Squid vs the Pointlessness

Up, down, up, down, up, up, down, down, down, up. That's the way emotions work here.

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I've been sitting in front of the screen for an hour trying to think of what to write, and in the midst of all the pondering - it became: Up, down, up, down, up, up, down, down, down, up, down... down.... down............ down.

Sorry, folks. I gotta turn this one over to the ol' handwritten journal.

Squid vs Sleep

I just read some old blog entries from around the time we got evicted & I decided to move to Arizona. So surreal to read about my predictions of how AZ would turn out. At one point, I wrote something like, "No matter what will happen, I feel like I'm meant to move across the country."

Lots of sadness in me that I'm afraid to spill out onto Seth. I think it'll definitely run him off. I talked to Danny about it tonight, and he said not to worry because there's nothing wrong (see previous entry).

I can't think.

Seth is perfect, and I can't believe I've ran across him.

Sometimes I'll be awake but so tired that it's like I start dreaming with my eyes wide open.

It's happening right now. Goodnight.

Squid vs Itself in 8 Minutes

It's happening again! I can't stand feeling this way. Let me explain real quick.

I feel a sort of self-defeating premonition coming over me. My self-esteem for the day has vanished into nothing, and I really just want to lock myself in my room until tomorrow comes. I don't feel good enough for anybody. I know that this feeling will pass, but nonetheless: caution to those who I care about for the next 8 hours. I will wallow in self-pity until my head hits the pillow & I'm out for the count.

The thing is - NOTHING IS WRONG. Absolutely nothing is bad right now. I have every reason to be happy. It's my mind that's making me think I have something to be upset about. (Or it could be my hormones.)

I have a long, mental To Do list. Seth's birthday... taxes... bills... books... movies.

My soul needs some sort of cleanse. Or maybe I could just use a nap.

Squid vs the Ship

I have an everlasting affection towards squids, but an overwhelmingly terrifying fear of ships.

I miss home. The tentacles momentarily replanted themselves into the red soil while I was back for a short couple of days. Every ground I passed over had a story. I had almost every inch of asphalt engraved into my memory. Nights when I'd be drinking, and I knew the literal streets so well that I could easily manuever around any obstacle in the shape or form of a pothole.

I forgot to go back to my old house and see if me and Andrew's box of goodies was still there in the ground. I slightly remember digging it back up as a kid - being impatient to wait until I'd be older to uncover the treasure. I think my Little Mermaid was in there.

Squid Moment #155

St. Patrick's Day was yesterday. I spent it with Seth mostly, and I have to say it was one of the best St. Patrick's Days I've ever had. We went out to lunch with his mom. We stopped by an antique store that had lots of Black Americana art! Agh. My heart couldn't contain itself. I'm going to go back one of these days and buy it all.

Chris French came over. We ate some corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes. Yum. Then we ventured off to McGuire's Irish Pub which was paaacked. We drank lots of beer courtesy of Seth's padre, and then we came back here where they played God of War III, and I got my Blazing Star and music on. I drank lots more, I talked to Seth & Ian for a while when Chris left. Then I don't remember too much after that except puking and crawling in bed. Blech. I'm totally hungover today as result.

Now I'm bumming at Seth's house while everyone is out being responsible and working or in class. Hmph.

I gotta admit it somewhere besides to his face... But I'm TOTALLYYYYYY head over heels for Seth. One of these days, I'm going to just explode with all sorts of adjectives, nouns, verbs, and maybe even adverbs to describe the way he makes me feel. I feel like he's pieced my heart back together, comrades. I want no one else.

I've come to realize that when you really, really genuinely like someone and want him, you try your damndest to push out any negativity you feel towards yourself for the sake of him. Sure, my past relationships have turned out that I'm the one who hurts the other person in the end, but Josh was right. If I keep thinking that I'm an awful person then I will be an awful person. I don't want to think that way with Seth, and I DON'T think that way with Seth because I'm going to do everything in my power to make him happy & not hurt him.

"I won't care for you
Like I'm really supposed to
There are things I'll do
That could really hurt you": I used to sing those words so loudly when I'd be around a guy that I liked but knew I wouldn't like him in the near future. Seth does not pop in my head when I sing those lyrics. Thank God.

Spellbound.

I hope to GOD that I don't screw anything up with this one. He's purrfect. I sound psychotic in my head sometimes, but it's insane how strongly I feel. Things are a little complicated right now, but... whatevs. I hope things will turn out okay.

Pleaaaaase.

And Yet You Start to Recoil

This alwayyyyys happens. Always.

The repetition has gathered up enough to make me nauseous at this point, I do believe. I feel I have commitments to parties that I cannot seem to keep true. This whole making-myself-happy thing isn't working out because without consideration to others, I cannot remain happy. Guilt is building up; constant debate in my head and inner struggle is stressing me out; my wants are taking control of my needs. I think what has happened is I've confused my priorities. The whole concept, I've come to recently realize, with making oneself happy is doing not really what you want, but what you know you need and learning how to deal with that in the most positive mindset as possible. It's hard to kind of put down in words what I'm trying to say. We know that what we want is not always the best thing, and it's not always what will make us truly happy in the end. BUT! The things that we need... Well, it could take some time to warm up to the reality of those priorities, but we know that in the long run, it'll make us happy in the end.

It's about time that I cut it off at the throat. Just sever the whole thing I have going on because I know it'll make things better for me in the end. I know that what I'm doing now is based solely on momentary coveting, and though it may please me for so long - it'll ultimately destroy me and most likely others in its path.