New Kind of Angst

I'm thinking about getting my septum pierced tomorrow. I believe that living with my parents has brought me to an all new level of teenage angst... A kind of teen angst that only occurs in my 22-year-old self. It's not even "teen" anymore.

Speaking of angst, though... I'm becoming more and more pissy living with my parents. My dad and I don't speak that much to begin with, but my mother is getting on my last nerve. I'm SET on getting a car and my own apartment now. I'm tired of being angry all the time. I'm sick of it, and I honestly believe it's because I'm around my parents too much. I've already been out on my own, and having a mother around who's constantly trying to do things for me is slowly killing my mental well-being.

I can't think anymore. I have about an hour before I have to be at work. I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll look at more steampunk attire.

Take it easy, wheezy.

Hannah

I Can Unnecessarily Rant

It is when you're sitting their and letting your mind cook. Everything is bubbling and boiling from the bottom up, and you become softer. Parts of your soul evaporate from you and sting the gods in their eyes. You have to keep yourself from sticking to the bottom and burning.

But why do I feel that I burn more often that most? I'd like to unscrew the cap of my being off and dust it off. My life is not bad by any means. I am able to take care of myself somewhat, and I am able to keep a job at a place where many people enjoy my company. I have a boyfriend who supposedly loves me very much, and I return the feeling. He's everything I've ever wanted in a guy, and he's willing to move down here to be with me. So why do I feel unhappy? Why do I still feel alone and on my own? Why do I still feel angry? I thought all of this came along only with my monthly period, but I shouldn't be experiencing any hormonal changes right now.

No matter how much of a good person I want to be, I feel there's something that keeps gnawing on my insides. Something bad. No matter where I run off to, it keeps following me the thousands of miles I go. No matter who I surround myself with. I thought that maybe if I surround myself with good people - happy people - then it'd fade into the dark where it belongs.

There is an anger that's trying to punch through my chest. It's ripping at my insides; tearing at my throat; squeezing my lungs. It's doing anything to get out. Maybe this is why people go crazy and commit murder or something just as horrid. I won't do that though.

I'M PISSED OFF. I left Georgia thinking that I could start over in Arizona.
I thought I could simply
just
start
over.

There have been many rude awakenings in my life, but probably no more than any other person. I like to think that I've experienced enough by now to truly realize that I shouldn't get my hopes up, and I should be realistic about things. If your parents don't pay rent, you'll be evicted. If you move across the country to live with a guy who you've talked to for a few years, don't be surprised if he ends up being a little different than you imagined. If you do not come from a rich family and you don't have a college degree, expect buying a car and living in your own apartment to be difficult.

I'm tired of this.

You Can Do No Wrong

In my eyes...

I don't think I have the best mindset to go about moving around everywhere making friends, creating connections, and then leaving. I miss being in Arizona simply because I did have some friends at Johnny Rockets in Tempe, and Phoenix was a happenin' kind of place. Always something awesome to do. Maybe I'll end up back there in the future. But I just know that once I leave Pace/Pensacola, I'm going to miss it for the same reasons. I've become really close to April, and I enjoy my job despite how stressed out it makes me sometimes.

Maybe I feel this way because I'm alone right now, and it's giving me time to think about unnecessary shit. If I had Josh around, then I think he'd be a great distraction.

I slept all day after I got home from work. I was exhausted, but I did sleep too much. I have a headache now. My sinuses are stopped up again, and I've had a tremendous pain in my lower, left rib whenever I breathe in heavily. It kills me to yawn. I really need to take better care of myself. Empty promises over and over and over.

I hope Josh calls me or gets online soon. Bleh...

There's a Ghost In Me

With my dad slowly leaving this life, I asked him if he wants to live to see me get married. Naturally, he said that he does want to. The first thing he wanted to stay alive long enough to see was me graduating high school. Now it's my getting married. That's his incentive. He said he needs incentive to live when one gets to be that torn up. After I get married, he said he wants to see my first child. Then he'll be good to go. I've had people tell me that there's no way I can prepare myself for losing a parent. I trust that advice, but seeing how my dad is suffering now - I'll be happy for him. The other day he said that he doesn't want to be recessitated if he gets really sick or on the verge of death. He said he'd rather go on as soon as possible to meet up with his own parents. He wants to die at home and not in a hospital. I'll try my best to carry all of this out.

