New Kind of Angst

I'm thinking about getting my septum pierced tomorrow. I believe that living with my parents has brought me to an all new level of teenage angst... A kind of teen angst that only occurs in my 22-year-old self. It's not even "teen" anymore.

Speaking of angst, though... I'm becoming more and more pissy living with my parents. My dad and I don't speak that much to begin with, but my mother is getting on my last nerve. I'm SET on getting a car and my own apartment now. I'm tired of being angry all the time. I'm sick of it, and I honestly believe it's because I'm around my parents too much. I've already been out on my own, and having a mother around who's constantly trying to do things for me is slowly killing my mental well-being.

I can't think anymore. I have about an hour before I have to be at work. I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll look at more steampunk attire.

Take it easy, wheezy.

Hannah

I Can Unnecessarily Rant

It is when you're sitting their and letting your mind cook. Everything is bubbling and boiling from the bottom up, and you become softer. Parts of your soul evaporate from you and sting the gods in their eyes. You have to keep yourself from sticking to the bottom and burning.

But why do I feel that I burn more often that most? I'd like to unscrew the cap of my being off and dust it off. My life is not bad by any means. I am able to take care of myself somewhat, and I am able to keep a job at a place where many people enjoy my company. I have a boyfriend who supposedly loves me very much, and I return the feeling. He's everything I've ever wanted in a guy, and he's willing to move down here to be with me. So why do I feel unhappy? Why do I still feel alone and on my own? Why do I still feel angry? I thought all of this came along only with my monthly period, but I shouldn't be experiencing any hormonal changes right now.

No matter how much of a good person I want to be, I feel there's something that keeps gnawing on my insides. Something bad. No matter where I run off to, it keeps following me the thousands of miles I go. No matter who I surround myself with. I thought that maybe if I surround myself with good people - happy people - then it'd fade into the dark where it belongs.

There is an anger that's trying to punch through my chest. It's ripping at my insides; tearing at my throat; squeezing my lungs. It's doing anything to get out. Maybe this is why people go crazy and commit murder or something just as horrid. I won't do that though.

I'M PISSED OFF. I left Georgia thinking that I could start over in Arizona.
I thought I could simply
just
start
over.

There have been many rude awakenings in my life, but probably no more than any other person. I like to think that I've experienced enough by now to truly realize that I shouldn't get my hopes up, and I should be realistic about things. If your parents don't pay rent, you'll be evicted. If you move across the country to live with a guy who you've talked to for a few years, don't be surprised if he ends up being a little different than you imagined. If you do not come from a rich family and you don't have a college degree, expect buying a car and living in your own apartment to be difficult.

I'm tired of this.

You Can Do No Wrong

In my eyes...

I don't think I have the best mindset to go about moving around everywhere making friends, creating connections, and then leaving. I miss being in Arizona simply because I did have some friends at Johnny Rockets in Tempe, and Phoenix was a happenin' kind of place. Always something awesome to do. Maybe I'll end up back there in the future. But I just know that once I leave Pace/Pensacola, I'm going to miss it for the same reasons. I've become really close to April, and I enjoy my job despite how stressed out it makes me sometimes.

Maybe I feel this way because I'm alone right now, and it's giving me time to think about unnecessary shit. If I had Josh around, then I think he'd be a great distraction.

I slept all day after I got home from work. I was exhausted, but I did sleep too much. I have a headache now. My sinuses are stopped up again, and I've had a tremendous pain in my lower, left rib whenever I breathe in heavily. It kills me to yawn. I really need to take better care of myself. Empty promises over and over and over.

I hope Josh calls me or gets online soon. Bleh...

There's a Ghost In Me

With my dad slowly leaving this life, I asked him if he wants to live to see me get married. Naturally, he said that he does want to. The first thing he wanted to stay alive long enough to see was me graduating high school. Now it's my getting married. That's his incentive. He said he needs incentive to live when one gets to be that torn up. After I get married, he said he wants to see my first child. Then he'll be good to go. I've had people tell me that there's no way I can prepare myself for losing a parent. I trust that advice, but seeing how my dad is suffering now - I'll be happy for him. The other day he said that he doesn't want to be recessitated if he gets really sick or on the verge of death. He said he'd rather go on as soon as possible to meet up with his own parents. He wants to die at home and not in a hospital. I'll try my best to carry all of this out.

I remember when I was in daycare around 3rd grade, someone had to explain the difference between a comment and a compliment to me. It's fascinating when I remember the exact moments I learned something that's so simple now. Squid moment #4?

Josh is the one who has stolen everything from me... but I've never felt so happy about being robbed of my focus, attention, and heart. I'm afraid about some things though. I'm afraid that it's too soon to love someone so shortly after leaving a 2 year relationship across the country. But if I feel it, and if that feeling is true then... fuck it! Why should I question what I feel and what I know to be true for myself? I suppose I worry too much about how things look to an outsider. He's planning on moving down here, and I'm excited. I'm nervous. I can't wait to spend as much time with him as I can. I can't wait to get into arguments and be temporarily pissed off with him. I can't wait to make up.

