Just... Bubbling. Bubbling Up. Billions of Ideas.

Finally! Could this be a happy post?

Well, a few days ago, my laptop crapped out on me. I've gone through all this time and pain of trying to get my hard drive backed up. Bought two faulty external enclosures, but finally got it all to work. I'm too exhausted to explain any details. I gotta save up for a new laptop though.

I got a job at Village Inn. Everyone thinks it's a hotel when I tell them where I work, but it's a little restaurant that specializes in breakfast and pies. I guess I'm getting the hang of it. Today was my 3rd day of training, and at the end of my shift, I took a written test and then did a service test where I had to serve my boss and co-worker. I did well on both, I suppose, because they want me back tomorrow morning at 8 to serve by myself. EEEE! I'm excited. Mo' money.... less problems. At least for me.

Still sitting around when not working though. Too tired to do anything else. I was waking up around 11:00am almost every day before I got this job, and now I'm waking up at 6:00. Don't get me wrong, it's a lot better. I love being awake in the morning, but I also love being awake late at night. :( People say that something's gotta give, but I say no. No, thanks.

I've also been listening to Nine Inch Nails again. I think I'll forever love Trent Reznor...

So Long, Lonesome

Well, I started my period yesterday. This explains my irrational anger, sadness, sleepyness, and overall... irrationality. It could very well explain why I've been having such depressing dreams lately, too.

Last night I dreamt that I was back in Tucson living in the "West Side Barrio Sovaco" again. I was on the bus with Noe, and there was this girl who he had known from high school or something. Out of nowhere, he put his arms around her and she was cuddling with him. I moved to another seat to see if he'd follow me, and he didn't. I got really upset, and I got off the bus prematurely. I remember running through woods and checking behind me to see if he was looking for/following me. After the sun went down, I heard him calling my name and running. I ducked behind trees and crouched in bushes. When I got a look at his face, it was oddly enough my ex-boyfriend from high school, Danny. He turned away for a second, and I bolted into someone's backyard - hopping over their fence. He saw me and was on my trail now. I ran fast enough so that I could reach a Target store. I ran inside and found some old man to give me a ride somewhere. He told me I'd have to talk to his young granddaughter about getting a ride. By the time I got to his granddaughter who was waiting in the car outside, Noe (changed faces again) was jogging through the Target parking lot looking for me. He'd go up to people asking if they had seen me and would dart away cursing after they didn't know who he was talking about.

I think at one point, he started crying and yelling out my name. I felt bad. But I remembered how he had his arms around that girl on the bus and the way he ignored me when I moved seats. So, I got into the girl's car, and I sank down so that he wouldn't see us drive by. We got to a red light, and he wandered over to the cars sitting there. He briefly looked inside the cars at the people, and when he walked up to our car - he didn't see me at first but when he leaned in the rolled down window to ask the girl if she had seen me, he saw me. I got out of the car and started yelling at him. While I was yelling and crying, the faces often switched from Noe to Danny. It ultimately ended with Noe's face, I guess. I can't remember anything else that happened after he tried explaining why he did what he did.

BLAH. It put me in a sad mood for the day again.

I have to go on though. Can't have too much of this sad business. I feel worse than I did when I first got here.

I swear: I'll cheer up, and I'll write a happy, little post soon.

Saturday Moment

I had a dream last night about Noe. In the dream, I guess we were still together. He ended up meeting this redhead with huge knockers (for some reason that's how I imagine his dreamgirl), and he cheated on me with her. I was sad, and I woke up crying. But it dawned that we're no longer together... and that kind of made me feel worse.

I have no doubt that Noe really did love me. Although he did many questionable things that would prove otherwise - I still believe he enjoyed having me around most of the time. But I also have no doubt that his life will, in fact, be easier now that I've left it. Noe had a lot of things to care and worry about without having me around, and I hope that he's tightening grasp around looking for a career, passing his FE exam, and just trying to be a happy person overall now that I'm gone.