I remember when I was in daycare around 3rd grade, someone had to explain the difference between a comment and a compliment to me. It's fascinating when I remember the exact moments I learned something that's so simple now. Squid moment #4?

Josh is the one who has stolen everything from me... but I've never felt so happy about being robbed of my focus, attention, and heart. I'm afraid about some things though. I'm afraid that it's too soon to love someone so shortly after leaving a 2 year relationship across the country. But if I feel it, and if that feeling is true then... fuck it! Why should I question what I feel and what I know to be true for myself? I suppose I worry too much about how things look to an outsider. He's planning on moving down here, and I'm excited. I'm nervous. I can't wait to spend as much time with him as I can. I can't wait to get into arguments and be temporarily pissed off with him. I can't wait to make up.

Sometimes I feel like my body and my mind are barriers for what something inside of me is trying to spew out. Maybe it's why I always feel so anxious and so nervous when there's absolutely nothing to feel that way about. Who am I kidding? I am always nervous about the next second, the next hour, the next day, week, month, year. I'm worried about how my life will turn out. I worry about the last time I'll see or speak with my dad. I'm scared that I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a waitress because I'm already in the business. I'll always feel like I never have enough money to move away and go to school. I'm afraid I won't have enough confidence in myself to make furniture. By this point, it's just another fantasy. I've changed my career choices about 40 times in the past almost 4 years since I graduated high school. It's all so exhausting. And I know it's fucking unhealthy to worry, worry, worry, but I'm never going to take medication to ease my mind. I have to learn other methods of how to deal with it, I guess.

I need to keep myself from... just thinking sometimes. Not tired though. Never tired. Just lonely. This won't make sense.

Alcohol.

I love it too much.
I also love Joshua Rountree too much.
I have an addictive personality.
Please never give me drugs.

[?????????] HUH

I am beyond amazed.

I was sitting outside in the garage when my parents came out to smoke. I started to get up, while holding my laptop and phone, to let my dad sit in the chair I was in. My mother was already sitting in her chair puffing away. While I was in the middle of un-reclining (?) the chair, my dad fell as he was taking a step down from the doorway into the garage. He broke his fall on the little trashcan that sits by the door and knocked a few tools over. He was obviously crushing it, but it was still staying sturdy.

I started to rush to help him up when my mom got out of her chair (still taking drags off of her cigarette). I figured she was going to help him up. Instead, she snapped out, "You're gonna break the trashcan!" My dad and I were astounded. There he was, obviously unable to get up himself, and she was complaining about him breaking the trashcan. I yelled at her to help him up, and she still just stood there puffing away on her cigarette. Then my dad had it, and he slammed his cane on the ground and yelled at her to put down her damned cigarette and help him up. I couldn't help but stare at them, mainly my mother, in disbelief.

This has added onto my frustration with my mother. She doesn't seem to understand that my father has grown old. Even though she may be able to function on her own, and she may be able to walk without feeling any pain - she doesn't get that my dad is not that way anymore. Whatever it is that's wrong with him, she shouldn't hold it against him. I feel that she does exactly this. I mean, I do get a little annoyed when my dad is asking me to get him one thing after another so that he doesn't have to make any special trips to the kitchen or something, but I keep it to myself and I try not to come off as being annoyed. I know that he can't help it, and I don't want him to feel bad about something that is somewhat out of his control. Now, I have a good feeling that it's not completely out of his control. He gets way too much sleep, he has a poor diet, and he smokes like a chimney. He ideally could change those things, but my old man is set in his ways. I've come to accept that.

Now. My mother on the other hand, she has NO PROBLEM making it clear to him that she's annoyed with him asking so many things of her. I could list all the things that she does, but I'd rather not. This upsets me though. My mom doesn't seem to find joy in anything except television, the birds that she feeds outside, sleeping, and spending money. Of course, she finds joy in other things but those seem to be the ones that stand out... Because that's what she drowns herself in all the time. I didn't even include smoking on the list because it's probably not a joy to her - just an automatic thing to do now.

Anyway, I just feel sad about it all. Today was a beautiful day, and I wanted my mom and I to go do something that included being outdoors, and she denied. She continued watching her show and then layed down to take a nap by the time I left to go do things by myself.

