Brain Is Wanting to Break Out of Skull

2:13am and I'm still up thinking about people that I shouldn't be thinking about. I'm thinking about Noe. I miss him. Even after everything that happened. It killed me when he told me that things would be different if I came back out there. I have a feeling they would be different, but there's still a chance they'd go back to being the same. I'd go back to feeling depressed and missing my family and friends. I'm almost sure of it.

After already going through another boyfriend and being depressed about that, and after...what... five months of being away from Arizona, I STILL THINK ABOUT NOE. I catch myself replaying good times we had, fights we got into, movies we watched together and how we laughed when we'd make jokes about them, restaurants we went to and what we both got to eat. I think about how we went to the arcade, how he'd put up with me going shopping while he was around, how I'd put up with him taking FOREEEEVVVEEERRRR in a comic book store, how we'd go to a late movie if we didn't have to wake up early the next morning and when we'd come out of the building the parking lot would be empty and cold.

I spent two years with Noe. TWO YEARS. That's a long time. And on top of that, I saw him every day. I can probably count the times we didn't see each other on one hand. The only time we spent away from each other was when he got in trouble and couldn't live with me. And in the end, it's not that I didn't love him anymore. It's not that I was all of a sudden sick of being around him all the time. It's because I missed my family and friends. I missed being in the south. I was tired of always seeing Mexicans and Native Americans. I was sad, and when he'd be an asshole to me - it just made it more difficult for me to brush it off.

I don't want Noe to disappear forever. I'm so afraid that no matter what I do, where I go, who I end up with, how old I am - I'm afraid he'll never leave my mind and heart. I'm afraid there will be more nights like this one where I'm up late thinking about him and the ways I can still stay in touch with him without actually talking. I want to talk to him, but I know he doesn't want to and can't talk to me, and I understand why he feels that way.

He told me that when he kissed my forehead at the airport, he wasn't kissing me goodbye necessarily but my "Frankenstein Forehead" goodbye. I can still remember the way I felt when I was hugging him for the last time. I knew it'd be the last time in this life. All of the memories of us flooded my head, and I wanted to stay. Remembering all of the hours we spent talking on the phone and sending each other e-mails before I moved out there; remembering the pure shit that we went through and got through together; all of the places we went; all of the lazy days we had; all of the sex; all of the violence; all of the drinking; all of the pictures and video games; all of the music and movies we shared; all of the inside jokes and codenames and words we had for things and people; all of the times I got upset over something stupid; all of the food we cooked together; all of the bitching we did over who did the dishes and cleaned the most; all of the mornings I woke up when it'd still be dark and I'd quickly get ready for work so I could lay in bed with him for a little bit longer; all of the nights we woke up to the train blaring its horn and rattling by. I was so ungrateful for it all. I didn't really appreciate it in the moment. It's horrible to think back to a relationship that you thought you were mostly unhappy in and realize that the reason why it WAS so hard to leave is because it really wasn't as bad as you thought.

Hole in the rock & the morning after. The park. Chandler Cinemas. Gameworks. ASU. The library. Whataburger. Rally's. Waffle House after that time I said I really wanted to leave, but I decided to stay. Mill Avenue. Zia. Phoenix Zoo as an early Valentine's present. Phoenix Suns basketball game.

A significant amount of my heart has been taken up.

Finally... Some Honest Emotions

Last night, Josh and I talked on the phone, and he finally had enough when I said we wouldn't be together again. We went back and forth for a little bit, but eventually we both went down for the count, and decided that would be it. I put my phone on silent, went to sleep, and I woke up this morning to the following note Josh had written and posted on Facebook. Enjoy. This is probably the best anyone will ever describe me. Oh, wait... Was that self-loathing? Shit. I gotta work on this.

"Alright so I never do these notes so here it goes. You used me to get over all your mistakes that you made in the past couples years. Once you realized you didn't need me anymore you threw me to the side.You say you don't need other people but you use them like you do. You told me that you thought you were a bad person because of how you feel on the inside but I saw all these good deeds and how nice you are to people around you and I would tell you you were a good person. When I finally got to know you and the real person you are which I hope everyone will eventually do then they will realize as I did that you truly are a bad person and a vile piece of shit. I told you that I came to realize you were a bad person and you whimpered like a fucking baby. You said that you knew one day I would realize how horrible you were. You pity yourself so much that it is pathetic. Everything that has happened between us and my realization that you are fucked up in the head was all your doing. You told me when we first started talking that you were going to disappoint me but I didn't believe you at all. Now I wish I had listened to your little 'self loathing' warning. You are the greatest disappoint I have ever had and you will always disappoint the people around you until you stop making true all your little predictions. I have so much pity for someone as decayed as you. You told me that you truly loved me and that you hoped we would be married. I believed all your lies. In the end they were just words you would say in the moment to make yourself feel better about yourself. You would always talk about all the beautiful things in the world and how you wish you could get lost in them (the ocean mainly). How could someone as horrible and ugly as you see any beauty in the world? The worst part about it is that most of the horrible qualities you have I also have. The only difference is that I accept them and try to change them. You give in and buckle under all your little imperfections and act sorry for yourself but you are the only person that can change them. So instead of having all this self pity and feeling sorry for yourself because of how 'fucked up' you feel why don't you grow up and changed yourself and who you are. You always talk about that you want to change yourself ad that will be the first step.

she spread herself wide open to let the insects in
she leaves a trail of honey to show me where she's been
she has the blood of reptile just underneath her skin
seeds from a thousand others drip down from within
oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
my disease my infection
I am so impure
devils speak of the ways in which she'll manifest
angels bleed from the tainted touch of my caress
need to contaminate to alleviate this loneliness
I now know the depths I reach are limitless
oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
my disease my infection
I am so impure
REPTILE-NINE INCH NAILS"