Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Squid vs the Mornings

And every morning when I wake out of bed
The first images of the day:
The lavender polish covering my toenails
Watching with half-shut eyes,
Those same toes digging into the cold carpet
Covered by a faint sunlight from outside
The same light that makes it all cold
No warmth to the new day
Just cold
New
And unknown

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Squid vs Survival

No matter the regrets, worries, fears, or disappointments; how many relationships you end or are ended for you. No matter if your eye is focused upon the half-empty and not the full. The career doesn't matter; the bachelor's degree is insignificant; pleasing others is dumb.

No matter what happens.
You will come out alive.

Unless you die, that is.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Squid vs the Pattern

I'm falling into that same pattern I found myself a few years ago when I fell to my worst. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what I've lost or what's taken hold over me.

This isn't good.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Squid vs the Ultimate Path

It's all a mask.

Robots, androids, clones, sheep, manufactured, assembled, wired, chipped, programmed.

Plans, expectations, organizations, goals, standards, normal, traditional.

There will never be a true and known rebel or deviant. Those who have chosen to exclude the norms and neglect the organization that society sets us all up to live by - they're gone. Outta here. They don't even associate with us. They're off living in the mountains or in the woods or on some secluded island. They don't have Facebooks or Twitter accounts. They don't post videos to YouTube. They don't write books, make money, and put out a movie that following summer. They don't whine in blogs. They don't subscribe to SuicideGirls. They don't create artwork that gets rave reviews from the New York Times & depend on heavy corporate pockets to fill their bank accounts due to major commissions. It's impossible to escape conformity that easily.

It is possible to stray from certain popular paths, but once one path is abandoned, you're already following another one. I believe that we, as adult humans, are incapable of literally straying from the ultimate trail. New theories arise when we decide to abandon all that was known before & begin from scratch, with a blank canvas.

We are born. We are taken care of until we reach a certain age. Some are taken care of their entire lives. We go to school. We engage in mass teachings. There is a system that controls what schools teach all of us. Teachers are forced to shove certain ideas into our heads. Then we work. We work. We work. We work. We work. Some work jobs that do not pay. We have sex. We eat. We defecate. We bathe. We look towards multiple, MULTIPLE sources for entertainment and/or escape. We laugh. We cry. We feel jealous, angry, confused, anxious, worried, relieved, dreadful. We have babies. We have pets. We have shelter. We sleep. We talk. We ignore. We keep quiet. We cheat. We lie. We brag. We hurt. Some kill. We watch. We witness new life & old deaths. We live until the moment we die.

There is an ultimate path for all of us, and there are multiple ways to travel it. Never did I say variety to living is impossible nor did I say it cannot be enjoyable... But I do believe that in this life, we have our restraints. I do believe that is the ultimate reason for my unease. It's a restlessness that unfortunately no advice from my family, friends, boyfriend, or acquaintances can put down to sleep. Maybe it'll never settle until I fall under the inevitable and everlasting slumber at the end of my path.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Squid vs Too Much Sleep

I see now that I'd rather get very little to no sleep as opposed to getting too much sleep. I now remember why I failed all of my spring semester, GCSU classes. My head feels swollen; my neck hurts; my eyes are swollen; my body's stiff. I feel like a steaming pile of shit.

The dreams that flooded my mind when I was asleep were not any less painful and crushing. I saw old friends that I miss but in the dream, they didn't miss me. I revisited Arizona, but in the dream - it was a mistake. I meant to go back to either Georgia or Florida. Noe was happy to see me come back. He was excited, nice, and couldn't wait to show me all the things I had missed out on. I had to babysit Michtlan, and he was a bit older. We had conversations on robots and things you could only talk to a little kid about.

All in all, I'm really upset I slept that long. Very depressed, angry, sore, and shitty.