That's the way it goes, I suppose.

Some People Wake Up Feeling Happy After a Nap

I've been going through some radical changes of the mind lately. Now... if I'll act upon these changes or not, I don't know, but it's been fun writing and reading about it all. I'm not so sure if my life has been meant to flow up to this point. Why try making it start to flow the "normal" way now?

I want to live in all sorts of places. I want to visit quite a few places as well. I've been tickling the thought of putting off school for a while until I figure out what it is I want to really do. Yes, I understand college is important if I want to live comfortably, but you have to understand that some of us people out there have an itch that we NEED to scratch. My soul is leaning towards fulfilling other things besides what's socially normal and acceptable. If I end up homeless and starving, then all of you can poke at my cold body with a cane made up of comfort and say, "I told you so."

My nights & days consist of personal red-light districts (minus the immorality, to an extent), cephalopods, the elderly, alcohol, and work. I cross the perforated lines. I bite my cuticles. I twirl a piece of hair in my fingers while deciding if a customer wants hashbrowns or grits with their 2 egg breakfast. I usually forget to ask.

Certain things & people are haunting my dreams, and I'm waking up frustrated as hell. I suppose I'm still not over Noe, and I'm still not over Arizona. I've also added the likings of a certain human to my mind, but things working out with that are near impossible if not completely.

If I could, I'd swim in the ocean again right now. I'd never swam in the ocean at night, and the only way I could was if I was drinking. Annnnnd that's exactly the state of mind and body I was in when I did. I remember the water feeling cold, everything around me was black, and when I'd float on my back it seemed as if I could see all across the universe - looking at stars that probably don't even exist now and have long ago died while also looking at the blank spots in the sky where new stars could be without any of us knowing.

There are all sorts of things that occur out of our vision's reach. I feel it's my duty to go with what I feel is right for my own well-being of the moment. My future is not within my vision's reach. Nobody's future is within his or her sight, but we still live every day as if we know the future is and will be there.

Ease your feet off in the sea.

Just... Bubbling. Bubbling Up. Billions of Ideas.

Finally! Could this be a happy post?

Well, a few days ago, my laptop crapped out on me. I've gone through all this time and pain of trying to get my hard drive backed up. Bought two faulty external enclosures, but finally got it all to work. I'm too exhausted to explain any details. I gotta save up for a new laptop though.

I got a job at Village Inn. Everyone thinks it's a hotel when I tell them where I work, but it's a little restaurant that specializes in breakfast and pies. I guess I'm getting the hang of it. Today was my 3rd day of training, and at the end of my shift, I took a written test and then did a service test where I had to serve my boss and co-worker. I did well on both, I suppose, because they want me back tomorrow morning at 8 to serve by myself. EEEE! I'm excited. Mo' money.... less problems. At least for me.

Still sitting around when not working though. Too tired to do anything else. I was waking up around 11:00am almost every day before I got this job, and now I'm waking up at 6:00. Don't get me wrong, it's a lot better. I love being awake in the morning, but I also love being awake late at night. :( People say that something's gotta give, but I say no. No, thanks.

I've also been listening to Nine Inch Nails again. I think I'll forever love Trent Reznor...

So Long, Lonesome

Well, I started my period yesterday. This explains my irrational anger, sadness, sleepyness, and overall... irrationality. It could very well explain why I've been having such depressing dreams lately, too.

Last night I dreamt that I was back in Tucson living in the "West Side Barrio Sovaco" again. I was on the bus with Noe, and there was this girl who he had known from high school or something. Out of nowhere, he put his arms around her and she was cuddling with him. I moved to another seat to see if he'd follow me, and he didn't. I got really upset, and I got off the bus prematurely. I remember running through woods and checking behind me to see if he was looking for/following me. After the sun went down, I heard him calling my name and running. I ducked behind trees and crouched in bushes. When I got a look at his face, it was oddly enough my ex-boyfriend from high school, Danny. He turned away for a second, and I bolted into someone's backyard - hopping over their fence. He saw me and was on my trail now. I ran fast enough so that I could reach a Target store. I ran inside and found some old man to give me a ride somewhere. He told me I'd have to talk to his young granddaughter about getting a ride. By the time I got to his granddaughter who was waiting in the car outside, Noe (changed faces again) was jogging through the Target parking lot looking for me. He'd go up to people asking if they had seen me and would dart away cursing after they didn't know who he was talking about.