And so sets in the regret, the wonder, the fear that maybe Noe was the only guy who would love me... But that's silly to think and to be afraid of. There are TONS of guys out there who I'm sure I'll meet and have a relationship with. My good friend Cat warned me of these feelings. She seems to be the only person who has been giving me advice and pointers throughout this whole thing. My parents think that it's best not to talk about it so I don't get upset, and I guess everyone else feels that they've already said what they need to say about me breaking up with Noe and moving back to the East. "It's tough, but you're a strong person. It'll take time to get over it, but find a job and go to school as soon as you can." Then I'm kind of left in the dark. Cat has talked to me about this more than anyone, and she's made me feel better. She's made it clear that I'm not the only one who's gone through something like this, and the things that I feel are TOTALLY natural. So... Cat, if you're reading this, thanks. I've already told you thanks a million times, and I'll tell you a million times more until my heart is content. :)

I've tried looking for a job already. I can't tell you how many places I went and none of them were hiring. It's so... discouraging. BUT! No fear. I still have yet to go towards Pensacola to look for a job. With that being a larger city, I think I could have some luck there. It would just be a bitch to drive at least 15 minutes to get to my job.

Well, now that I've gotten some of that out of my system, I should go look for a job now. Wish me luck.

Hannah

Finally Some Moment

Today was a good day. I had a chance to file my nails and repaint them. They're nice and long now. I still can't get used to handling every day things with them. I feel like anything I do is going to break them or bend them backwards. What a horrible feeling that is, too.

I bought a couple of goodies from the antique store yesterday. They're the best gifts I've bought myself recently. There's the old Moonshiner and then I got this "Mammy" type lady who watches over me at night and asks me every now and then if I'd like some "cawnbread" and "fried chiggin". It's almost like having a grandma around all the time.

Aren't they cute? Anyway. That's what's been keeping my chin up for the day.



I broke down and rented Twilight after all. I feel like watching something idiotic, and maybe I'll enjoy it! Hahaha... Oh, god. Help me.

I really have low faith in humanity. And if that means I have low faith in myself, then so be it.

Night #4

I'm extremely depressed and bored. There's nothing but old people in this town, and everyone's too busy to talk tonight.

Understandable. It's a Saturday night.

Nothing but myself and music.

I miss Noe so much.

Left Arizona

I finally made the bold move and left Arizona and all of its people.

As a result, I broke up with my boyfriend. It's been somewhat of a sad time. People tell me it's normal to mourn over a relationship, even if the other person was an asshole. Sometimes I feel self-centered enough to think that God is basing all of his jokes around me. For instance, my mother and I were in this ho-dunk grocery store that was playing Celine Dion when we walked in. I was trying to choose which toothpaste to buy when suddenly, the song that would be considered to most as "our song" (me and Noe) came on. It was none other than "I'll Be Your Mirror" by The Velvet Underground & Nico. My heart sank, and I thought in my head, "Why, dammit? Of all the songs that could be playing during the 10 minutes I'm in here, why did this one have to come on?" And I'm pretty damned sure I've never, ever heard that song in a damned grocery store.

But it's all normal, I guess. It's been strange going from living in the city, surrounded mostly by Mexicans, Native Americans, and young hipsters to living in this small town that consists of old, white people. Any young people I see, judging by the way they dress and the friends they have, I'm almost positive they listen to Kid Rock or AC/DC and think it's the best. Bleh.

So, I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is that I'm with my parents now, and I need to obtain a $20 Florida license. Yeah. Twenty dollars. Isn't that ridiculous?

I'm bummed out that I left practically all of my art supplies in Arizona to either be thrown away or forgotten about. Noe's sisters are pretty artistic, and I told his mom they could have anything I left.

Not sure when I'll start looking for a job. I know that being a waitress, I can make a lot of money in very little time, but I'm going to try and go with a retail job. It'll only be for my sanity's sake.

Until next time...

Too Easily Attached

I'm more of a parasite than a human being.

Adrift

It is certain music that lays a blanket over me to keep me warm and confined; where no monster can get me. It's in my dreams that I experience a life where everything goes so well and to my advantage. Suppose that's why they're called dreams.

Someone has either been dancing with my soul or stepping on my grave for some time now.

I'm in my own little world, and you can't tell unless you have the same blood as me. We are all programmed to act like nobody else understands, but I'm afraid I have no choice but to act like I'm apart of the same world as someone standing next to me. Constant ideas, constant thoughts in my head. Visions when I listen to music, assumptions when I interact with people. None of us have the same experiences in this life. I'm alone, and my soul has already found some sort of happiness but it's not letting me in on the secret. I know I won't feel alone anymore when I figure out what it is my own self is hiding from me.