[?????????] HUH

I am beyond amazed.

I was sitting outside in the garage when my parents came out to smoke. I started to get up, while holding my laptop and phone, to let my dad sit in the chair I was in. My mother was already sitting in her chair puffing away. While I was in the middle of un-reclining (?) the chair, my dad fell as he was taking a step down from the doorway into the garage. He broke his fall on the little trashcan that sits by the door and knocked a few tools over. He was obviously crushing it, but it was still staying sturdy.

I started to rush to help him up when my mom got out of her chair (still taking drags off of her cigarette). I figured she was going to help him up. Instead, she snapped out, "You're gonna break the trashcan!" My dad and I were astounded. There he was, obviously unable to get up himself, and she was complaining about him breaking the trashcan. I yelled at her to help him up, and she still just stood there puffing away on her cigarette. Then my dad had it, and he slammed his cane on the ground and yelled at her to put down her damned cigarette and help him up. I couldn't help but stare at them, mainly my mother, in disbelief.

This has added onto my frustration with my mother. She doesn't seem to understand that my father has grown old. Even though she may be able to function on her own, and she may be able to walk without feeling any pain - she doesn't get that my dad is not that way anymore. Whatever it is that's wrong with him, she shouldn't hold it against him. I feel that she does exactly this. I mean, I do get a little annoyed when my dad is asking me to get him one thing after another so that he doesn't have to make any special trips to the kitchen or something, but I keep it to myself and I try not to come off as being annoyed. I know that he can't help it, and I don't want him to feel bad about something that is somewhat out of his control. Now, I have a good feeling that it's not completely out of his control. He gets way too much sleep, he has a poor diet, and he smokes like a chimney. He ideally could change those things, but my old man is set in his ways. I've come to accept that.

Now. My mother on the other hand, she has NO PROBLEM making it clear to him that she's annoyed with him asking so many things of her. I could list all the things that she does, but I'd rather not. This upsets me though. My mom doesn't seem to find joy in anything except television, the birds that she feeds outside, sleeping, and spending money. Of course, she finds joy in other things but those seem to be the ones that stand out... Because that's what she drowns herself in all the time. I didn't even include smoking on the list because it's probably not a joy to her - just an automatic thing to do now.

Anyway, I just feel sad about it all. Today was a beautiful day, and I wanted my mom and I to go do something that included being outdoors, and she denied. She continued watching her show and then layed down to take a nap by the time I left to go do things by myself.

That's the way it goes, I suppose.

Some People Wake Up Feeling Happy After a Nap

I've been going through some radical changes of the mind lately. Now... if I'll act upon these changes or not, I don't know, but it's been fun writing and reading about it all. I'm not so sure if my life has been meant to flow up to this point. Why try making it start to flow the "normal" way now?

I want to live in all sorts of places. I want to visit quite a few places as well. I've been tickling the thought of putting off school for a while until I figure out what it is I want to really do. Yes, I understand college is important if I want to live comfortably, but you have to understand that some of us people out there have an itch that we NEED to scratch. My soul is leaning towards fulfilling other things besides what's socially normal and acceptable. If I end up homeless and starving, then all of you can poke at my cold body with a cane made up of comfort and say, "I told you so."

My nights & days consist of personal red-light districts (minus the immorality, to an extent), cephalopods, the elderly, alcohol, and work. I cross the perforated lines. I bite my cuticles. I twirl a piece of hair in my fingers while deciding if a customer wants hashbrowns or grits with their 2 egg breakfast. I usually forget to ask.

Certain things & people are haunting my dreams, and I'm waking up frustrated as hell. I suppose I'm still not over Noe, and I'm still not over Arizona. I've also added the likings of a certain human to my mind, but things working out with that are near impossible if not completely.

If I could, I'd swim in the ocean again right now. I'd never swam in the ocean at night, and the only way I could was if I was drinking. Annnnnd that's exactly the state of mind and body I was in when I did. I remember the water feeling cold, everything around me was black, and when I'd float on my back it seemed as if I could see all across the universe - looking at stars that probably don't even exist now and have long ago died while also looking at the blank spots in the sky where new stars could be without any of us knowing.

There are all sorts of things that occur out of our vision's reach. I feel it's my duty to go with what I feel is right for my own well-being of the moment. My future is not within my vision's reach. Nobody's future is within his or her sight, but we still live every day as if we know the future is and will be there.

Ease your feet off in the sea.