I think at one point, he started crying and yelling out my name. I felt bad. But I remembered how he had his arms around that girl on the bus and the way he ignored me when I moved seats. So, I got into the girl's car, and I sank down so that he wouldn't see us drive by. We got to a red light, and he wandered over to the cars sitting there. He briefly looked inside the cars at the people, and when he walked up to our car - he didn't see me at first but when he leaned in the rolled down window to ask the girl if she had seen me, he saw me. I got out of the car and started yelling at him. While I was yelling and crying, the faces often switched from Noe to Danny. It ultimately ended with Noe's face, I guess. I can't remember anything else that happened after he tried explaining why he did what he did.

BLAH. It put me in a sad mood for the day again.

I have to go on though. Can't have too much of this sad business. I feel worse than I did when I first got here.

I swear: I'll cheer up, and I'll write a happy, little post soon.

Saturday Moment

I had a dream last night about Noe. In the dream, I guess we were still together. He ended up meeting this redhead with huge knockers (for some reason that's how I imagine his dreamgirl), and he cheated on me with her. I was sad, and I woke up crying. But it dawned that we're no longer together... and that kind of made me feel worse.

I have no doubt that Noe really did love me. Although he did many questionable things that would prove otherwise - I still believe he enjoyed having me around most of the time. But I also have no doubt that his life will, in fact, be easier now that I've left it. Noe had a lot of things to care and worry about without having me around, and I hope that he's tightening grasp around looking for a career, passing his FE exam, and just trying to be a happy person overall now that I'm gone.

And so sets in the regret, the wonder, the fear that maybe Noe was the only guy who would love me... But that's silly to think and to be afraid of. There are TONS of guys out there who I'm sure I'll meet and have a relationship with. My good friend Cat warned me of these feelings. She seems to be the only person who has been giving me advice and pointers throughout this whole thing. My parents think that it's best not to talk about it so I don't get upset, and I guess everyone else feels that they've already said what they need to say about me breaking up with Noe and moving back to the East. "It's tough, but you're a strong person. It'll take time to get over it, but find a job and go to school as soon as you can." Then I'm kind of left in the dark. Cat has talked to me about this more than anyone, and she's made me feel better. She's made it clear that I'm not the only one who's gone through something like this, and the things that I feel are TOTALLY natural. So... Cat, if you're reading this, thanks. I've already told you thanks a million times, and I'll tell you a million times more until my heart is content. :)

I've tried looking for a job already. I can't tell you how many places I went and none of them were hiring. It's so... discouraging. BUT! No fear. I still have yet to go towards Pensacola to look for a job. With that being a larger city, I think I could have some luck there. It would just be a bitch to drive at least 15 minutes to get to my job.

Well, now that I've gotten some of that out of my system, I should go look for a job now. Wish me luck.

Hannah

Finally Some Moment

Today was a good day. I had a chance to file my nails and repaint them. They're nice and long now. I still can't get used to handling every day things with them. I feel like anything I do is going to break them or bend them backwards. What a horrible feeling that is, too.

I bought a couple of goodies from the antique store yesterday. They're the best gifts I've bought myself recently. There's the old Moonshiner and then I got this "Mammy" type lady who watches over me at night and asks me every now and then if I'd like some "cawnbread" and "fried chiggin". It's almost like having a grandma around all the time.

Aren't they cute? Anyway. That's what's been keeping my chin up for the day.



I broke down and rented Twilight after all. I feel like watching something idiotic, and maybe I'll enjoy it! Hahaha... Oh, god. Help me.

I really have low faith in humanity. And if that means I have low faith in myself, then so be it.

Night #4

I'm extremely depressed and bored. There's nothing but old people in this town, and everyone's too busy to talk tonight.

Understandable. It's a Saturday night.

Nothing but myself and music.

I miss Noe so much.

Left Arizona

I finally made the bold move and left Arizona and all of its people.

