't seen those two in FOREEEEVERRRRRR. I'm also going to be able to see Pouncey's family whom I haven't seen in even longer of a time. That weekend, I hope to also see Chelsea and Luke and Sam without having Josh around.

Then! March 24 - Seth, Chris, and I are going to Atlanta so we can see Dillinger Escape Plan that night and then they're going to see Joanna Newsom on March 26th. AGGGHHH! We're probably going to stay with Luke up in Cumming for the couple of nights we'll be there.

AND LAST BUT NOOOOOTTTTT LEAST.. We're going to BONNAROO!!!! It's in Manchester, TN and it's basically a 4-day music festival packed with RVs, tents, good music, and love. The lineup of bands hasn't been released yet. It'll be shown to the world in all of its glory on February 9th, and I can't wait. I'm pretty sure Explosions in the Sky are going to play... I hope a lot of certain bands play though. I'm freaking out. Could this be the peak of my life? It seems like it could be due to my extreme, EXTREME happiness.

Time to go shower and calm down.

Another Dream...

Last night I had another dream that Noe cheated on me, and it really upset me. I woke up with a tear in my eye and my stomach in knots. I don't know why I keep dreaming about him cheating on me when it's been 6 months that I've been gone. Ugh... I feel like we're still connected. I feel like I'm still attached to him in another world; another dimension; another plane. I feel like my dream conscience is still with him. It's exhausting.

In the dream when I caught him cheating, he started crying and begging me to forgive him. I could tell he truly felt terrible about it. When he showed me how terrible he felt, I could tell he really loved me. It broke my heart.

Nobody will ever understand me and him. Nobody will ever understand the kind of relationship we had. It doesn't matter what I tell people, good or bad, about us... They will simply. Never. Get it. I have no doubt that I loved him, and I'm beginning to think that a significant part of me still does love him. And maybe I'll always love him and think about him until the day I die. I don't know. And if you're reading this, and you're a boyfriend or a husband from the future - I'm sorry. I'll stop here.

Brain Is Wanting to Break Out of Skull

2:13am and I'm still up thinking about people that I shouldn't be thinking about. I'm thinking about Noe. I miss him. Even after everything that happened. It killed me when he told me that things would be different if I came back out there. I have a feeling they would be different, but there's still a chance they'd go back to being the same. I'd go back to feeling depressed and missing my family and friends. I'm almost sure of it.

After already going through another boyfriend and being depressed about that, and after...what... five months of being away from Arizona, I STILL THINK ABOUT NOE. I catch myself replaying good times we had, fights we got into, movies we watched together and how we laughed when we'd make jokes about them, restaurants we went to and what we both got to eat. I think about how we went to the arcade, how he'd put up with me going shopping while he was around, how I'd put up with him taking FOREEEEVVVEEERRRR in a comic book store, how we'd go to a late movie if we didn't have to wake up early the next morning and when we'd come out of the building the parking lot would be empty and cold.

I spent two years with Noe. TWO YEARS. That's a long time. And on top of that, I saw him every day. I can probably count the times we didn't see each other on one hand. The only time we spent away from each other was when he got in trouble and couldn't live with me. And in the end, it's not that I didn't love him anymore. It's not that I was all of a sudden sick of being around him all the time. It's because I missed my family and friends. I missed being in the south. I was tired of always seeing Mexicans and Native Americans. I was sad, and when he'd be an asshole to me - it just made it more difficult for me to brush it off.

I don't want Noe to disappear forever. I'm so afraid that no matter what I do, where I go, who I end up with, how old I am - I'm afraid he'll never leave my mind and heart. I'm afraid there will be more nights like this one where I'm up late thinking about him and the ways I can still stay in touch with him without actually talking. I want to talk to him, but I know he doesn't want to and can't talk to me, and I understand why he feels that way.