I miss Seth too. :(

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Squid vs Gratitude

I thank IBM for laying my dad off.
I thank my dad being too old to get a job.
I thank my mom deliberately not wanting to get a job.
I thank GCSU for accepting me into their school & keeping me from working to pay the house.
I thank the eviction.
I thank Arizona.
I thank the crazy boyfriend.
I thank my Aunt Mel deciding to live in Pensacola, FL decades ago.
I thank her decision to take my parents in.
I thank the job that gave my dad enough time & money to get their own house.
I thank my ability to save money for an emergency plane ticket from Phoenix or Tucson to Pensacola.
I thank those dreams that gave me the courage to wake up one morning & decide to leave.
I thank my friends that continuously texted me from airport to airport, city to city to tell me I was doing the right thing.
I thank my loneliness getting the best of me & hooking me up with Josh for a month or two.
I thank the break up that caused me to snap at Chris.
I thank Chris for being interested in me enough to introduce me to his friends.
I thank myself for telling Seth I liked him.
I thank Seth for loving me in the way I've been needing for a long, long time now.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Squid vs ________

I spent $279 to get my car's oil changed and the window motor replaced. Shit.
Then I bought a Taxi Driver poster for about $10 last night.

Quitting smoking isn't going as well as I thought it would. Some days I can roll with it, and others - I wanna just smoke myself into the grave. Growing my hair out is going well though.

Seth & I are still doing well. I'm afraid he's growing tired of me. Not so excited to be around me. I'm beginning to become a little annoyed at times by things he does, but I still want to see him constantly. Maybe I should go home tonight or something... I'm beginning to feel shitty.

I'm doing nothing with my life. I want to go back to school in the spring, and I think I will. Getting an apartment will have to be put off. I want to get a bachelor's degree, and I want to get it over with. It's not so much I want to anymore, but I need to. I'd love to do English, but we'll see.

Adios.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Squid vs the Untitled Feeling

Sometimes I believe I become sucked into my own world, and when I'm awakened out of it, this overwhelming fear and discomfort takes over.

I believe it's because I'm forcing a lot of change all at once lately. I'm trying to quit smoking; I went to Destin with Seth last night and experienced a completely different species that I've always known about but never really interacted with, I suppose; I'm thinking about being a referee for the women's roller derby team here in Milton; and I'm trying to decide whether or not to go back to school asap. If I decide to go back to school, it may mean having to put off an apartment for the near future. And that's enough to drive me crazy because I can't imagine living with my parents for much longer.

It saddens me that my parents are missing out on the things I want to do. My dad doesn't feel like getting out of the house most of the time, and my mother feels the responsibility to stay home and take care of him. For example - if I'm going to actually do this thing where I get involved in roller derby, I'd like my parents to come see me do my thing every once in a while. Also - it's going to take so much to try and get them out of the house to go meet Seth's parents. I don't know. This house is their sanctuary, and I've never felt more distant from them in my life.

Time to sleep.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Squid vs Misanthropy

It's one of those damned days again. I thought coffee would help.

But noooo.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Squid vs Achtung!

I'm messy. I'm lazy. I'm all about pleasing myself for the moment, in the moment, and by the moment. I'm unfocused. My mind rattles and swiftly changes from one point to another. After writing the third sentence of this entry, I clicked on the World Market tab where I'm looking for furniture to put in my apartment that I don't even live in yet. After realizing that I should be focusing on the quality and fluidity of this entry, I closed the tab (though there is sooo much stuff I love to look at from World Market). It's difficult to find something stable in my life. I change my mind about friends I want to keep from one day to the next year or next decade. I get bored with people. My predictions about the way someone will act come true, and there's nothing left for me to wonder about them. I suppose that's why I feel so confident and sure about Seth. He's different. He's solid ground in my mind. He's stored away in a cabinet of my feelings and thoughts that I can feel comfortable and relaxed about. There - he will meet Chelsea & other friends. He'll also meet my ultimate interests and mannerisms that make up who I am. Those are The Stable Ones.