As a result, I broke up with my boyfriend. It's been somewhat of a sad time. People tell me it's normal to mourn over a relationship, even if the other person was an asshole. Sometimes I feel self-centered enough to think that God is basing all of his jokes around me. For instance, my mother and I were in this ho-dunk grocery store that was playing Celine Dion when we walked in. I was trying to choose which toothpaste to buy when suddenly, the song that would be considered to most as "our song" (me and Noe) came on. It was none other than "I'll Be Your Mirror" by The Velvet Underground & Nico. My heart sank, and I thought in my head, "Why, dammit? Of all the songs that could be playing during the 10 minutes I'm in here, why did this one have to come on?" And I'm pretty damned sure I've never, ever heard that song in a damned grocery store.

But it's all normal, I guess. It's been strange going from living in the city, surrounded mostly by Mexicans, Native Americans, and young hipsters to living in this small town that consists of old, white people. Any young people I see, judging by the way they dress and the friends they have, I'm almost positive they listen to Kid Rock or AC/DC and think it's the best. Bleh.

So, I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is that I'm with my parents now, and I need to obtain a $20 Florida license. Yeah. Twenty dollars. Isn't that ridiculous?

I'm bummed out that I left practically all of my art supplies in Arizona to either be thrown away or forgotten about. Noe's sisters are pretty artistic, and I told his mom they could have anything I left.

Not sure when I'll start looking for a job. I know that being a waitress, I can make a lot of money in very little time, but I'm going to try and go with a retail job. It'll only be for my sanity's sake.

Until next time...

Too Easily Attached

I'm more of a parasite than a human being.

Adrift

It is certain music that lays a blanket over me to keep me warm and confined; where no monster can get me. It's in my dreams that I experience a life where everything goes so well and to my advantage. Suppose that's why they're called dreams.

Someone has either been dancing with my soul or stepping on my grave for some time now.

I'm in my own little world, and you can't tell unless you have the same blood as me. We are all programmed to act like nobody else understands, but I'm afraid I have no choice but to act like I'm apart of the same world as someone standing next to me. Constant ideas, constant thoughts in my head. Visions when I listen to music, assumptions when I interact with people. None of us have the same experiences in this life. I'm alone, and my soul has already found some sort of happiness but it's not letting me in on the secret. I know I won't feel alone anymore when I figure out what it is my own self is hiding from me.

What To Do??

Noe will be SO pissed if I tell him I'm not so sure about being an English teacher. I think I'll enjoy it, and it's an art in a way. I'd just love to be an artist. What a great job. With this thought, it leads me to explain my personal priorities that come up every day, every minute, every second. I guess these are why I can't stand to be productive.

Priorities In My Life:

• Drowning myself in things that make me happy
• Exploring my mind & imagination
• Learning so that my mind & imagination can be expanded

I'm afraid that I'm not sticking to what I need.

I wish I could fall asleep and wake up in the place & state of mind I need to be in. Instead I'm just some sobbing wench dealing with Aunt Flo being around for now.

A fear of mine is that I'm going to really go through with something I want to do, and that'll lead me to only God knows where. I'm afraid I'll end up going to art school somewhere in a big city, and I'll try my darndest to become this sophisto artist (hey, look that rhymed!). I'm afraid that I won't mind working shitty jobs until I get my big break. I'm honestly afraid of that. I'm afraid of what could make me happy.

I'm almost 22. I should know what I want to be when I grow up by now.

My Parents Found My Blog

So, now I have a new purpose to write. A new audience. I blushed when my mom told me how she read that last entry. The pissy one. I do feel bad about cussing so much, and it does make me sound like an idiot. Sorry, Mom & Dad.

BUT! It won't keep me from writing in this. It's become a mental outlet, as much as possible. I can't let out ALL of my thoughts, but... the appropriate ones, absolutely.

It's 7:54pm on a Saturday night. I studied for a bit, tried to compile a mix CD for my sister, gave up on that, and now I'm here. I don't think we're going to do anything tonight. May take it easy. Might play some video games. Who knows.

I went to bed with a headache last night, and I woke up with the same one this morning. That wasn't such a great start to my day. I tried to go to sleep to make it go away, but I guess that pissed Noe off. He called me lazy. So I mumbled to myself, the way that pissy girlfriends do, and I got up to wash some clothes despite my pounding head. Although, I do think that forcing myself to do stuff made my headache go away, but I will not let Noe think that he has defeated me.

I still feel uncomfortable here. Everyone's so up and Adam (is that how you say it?), and I'm sitting on my laptop. Rather, my laptop is sitting on me. I feel like I should be doing more. Maybe I'll look for new music.

