Squid vs Famulus

According to trusty Dictionary.com, the origin of the word family goes like this:

Origin:
1350–1400; ME familie familia a household, the slaves of a household, equiv. to famul(us) servant, slave + -ia -y³

"Famulus" is Latin for servant. And we all know what a servant is. They tend to people's needs. They take care of said people. It makes more sense why family is derived from that. As a family way back in the day, I'm sure that the children stayed closer to home when it came time to get married and have their own little families. This way, they could all take care of each other and as the parents got older, the children would tend to their parents as they were tended to. Then as the centuries go by, it's become kind of frowned upon to stay right down the street from your parents. It's become weird to be married off at such a young age & have babies ASAP. It's the norm to shove your mom or dad into a nursing home and pay strangers to take care of them.

Nowadays everyone is set on being their own individual. We want to live our own lives and do our own thing with little to no interference from others. Why would we want to have merely a taste of what it's like to be freed into the world only to come back home and take care of our deteriorating parents for God knows how long? We're taught in school, by friends, by peers, by the media, and most ironically our parents & family to only worry about ourselves, grab life by the balls with an iron claw, and make the most of it. I don't remember leaving home and hearing my parents holler, "Have fun! You'll be back when you finally have your shit straight!"

I really have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't know what I'm going to do when my dad dies and my mom loses it. I'm going to want to put her in some kind of assisted living simply because I'm only 22, and I won't have the ability nor patience to live with her and take care of her. I don't see myself gaining these lost abilities within the next 5 years either.

I feel guilty as a daughter. I've never felt that strong of a connection that a tight-knit family experiences. We don't help each other out without some sort of payback or guilt trip. I haven't really done anything for my parents. At the moment, I live under their roof for free while I try to get on my own two feet. They never made me do chores as a kid, and if I wanted my room to be messy and stinky - then they'd let it be messy and stinky. Same went for my hygiene.

If I feel so bad about it, I suppose I could do something. I could try and stay home more often. I could try to spend more time with my parents no matter how much they upset me half the time. I could try to help my mom more with my dad. I could. I could dish out a nice wad of money and help them get the side of the car fixed. Yep. I could... I could.

Let's face reality: I have the guilt, the intentions, and the idea. But will I do anything about it?

Probably not.

Squid vs the Pointlessness

Up, down, up, down, up, up, down, down, down, up. That's the way emotions work here.

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I've been sitting in front of the screen for an hour trying to think of what to write, and in the midst of all the pondering - it became: Up, down, up, down, up, up, down, down, down, up, down... down.... down............ down.

Sorry, folks. I gotta turn this one over to the ol' handwritten journal.

Squid vs Sleep

I just read some old blog entries from around the time we got evicted & I decided to move to Arizona. So surreal to read about my predictions of how AZ would turn out. At one point, I wrote something like, "No matter what will happen, I feel like I'm meant to move across the country."

Lots of sadness in me that I'm afraid to spill out onto Seth. I think it'll definitely run him off. I talked to Danny about it tonight, and he said not to worry because there's nothing wrong (see previous entry).

I can't think.

Seth is perfect, and I can't believe I've ran across him.

Sometimes I'll be awake but so tired that it's like I start dreaming with my eyes wide open.

It's happening right now. Goodnight.

Squid vs Itself in 8 Minutes

It's happening again! I can't stand feeling this way. Let me explain real quick.

I feel a sort of self-defeating premonition coming over me. My self-esteem for the day has vanished into nothing, and I really just want to lock myself in my room until tomorrow comes. I don't feel good enough for anybody. I know that this feeling will pass, but nonetheless: caution to those who I care about for the next 8 hours. I will wallow in self-pity until my head hits the pillow & I'm out for the count.

The thing is - NOTHING IS WRONG. Absolutely nothing is bad right now. I have every reason to be happy. It's my mind that's making me think I have something to be upset about. (Or it could be my hormones.)

I have a long, mental To Do list. Seth's birthday... taxes... bills... books... movies.

My soul needs some sort of cleanse. Or maybe I could just use a nap.

Squid vs the Ship

I have an everlasting affection towards squids, but an overwhelmingly terrifying fear of ships.

I miss home. The tentacles momentarily replanted themselves into the red soil while I was back for a short couple of days. Every ground I passed over had a story. I had almost every inch of asphalt engraved into my memory. Nights when I'd be drinking, and I knew the literal streets so well that I could easily manuever around any obstacle in the shape or form of a pothole.

I forgot to go back to my old house and see if me and Andrew's box of goodies was still there in the ground. I slightly remember digging it back up as a kid - being impatient to wait until I'd be older to uncover the treasure. I think my Little Mermaid was in there.

Squid Moment #155

St. Patrick's Day was yesterday. I spent it with Seth mostly, and I have to say it was one of the best St. Patrick's Days I've ever had. We went out to lunch with his mom. We stopped by an antique store that had lots of Black Americana art! Agh. My heart couldn't contain itself. I'm going to go back one of these days and buy it all.

Chris French came over. We ate some corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes. Yum. Then we ventured off to McGuire's Irish Pub which was paaacked. We drank lots of beer courtesy of Seth's padre, and then we came back here where they played God of War III, and I got my Blazing Star and music on. I drank lots more, I talked to Seth & Ian for a while when Chris left. Then I don't remember too much after that except puking and crawling in bed. Blech. I'm totally hungover today as result.

Now I'm bumming at Seth's house while everyone is out being responsible and working or in class. Hmph.

I gotta admit it somewhere besides to his face... But I'm TOTALLYYYYYY head over heels for Seth. One of these days, I'm going to just explode with all sorts of adjectives, nouns, verbs, and maybe even adverbs to describe the way he makes me feel. I feel like he's pieced my heart back together, comrades. I want no one else.

I've come to realize that when you really, really genuinely like someone and want him, you try your damndest to push out any negativity you feel towards yourself for the sake of him. Sure, my past relationships have turned out that I'm the one who hurts the other person in the end, but Josh was right. If I keep thinking that I'm an awful person then I will be an awful person. I don't want to think that way with Seth, and I DON'T think that way with Seth because I'm going to do everything in my power to make him happy & not hurt him.

"I won't care for you
Like I'm really supposed to
There are things I'll do
That could really hurt you": I used to sing those words so loudly when I'd be around a guy that I liked but knew I wouldn't like him in the near future. Seth does not pop in my head when I sing those lyrics. Thank God.

Spellbound.

I hope to GOD that I don't screw anything up with this one. He's purrfect. I sound psychotic in my head sometimes, but it's insane how strongly I feel. Things are a little complicated right now, but... whatevs. I hope things will turn out okay.

Pleaaaaase.