Squid vs the Ultimate Path

It's all a mask.

Robots, androids, clones, sheep, manufactured, assembled, wired, chipped, programmed.

Plans, expectations, organizations, goals, standards, normal, traditional.

There will never be a true and known rebel or deviant. Those who have chosen to exclude the norms and neglect the organization that society sets us all up to live by - they're gone. Outta here. They don't even associate with us. They're off living in the mountains or in the woods or on some secluded island. They don't have Facebooks or Twitter accounts. They don't post videos to YouTube. They don't write books, make money, and put out a movie that following summer. They don't whine in blogs. They don't subscribe to SuicideGirls. They don't create artwork that gets rave reviews from the New York Times & depend on heavy corporate pockets to fill their bank accounts due to major commissions. It's impossible to escape conformity that easily.

It is possible to stray from certain popular paths, but once one path is abandoned, you're already following another one. I believe that we, as adult humans, are incapable of literally straying from the ultimate trail. New theories arise when we decide to abandon all that was known before & begin from scratch, with a blank canvas.

We are born. We are taken care of until we reach a certain age. Some are taken care of their entire lives. We go to school. We engage in mass teachings. There is a system that controls what schools teach all of us. Teachers are forced to shove certain ideas into our heads. Then we work. We work. We work. We work. We work. Some work jobs that do not pay. We have sex. We eat. We defecate. We bathe. We look towards multiple, MULTIPLE sources for entertainment and/or escape. We laugh. We cry. We feel jealous, angry, confused, anxious, worried, relieved, dreadful. We have babies. We have pets. We have shelter. We sleep. We talk. We ignore. We keep quiet. We cheat. We lie. We brag. We hurt. Some kill. We watch. We witness new life & old deaths. We live until the moment we die.

There is an ultimate path for all of us, and there are multiple ways to travel it. Never did I say variety to living is impossible nor did I say it cannot be enjoyable... But I do believe that in this life, we have our restraints. I do believe that is the ultimate reason for my unease. It's a restlessness that unfortunately no advice from my family, friends, boyfriend, or acquaintances can put down to sleep. Maybe it'll never settle until I fall under the inevitable and everlasting slumber at the end of my path.

Squid vs Too Much Sleep

I see now that I'd rather get very little to no sleep as opposed to getting too much sleep. I now remember why I failed all of my spring semester, GCSU classes. My head feels swollen; my neck hurts; my eyes are swollen; my body's stiff. I feel like a steaming pile of shit.

The dreams that flooded my mind when I was asleep were not any less painful and crushing. I saw old friends that I miss but in the dream, they didn't miss me. I revisited Arizona, but in the dream - it was a mistake. I meant to go back to either Georgia or Florida. Noe was happy to see me come back. He was excited, nice, and couldn't wait to show me all the things I had missed out on. I had to babysit Michtlan, and he was a bit older. We had conversations on robots and things you could only talk to a little kid about.

All in all, I'm really upset I slept that long. Very depressed, angry, sore, and shitty.

I miss Seth too. :(

Squid vs Gratitude

I thank IBM for laying my dad off.
I thank my dad being too old to get a job.
I thank my mom deliberately not wanting to get a job.
I thank GCSU for accepting me into their school & keeping me from working to pay the house.
I thank the eviction.
I thank Arizona.
I thank the crazy boyfriend.
I thank my Aunt Mel deciding to live in Pensacola, FL decades ago.
I thank her decision to take my parents in.
I thank the job that gave my dad enough time & money to get their own house.
I thank my ability to save money for an emergency plane ticket from Phoenix or Tucson to Pensacola.
I thank those dreams that gave me the courage to wake up one morning & decide to leave.
I thank my friends that continuously texted me from airport to airport, city to city to tell me I was doing the right thing.
I thank my loneliness getting the best of me & hooking me up with Josh for a month or two.
I thank the break up that caused me to snap at Chris.
I thank Chris for being interested in me enough to introduce me to his friends.
I thank myself for telling Seth I liked him.
I thank Seth for loving me in the way I've been needing for a long, long time now.