You Leave a Bad Taste In My Mouth

Everytime that I'm in the library here on campus - I see this short, old Mexican walk by. He looks creepy and scary. It's enough to make me not want to come here anymore. He doesn't carry any books, no bag, nothing. He just walks around in his cowboy boots, a tucked in, plaid long-sleeve, and dark jeans. He's always just walking around. I never see him sitting down anywhere or looking at any books. Ugh... It's a sickening feeling. I'm not trying to be full of myself here, but I'm afraid I'd be in the wrong if I said he thinks I look like a red-headed ogre & he wants NOTHING to do with me.

I'm a little cloudy on what we're supposed to have done for tomorrow's class. My teacher was going to give us a quiz on something we hadn't learned yet until I e-mailed him after class. Then he mentioned something about changing the homework? I have no idea what he's talking about. I might as well just pretend the e-mail is not there.

My days have become routine. I'm talking the exact definition. I have peeing down to a specific time in the day. I'm sure the librarians think I have no life other than to come here, study for hours, use their bathroom, and hog the huge tables all to myself. The point is, when I thought of this today - it kind of depressed me. My days are the antithesis of spontaneity. How boring and depressing.

My mind's comfort has been easily, EASILY interrupted these past couple of days. I feel very upset and pissed off. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with distaste that it makes me want to vomit and then fall asleep in my own expulsions. It's a little frightening I've gotten to that point where that small scenario sounds... kind of nice. Maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe my logic, senses, and my intuition are telling me that something is wrong. I believe in those "gut feelings", you know. I've always kind of ignored my gut instincts, but I have a feeling that these little guys in my stomach aren't taking "No" for an answer this time.

Bah. To Hell with it.

PS: OH YEAH, I MADE A 100 ON MY MATH TEST.

Liable to Become Blind

I'm staring at my laptop screen in the dark. It'll be my own fault if I become blind in the future.

My dad informed me that after working for the railroad for 15 years, he saved up some retirement money. And by retirement money, I mean over $200,000?!!? Maybe I should go to work on the railroad. My dad said that it'll take care of my dad and mom until my dad passes away. When I calculated it, it should run out in about 10 years. So... they're planning on my dad dying within 10 years. I informed my dad of this, and he said, "Oh, Hannah! I don't plan on living ten more years anyway." How sad. I didn't want to think of this. In ten years, I'll be 31 going on 32. I can't imagine losing my dad within that timespan. I'm still all fucked up! I still need his advice and his talks. I'm afraid that once I get things right with myself, that's when he'll pass away. I don't want to stop sabotaging my life.

Sheesh... sometimes I think I have it sooooo bad, but when I think about it - at least I still got my folks. I don't know how I'll feel when they pass away. Just... ugh. I don't even want to think about it. Knowing that they wouldn't be there anymore. No longer someone to call up & talk to when you feel lonely. No longer someone that loves you absolutely unconditionally. No longer a crazy mom to call you and talk to you about things you could care less about. Hmm...

NO LONGER THINKING ABOUT THAT.

I'm sleepy. Goodnight.

This Bed Will Be Hot

I'm sitting on "my" bed with my laptop on it charging. That means that once I decide to get off the computer and go to sleep, there will be a little area full of Hell. Such small, significant things about life.

Alright, alright. For some reason, I've been really interested in this girl's art and what she has to say. Mainly, I'm also interested in just the way she presents herself. She seems confident (okay, maybe a little too full of herself). I'm sure Noe thinks I have some kind of girl crush going on here, but that's not it. It's not too often that I become strangely intrigued by someone. In fact, I'm sure that if I knew this girl in real life, I wouldn't like her. Ahhh, the beauty of the internet: Never really knowing who someone is until you hang around them and you find yourself stabbing out your own eyeballs.

Okay, to the point - her name is Zoetica Ebb, I suppose. You may not find her interesting at all, but uhh... who cares what you think. I jest, I jest.

But seriously. Who comes up with those kinds of silly names? I'd feel SILLY! "Hello, I'm an artist, and my name is (thinking...uhh.. ) Froshetika Schmee Schmoo." Hey, maybe I'll use that.