He told me that when he kissed my forehead at the airport, he wasn't kissing me goodbye necessarily but my "Frankenstein Forehead" goodbye. I can still remember the way I felt when I was hugging him for the last time. I knew it'd be the last time in this life. All of the memories of us flooded my head, and I wanted to stay. Remembering all of the hours we spent talking on the phone and sending each other e-mails before I moved out there; remembering the pure shit that we went through and got through together; all of the places we went; all of the lazy days we had; all of the sex; all of the violence; all of the drinking; all of the pictures and video games; all of the music and movies we shared; all of the inside jokes and codenames and words we had for things and people; all of the times I got upset over something stupid; all of the food we cooked together; all of the bitching we did over who did the dishes and cleaned the most; all of the mornings I woke up when it'd still be dark and I'd quickly get ready for work so I could lay in bed with him for a little bit longer; all of the nights we woke up to the train blaring its horn and rattling by. I was so ungrateful for it all. I didn't really appreciate it in the moment. It's horrible to think back to a relationship that you thought you were mostly unhappy in and realize that the reason why it WAS so hard to leave is because it really wasn't as bad as you thought.

Hole in the rock & the morning after. The park. Chandler Cinemas. Gameworks. ASU. The library. Whataburger. Rally's. Waffle House after that time I said I really wanted to leave, but I decided to stay. Mill Avenue. Zia. Phoenix Zoo as an early Valentine's present. Phoenix Suns basketball game.

A significant amount of my heart has been taken up.

Finally... Some Honest Emotions

Last night, Josh and I talked on the phone, and he finally had enough when I said we wouldn't be together again. We went back and forth for a little bit, but eventually we both went down for the count, and decided that would be it. I put my phone on silent, went to sleep, and I woke up this morning to the following note Josh had written and posted on Facebook. Enjoy. This is probably the best anyone will ever describe me. Oh, wait... Was that self-loathing? Shit. I gotta work on this.

"Alright so I never do these notes so here it goes. You used me to get over all your mistakes that you made in the past couples years. Once you realized you didn't need me anymore you threw me to the side.You say you don't need other people but you use them like you do. You told me that you thought you were a bad person because of how you feel on the inside but I saw all these good deeds and how nice you are to people around you and I would tell you you were a good person. When I finally got to know you and the real person you are which I hope everyone will eventually do then they will realize as I did that you truly are a bad person and a vile piece of shit. I told you that I came to realize you were a bad person and you whimpered like a fucking baby. You said that you knew one day I would realize how horrible you were. You pity yourself so much that it is pathetic. Everything that has happened between us and my realization that you are fucked up in the head was all your doing. You told me when we first started talking that you were going to disappoint me but I didn't believe you at all. Now I wish I had listened to your little 'self loathing' warning. You are the greatest disappoint I have ever had and you will always disappoint the people around you until you stop making true all your little predictions. I have so much pity for someone as decayed as you. You told me that you truly loved me and that you hoped we would be married. I believed all your lies. In the end they were just words you would say in the moment to make yourself feel better about yourself. You would always talk about all the beautiful things in the world and how you wish you could get lost in them (the ocean mainly). How could someone as horrible and ugly as you see any beauty in the world? The worst part about it is that most of the horrible qualities you have I also have. The only difference is that I accept them and try to change them. You give in and buckle under all your little imperfections and act sorry for yourself but you are the only person that can change them. So instead of having all this self pity and feeling sorry for yourself because of how 'fucked up' you feel why don't you grow up and changed yourself and who you are. You always talk about that you want to change yourself ad that will be the first step.

she spread herself wide open to let the insects in
she leaves a trail of honey to show me where she's been
she has the blood of reptile just underneath her skin
seeds from a thousand others drip down from within
oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
my disease my infection
I am so impure
devils speak of the ways in which she'll manifest
angels bleed from the tainted touch of my caress
need to contaminate to alleviate this loneliness
I now know the depths I reach are limitless
oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
my disease my infection
I am so impure
REPTILE-NINE INCH NAILS"