2:13am and I'm still up thinking about people that I shouldn't be thinking about. I'm thinking about Noe. I miss him. Even after everything that happened. It killed me when he told me that things would be different if I came back out there. I have a feeling they would be different, but there's still a chance they'd go back to being the same. I'd go back to feeling depressed and missing my family and friends. I'm almost sure of it.
After already going through another boyfriend and being depressed about that, and after...what... five months of being away from Arizona, I STILL THINK ABOUT NOE. I catch myself replaying good times we had, fights we got into, movies we watched together and how we laughed when we'd make jokes about them, restaurants we went to and what we both got to eat. I think about how we went to the arcade, how he'd put up with me going shopping while he was around, how I'd put up with him taking FOREEEEVVVEEERRRR in a comic book store, how we'd go to a late movie if we didn't have to wake up early the next morning and when we'd come out of the building the parking lot would be empty and cold.
I spent two years with Noe. TWO YEARS. That's a long time. And on top of that, I saw him every day. I can probably count the times we didn't see each other on one hand. The only time we spent away from each other was when he got in trouble and couldn't live with me. And in the end, it's not that I didn't love him anymore. It's not that I was all of a sudden sick of being around him all the time. It's because I missed my family and friends. I missed being in the south. I was tired of always seeing Mexicans and Native Americans. I was sad, and when he'd be an asshole to me - it just made it more difficult for me to brush it off.
I don't want Noe to disappear forever. I'm so afraid that no matter what I do, where I go, who I end up with, how old I am - I'm afraid he'll never leave my mind and heart. I'm afraid there will be more nights like this one where I'm up late thinking about him and the ways I can still stay in touch with him without actually talking. I want to talk to him, but I know he doesn't want to and can't talk to me, and I understand why he feels that way.
He told me that when he kissed my forehead at the airport, he wasn't kissing me goodbye necessarily but my "Frankenstein Forehead" goodbye. I can still remember the way I felt when I was hugging him for the last time. I knew it'd be the last time in this life. All of the memories of us flooded my head, and I wanted to stay. Remembering all of the hours we spent talking on the phone and sending each other e-mails before I moved out there; remembering the pure shit that we went through and got through together; all of the places we went; all of the lazy days we had; all of the sex; all of the violence; all of the drinking; all of the pictures and video games; all of the music and movies we shared; all of the inside jokes and codenames and words we had for things and people; all of the times I got upset over something stupid; all of the food we cooked together; all of the bitching we did over who did the dishes and cleaned the most; all of the mornings I woke up when it'd still be dark and I'd quickly get ready for work so I could lay in bed with him for a little bit longer; all of the nights we woke up to the train blaring its horn and rattling by. I was so ungrateful for it all. I didn't really appreciate it in the moment. It's horrible to think back to a relationship that you thought you were mostly unhappy in and realize that the reason why it WAS so hard to leave is because it really wasn't as bad as you thought.
Hole in the rock & the morning after. The park. Chandler Cinemas. Gameworks. ASU. The library. Whataburger. Rally's. Waffle House after that time I said I really wanted to leave, but I decided to stay. Mill Avenue. Zia. Phoenix Zoo as an early Valentine's present. Phoenix Suns basketball game.
A significant amount of my heart has been taken up.
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