I Can Unnecessarily Rant

It is when you're sitting their and letting your mind cook. Everything is bubbling and boiling from the bottom up, and you become softer. Parts of your soul evaporate from you and sting the gods in their eyes. You have to keep yourself from sticking to the bottom and burning.

But why do I feel that I burn more often that most? I'd like to unscrew the cap of my being off and dust it off. My life is not bad by any means. I am able to take care of myself somewhat, and I am able to keep a job at a place where many people enjoy my company. I have a boyfriend who supposedly loves me very much, and I return the feeling. He's everything I've ever wanted in a guy, and he's willing to move down here to be with me. So why do I feel unhappy? Why do I still feel alone and on my own? Why do I still feel angry? I thought all of this came along only with my monthly period, but I shouldn't be experiencing any hormonal changes right now.

No matter how much of a good person I want to be, I feel there's something that keeps gnawing on my insides. Something bad. No matter where I run off to, it keeps following me the thousands of miles I go. No matter who I surround myself with. I thought that maybe if I surround myself with good people - happy people - then it'd fade into the dark where it belongs.

There is an anger that's trying to punch through my chest. It's ripping at my insides; tearing at my throat; squeezing my lungs. It's doing anything to get out. Maybe this is why people go crazy and commit murder or something just as horrid. I won't do that though.

I'M PISSED OFF. I left Georgia thinking that I could start over in Arizona.
I thought I could simply
just
start
over.

There have been many rude awakenings in my life, but probably no more than any other person. I like to think that I've experienced enough by now to truly realize that I shouldn't get my hopes up, and I should be realistic about things. If your parents don't pay rent, you'll be evicted. If you move across the country to live with a guy who you've talked to for a few years, don't be surprised if he ends up being a little different than you imagined. If you do not come from a rich family and you don't have a college degree, expect buying a car and living in your own apartment to be difficult.

I'm tired of this.

You Can Do No Wrong

In my eyes...

I don't think I have the best mindset to go about moving around everywhere making friends, creating connections, and then leaving. I miss being in Arizona simply because I did have some friends at Johnny Rockets in Tempe, and Phoenix was a happenin' kind of place. Always something awesome to do. Maybe I'll end up back there in the future. But I just know that once I leave Pace/Pensacola, I'm going to miss it for the same reasons. I've become really close to April, and I enjoy my job despite how stressed out it makes me sometimes.

Maybe I feel this way because I'm alone right now, and it's giving me time to think about unnecessary shit. If I had Josh around, then I think he'd be a great distraction.

I slept all day after I got home from work. I was exhausted, but I did sleep too much. I have a headache now. My sinuses are stopped up again, and I've had a tremendous pain in my lower, left rib whenever I breathe in heavily. It kills me to yawn. I really need to take better care of myself. Empty promises over and over and over.

I hope Josh calls me or gets online soon. Bleh...

There's a Ghost In Me

With my dad slowly leaving this life, I asked him if he wants to live to see me get married. Naturally, he said that he does want to. The first thing he wanted to stay alive long enough to see was me graduating high school. Now it's my getting married. That's his incentive. He said he needs incentive to live when one gets to be that torn up. After I get married, he said he wants to see my first child. Then he'll be good to go. I've had people tell me that there's no way I can prepare myself for losing a parent. I trust that advice, but seeing how my dad is suffering now - I'll be happy for him. The other day he said that he doesn't want to be recessitated if he gets really sick or on the verge of death. He said he'd rather go on as soon as possible to meet up with his own parents. He wants to die at home and not in a hospital. I'll try my best to carry all of this out.

I remember when I was in daycare around 3rd grade, someone had to explain the difference between a comment and a compliment to me. It's fascinating when I remember the exact moments I learned something that's so simple now. Squid moment #4?

Josh is the one who has stolen everything from me... but I've never felt so happy about being robbed of my focus, attention, and heart. I'm afraid about some things though. I'm afraid that it's too soon to love someone so shortly after leaving a 2 year relationship across the country. But if I feel it, and if that feeling is true then... fuck it! Why should I question what I feel and what I know to be true for myself? I suppose I worry too much about how things look to an outsider. He's planning on moving down here, and I'm excited. I'm nervous. I can't wait to spend as much time with him as I can. I can't wait to get into arguments and be temporarily pissed off with him. I can't wait to make up.

Sometimes I feel like my body and my mind are barriers for what something inside of me is trying to spew out. Maybe it's why I always feel so anxious and so nervous when there's absolutely nothing to feel that way about. Who am I kidding? I am always nervous about the next second, the next hour, the next day, week, month, year. I'm worried about how my life will turn out. I worry about the last time I'll see or speak with my dad. I'm scared that I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a waitress because I'm already in the business. I'll always feel like I never have enough money to move away and go to school. I'm afraid I won't have enough confidence in myself to make furniture. By this point, it's just another fantasy. I've changed my career choices about 40 times in the past almost 4 years since I graduated high school. It's all so exhausting. And I know it's fucking unhealthy to worry, worry, worry, but I'm never going to take medication to ease my mind. I have to learn other methods of how to deal with it, I guess.

I need to keep myself from... just thinking sometimes. Not tired though. Never tired. Just lonely. This won't make sense.

Alcohol.

I love it too much.
I also love Joshua Rountree too much.
I have an addictive personality.
Please never give me drugs.