There's a Ghost In Me

With my dad slowly leaving this life, I asked him if he wants to live to see me get married. Naturally, he said that he does want to. The first thing he wanted to stay alive long enough to see was me graduating high school. Now it's my getting married. That's his incentive. He said he needs incentive to live when one gets to be that torn up. After I get married, he said he wants to see my first child. Then he'll be good to go. I've had people tell me that there's no way I can prepare myself for losing a parent. I trust that advice, but seeing how my dad is suffering now - I'll be happy for him. The other day he said that he doesn't want to be recessitated if he gets really sick or on the verge of death. He said he'd rather go on as soon as possible to meet up with his own parents. He wants to die at home and not in a hospital. I'll try my best to carry all of this out.

I remember when I was in daycare around 3rd grade, someone had to explain the difference between a comment and a compliment to me. It's fascinating when I remember the exact moments I learned something that's so simple now. Squid moment #4?

Josh is the one who has stolen everything from me... but I've never felt so happy about being robbed of my focus, attention, and heart. I'm afraid about some things though. I'm afraid that it's too soon to love someone so shortly after leaving a 2 year relationship across the country. But if I feel it, and if that feeling is true then... fuck it! Why should I question what I feel and what I know to be true for myself? I suppose I worry too much about how things look to an outsider. He's planning on moving down here, and I'm excited. I'm nervous. I can't wait to spend as much time with him as I can. I can't wait to get into arguments and be temporarily pissed off with him. I can't wait to make up.

Sometimes I feel like my body and my mind are barriers for what something inside of me is trying to spew out. Maybe it's why I always feel so anxious and so nervous when there's absolutely nothing to feel that way about. Who am I kidding? I am always nervous about the next second, the next hour, the next day, week, month, year. I'm worried about how my life will turn out. I worry about the last time I'll see or speak with my dad. I'm scared that I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a waitress because I'm already in the business. I'll always feel like I never have enough money to move away and go to school. I'm afraid I won't have enough confidence in myself to make furniture. By this point, it's just another fantasy. I've changed my career choices about 40 times in the past almost 4 years since I graduated high school. It's all so exhausting. And I know it's fucking unhealthy to worry, worry, worry, but I'm never going to take medication to ease my mind. I have to learn other methods of how to deal with it, I guess.

I need to keep myself from... just thinking sometimes. Not tired though. Never tired. Just lonely. This won't make sense.