Liable to Become Blind

I'm staring at my laptop screen in the dark. It'll be my own fault if I become blind in the future.

My dad informed me that after working for the railroad for 15 years, he saved up some retirement money. And by retirement money, I mean over $200,000?!!? Maybe I should go to work on the railroad. My dad said that it'll take care of my dad and mom until my dad passes away. When I calculated it, it should run out in about 10 years. So... they're planning on my dad dying within 10 years. I informed my dad of this, and he said, "Oh, Hannah! I don't plan on living ten more years anyway." How sad. I didn't want to think of this. In ten years, I'll be 31 going on 32. I can't imagine losing my dad within that timespan. I'm still all fucked up! I still need his advice and his talks. I'm afraid that once I get things right with myself, that's when he'll pass away. I don't want to stop sabotaging my life.

Sheesh... sometimes I think I have it sooooo bad, but when I think about it - at least I still got my folks. I don't know how I'll feel when they pass away. Just... ugh. I don't even want to think about it. Knowing that they wouldn't be there anymore. No longer someone to call up & talk to when you feel lonely. No longer someone that loves you absolutely unconditionally. No longer a crazy mom to call you and talk to you about things you could care less about. Hmm...

NO LONGER THINKING ABOUT THAT.

I'm sleepy. Goodnight.