Sometimes I feel like my body and my mind are barriers for what something inside of me is trying to spew out. Maybe it's why I always feel so anxious and so nervous when there's absolutely nothing to feel that way about. Who am I kidding? I am always nervous about the next second, the next hour, the next day, week, month, year. I'm worried about how my life will turn out. I worry about the last time I'll see or speak with my dad. I'm scared that I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a waitress because I'm already in the business. I'll always feel like I never have enough money to move away and go to school. I'm afraid I won't have enough confidence in myself to make furniture. By this point, it's just another fantasy. I've changed my career choices about 40 times in the past almost 4 years since I graduated high school. It's all so exhausting. And I know it's fucking unhealthy to worry, worry, worry, but I'm never going to take medication to ease my mind. I have to learn other methods of how to deal with it, I guess.

I need to keep myself from... just thinking sometimes. Not tired though. Never tired. Just lonely. This won't make sense.

Alcohol.

I love it too much.
I also love Joshua Rountree too much.
I have an addictive personality.
Please never give me drugs.

[?????????] HUH

I am beyond amazed.

I was sitting outside in the garage when my parents came out to smoke. I started to get up, while holding my laptop and phone, to let my dad sit in the chair I was in. My mother was already sitting in her chair puffing away. While I was in the middle of un-reclining (?) the chair, my dad fell as he was taking a step down from the doorway into the garage. He broke his fall on the little trashcan that sits by the door and knocked a few tools over. He was obviously crushing it, but it was still staying sturdy.

I started to rush to help him up when my mom got out of her chair (still taking drags off of her cigarette). I figured she was going to help him up. Instead, she snapped out, "You're gonna break the trashcan!" My dad and I were astounded. There he was, obviously unable to get up himself, and she was complaining about him breaking the trashcan. I yelled at her to help him up, and she still just stood there puffing away on her cigarette. Then my dad had it, and he slammed his cane on the ground and yelled at her to put down her damned cigarette and help him up. I couldn't help but stare at them, mainly my mother, in disbelief.

This has added onto my frustration with my mother. She doesn't seem to understand that my father has grown old. Even though she may be able to function on her own, and she may be able to walk without feeling any pain - she doesn't get that my dad is not that way anymore. Whatever it is that's wrong with him, she shouldn't hold it against him. I feel that she does exactly this. I mean, I do get a little annoyed when my dad is asking me to get him one thing after another so that he doesn't have to make any special trips to the kitchen or something, but I keep it to myself and I try not to come off as being annoyed. I know that he can't help it, and I don't want him to feel bad about something that is somewhat out of his control. Now, I have a good feeling that it's not completely out of his control. He gets way too much sleep, he has a poor diet, and he smokes like a chimney. He ideally could change those things, but my old man is set in his ways. I've come to accept that.

Now. My mother on the other hand, she has NO PROBLEM making it clear to him that she's annoyed with him asking so many things of her. I could list all the things that she does, but I'd rather not. This upsets me though. My mom doesn't seem to find joy in anything except television, the birds that she feeds outside, sleeping, and spending money. Of course, she finds joy in other things but those seem to be the ones that stand out... Because that's what she drowns herself in all the time. I didn't even include smoking on the list because it's probably not a joy to her - just an automatic thing to do now.

Anyway, I just feel sad about it all. Today was a beautiful day, and I wanted my mom and I to go do something that included being outdoors, and she denied. She continued watching her show and then layed down to take a nap by the time I left to go do things by myself.

That's the way it goes, I suppose.

Some People Wake Up Feeling Happy After a Nap

I've been going through some radical changes of the mind lately. Now... if I'll act upon these changes or not, I don't know, but it's been fun writing and reading about it all. I'm not so sure if my life has been meant to flow up to this point. Why try making it start to flow the "normal" way now?

I want to live in all sorts of places. I want to visit quite a few places as well. I've been tickling the thought of putting off school for a while until I figure out what it is I want to really do. Yes, I understand college is important if I want to live comfortably, but you have to understand that some of us people out there have an itch that we NEED to scratch. My soul is leaning towards fulfilling other things besides what's socially normal and acceptable. If I end up homeless and starving, then all of you can poke at my cold body with a cane made up of comfort and say, "I told you so."

My nights & days consist of personal red-light districts (minus the immorality, to an extent), cephalopods, the elderly, alcohol, and work. I cross the perforated lines. I bite my cuticles. I twirl a piece of hair in my fingers while deciding if a customer wants hashbrowns or grits with their 2 egg breakfast. I usually forget to ask.

Certain things & people are haunting my dreams, and I'm waking up frustrated as hell. I suppose I'm still not over Noe, and I'm still not over Arizona. I've also added the likings of a certain human to my mind, but things working out with that are near impossible if not completely.

If I could, I'd swim in the ocean again right now. I'd never swam in the ocean at night, and the only way I could was if I was drinking. Annnnnd that's exactly the state of mind and body I was in when I did. I remember the water feeling cold, everything around me was black, and when I'd float on my back it seemed as if I could see all across the universe - looking at stars that probably don't even exist now and have long ago died while also looking at the blank spots in the sky where new stars could be without any of us knowing.

There are all sorts of things that occur out of our vision's reach. I feel it's my duty to go with what I feel is right for my own well-being of the moment. My future is not within my vision's reach. Nobody's future is within his or her sight, but we still live every day as if we know the future is and will be there.

Ease your feet off in the sea.