Squid vs ________

I spent $279 to get my car's oil changed and the window motor replaced. Shit.
Then I bought a Taxi Driver poster for about $10 last night.

Quitting smoking isn't going as well as I thought it would. Some days I can roll with it, and others - I wanna just smoke myself into the grave. Growing my hair out is going well though.

Seth & I are still doing well. I'm afraid he's growing tired of me. Not so excited to be around me. I'm beginning to become a little annoyed at times by things he does, but I still want to see him constantly. Maybe I should go home tonight or something... I'm beginning to feel shitty.

I'm doing nothing with my life. I want to go back to school in the spring, and I think I will. Getting an apartment will have to be put off. I want to get a bachelor's degree, and I want to get it over with. It's not so much I want to anymore, but I need to. I'd love to do English, but we'll see.

Adios.

Squid vs the Untitled Feeling

Sometimes I believe I become sucked into my own world, and when I'm awakened out of it, this overwhelming fear and discomfort takes over.

I believe it's because I'm forcing a lot of change all at once lately. I'm trying to quit smoking; I went to Destin with Seth last night and experienced a completely different species that I've always known about but never really interacted with, I suppose; I'm thinking about being a referee for the women's roller derby team here in Milton; and I'm trying to decide whether or not to go back to school asap. If I decide to go back to school, it may mean having to put off an apartment for the near future. And that's enough to drive me crazy because I can't imagine living with my parents for much longer.

It saddens me that my parents are missing out on the things I want to do. My dad doesn't feel like getting out of the house most of the time, and my mother feels the responsibility to stay home and take care of him. For example - if I'm going to actually do this thing where I get involved in roller derby, I'd like my parents to come see me do my thing every once in a while. Also - it's going to take so much to try and get them out of the house to go meet Seth's parents. I don't know. This house is their sanctuary, and I've never felt more distant from them in my life.

Time to sleep.

Squid vs Misanthropy

It's one of those damned days again. I thought coffee would help.

But noooo.

Squid vs Achtung!

I'm messy. I'm lazy. I'm all about pleasing myself for the moment, in the moment, and by the moment. I'm unfocused. My mind rattles and swiftly changes from one point to another. After writing the third sentence of this entry, I clicked on the World Market tab where I'm looking for furniture to put in my apartment that I don't even live in yet. After realizing that I should be focusing on the quality and fluidity of this entry, I closed the tab (though there is sooo much stuff I love to look at from World Market). It's difficult to find something stable in my life. I change my mind about friends I want to keep from one day to the next year or next decade. I get bored with people. My predictions about the way someone will act come true, and there's nothing left for me to wonder about them. I suppose that's why I feel so confident and sure about Seth. He's different. He's solid ground in my mind. He's stored away in a cabinet of my feelings and thoughts that I can feel comfortable and relaxed about. There - he will meet Chelsea & other friends. He'll also meet my ultimate interests and mannerisms that make up who I am. Those are The Stable Ones.

I digress. There has to be something more. Are some people really only capable of waiting tables their entire lives? Do some people actually aspire to be a retail manager? Are there people who are okay with not doing anything to make themselves happier? I'm not one of them. I want to change something. I want to use my being to its maximum potential. Yes, I want to burn out at both ends. I want to experience all sorts of shit. I know I need to get a move on. I tell myself that every day, but every day is a new day. A new day to experience the same old thing. I go to sleep feeling that hope that maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and DO something about my frustrations. I set plans and goals. Sometimes I write them down, sometimes I think about them so much that when I wake up, I'm still thinking about those same things, but the motivation has faded away with my dreams. My mind reboots and loses all of the information I was currently working with. Nothing was saved. It just starts over every day. And maybe one day I'll want to do this or the next day I'll want to do that. Nothing sticks. I can't force myself to focus on something just to have a focus. There has to be a strong, strong, STRONG interest.

And... well, not much is that interesting to me, I suppose.