Well, weening myself off of talking about a person I don't even know - Nothing much happened today. I went to my third session of class, I walked my third strut to the library, took my third shit, and did some homework. But sheesh, it was a lot of homework. I've never felt so mentally pooped out. Haha, hey! Maybe that's why I dropped out of college in the first place. *mumbles

But all is well tonight. I had a beer and began watching a movie I rented from the library. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is the title. A little boring at the point I left off from, but I'll be watching another part tomorrow night.

My back muscles are sore, and my eyes are heavy and closing involuntarily on me. That's my cue to go to sleep, wake up, and do it all again tomorrow. Since when did life become such a chore for me?

(Oooh, ended on a depressing note.)

Perversion

Alright, alright. Over the years, I've come to accept the fact that deep down - I'm a gross person. I talk about running to the bathroom only to "rid my body of the explosive waste that was churning inside me", and every once in a while (alright, maybe more than ONCE in a while), I imagine people doing things that would make my mother blush and exclaim, "Hush yo' mouth, child!"

I'm mentioning this because at one point in time, I had abso-shoot-ly NO problem talking about all of these sick things online & publicly. I had no problem drawing them, I had no problem writing about them, and I had no problem talking with friends about them. But now, I'm refraining from letting these thoughts slip out into the real world because I guess I'm more aware of consequences. I'm afraid that one day, a teacher of mine will come across something I wrote or drew (don't ask how), or I'm afraid that a future employer will stumble upon a drawing I thought was funny at one point and be quick to can my ass.

The internet has become a dangerous tool. It started out as a nice, innocent way to search for information (okay, okay - you had your usual porn sites that would pop up), but now you have shitheads (like myself) sharing their entire LIVES, their shit stories, their boyfriend/girlfriend drama, their thoughts of suicide, their pictures from a weekend that they got so drunk they stripped and then continued to shit all over the place. What I'm trying to say is, I guess I'm being cautious in a way now, but damn. It's enough to make me want to delete my Facebook, my MySpace, ALL of my old blogs, my Photobucket, etc etc.

But will I delete it all? No, probably not. Not now. Maybe when the time comes to get an actual career - when the time comes that I'll be this influential, English teacher - maybe that's when I'll delete it all. I'd hate to have awkward moments in class when little innocent Billy or Suzy says, "Hey, Miss Jones! We found all sorts of things you wrote and posted online!" I mean, sure. I have my MySpace private, and SUPPOSEDLY on Facebook, you can't see anybody's profiles unless you're on the same network. But all of that's bullshit. NOTHING ON THE INTERNET IS PRIVATE.

Whew.

The WHOLE point I'm trying to make with this... is that I am what I am, and that's all that I am.

And maybe sometimes it's best to keep it to myself and away from the world.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

I can't see in the dark, and I think that's what the book is called.

I picked it up from the library today after seeing that my teacher recommended it on his syllabus. I've never read a self-help book before, and it feels strange. It feels pathetic.

Noe and I went to see Master of the Flying Guillotine tonight on the big screen. It was funny. Could've been the one beer I had. Apparantly, my boyfriend is a kung-fu movie master, and the things I thought were really funny... well, according to him - they weren't funny at all.

I'd love, LOVE, LOVE to buy one of those fancy, schmancy digital cameras that take flattering pictures. It seems like with those professional, expensive cameras - NOBODY can possibly look ugly in a photo. It's something about the lighting and the color. My whole dilemma, ever since I was a little girl, was trying to get that perfect picture that accurately (I mean, REALLY accurately) portrays how beautiful something is at that split moment. It all started with a sunset and a bowl of fruit resting on the dining room table. The sun was coming in through the blinds, gently falling upon the bananas, gazing upon the shiny, green apples. It glistened off of the glass bowl. My mom's tablecloth matched just right, too. I knew those floral prints had to come in handy one of those days. When witnessing such a nice sight, what else would a little 12 year old do? You're goddamned right if you say I went and grabbed my disposable camera AND my parents' digital camera. I took a picture with the disposable, then I took one with the digital. The digital was a disappointment. It seemed too fuzzy, too fake. The colors weren't as bright, the light wasn't as sharp. Walking with my mom in the Wal Mart parking lot, I was hoping the disposable one would come out fine, but just as we got in the car - I found it. Nothing too traumatizing. But...

That's when my heart yearned for SOMETHING MOARRRRRRRRR.