I digress. There has to be something more. Are some people really only capable of waiting tables their entire lives? Do some people actually aspire to be a retail manager? Are there people who are okay with not doing anything to make themselves happier? I'm not one of them. I want to change something. I want to use my being to its maximum potential. Yes, I want to burn out at both ends. I want to experience all sorts of shit. I know I need to get a move on. I tell myself that every day, but every day is a new day. A new day to experience the same old thing. I go to sleep feeling that hope that maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and DO something about my frustrations. I set plans and goals. Sometimes I write them down, sometimes I think about them so much that when I wake up, I'm still thinking about those same things, but the motivation has faded away with my dreams. My mind reboots and loses all of the information I was currently working with. Nothing was saved. It just starts over every day. And maybe one day I'll want to do this or the next day I'll want to do that. Nothing sticks. I can't force myself to focus on something just to have a focus. There has to be a strong, strong, STRONG interest.

And... well, not much is that interesting to me, I suppose.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Squid vs Maturity

I think the way my mind works is I decide what it is I should do, and then I decide to do the exact opposite. Kind of like the way I play 2D fighting games against the computer.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Squid vs Missing Her Favorite Person


I wouldn't mind spending every second with this man from now and until my body withers into the ground.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Squid vs Time

My problem and biggest stress is that time is too much apart of my life.

I have to be at work during certain times; I countdown until the next day arrives; I always try to guess what time it is before I actually look at the clock; I think about how long Seth & I have been together and how much longer until it'll be a year or two years or three or ten or 20 or 70. I wonder how long I'll live. I wonder how much more time my dad has. I think about how long I've been working at Village Inn & I look forward until the day it'll be a year so I can really get another job. I think about how a week ago, we just arrived at Bonnaroo and how I wish I could be there again instead of here. I keep staring at the clock, watching the time pass, until I have to start getting ready for work in 10 minutes. I think about how long it'll take me to drive to work. I wonder if Lori will be mad that I'm one or two minutes late. It's a rule to try and greet a table within 30 seconds. Get their drinks within two minutes. Their order in five. Food within 10. Get 'em full and out within 28 minutes ideally. Time to sleep. Time to wake up. Time to eat. Time to keep glancing at the clock.

I want a job that does not rely on specific times except your own. That'd be ideal. I think I'd be a little happier.

Time to try to rid myself of this gigantic stress. Time to take each moment by itself and not worry about the future. No use in thinking about the past nor the future.

TIME TO GO TO WORK!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Squid vs the Mundane

I keep racking my brain on ways to achieve something great in my life. I'd prefer to achieve things now while I'm at my youngest. And it's not about money or riches. I just want to make some kind of impact. (Though it wouldn't hurt if I got paid for it.) I can't be content when I'm given some perspective on how tiny and invisible we all are in the universe. I'm already a microbe in the eye of the galaxy. My life is no longer than a blink of that galaxy's eye. I can never hope to be able to travel further into space than my 50 or 60 years remaining will allow.

I'm afraid that my constant awareness of my own mortality is responsible for the feeling of "so much to do, so little time to do it". Yet why don't I take advantage of every day? Why don't I spend my free time bettering myself and expanding my mind? I'll tell you why. I am lazy. I expect things to fall into my lap without me working towards anything. I look at some people that were practically born with certain talents - who don't have to spend money going to school to learn those skills. Then there are people who know other people and can easily squeeze a foot in the door.

All in all, I suppose I have to come to the realization that there are fortunate people in this world who don't have to work as hard as some. I am not one of those people. Whatever I decide to do, it'll take dedication, motivation, and probably a lot of energy drinks.

Being lazy will only be the death of me, and isn't that what I'm wanting to avoid after all?

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Squid vs the Lovely, Lovely Moments

I shouldn't complain so much. With the good moments come the bad ones and the same way around. I don't know what gave me the notion that every moment in my life should be warm and fuzzy. It's ridiculous. Maybe I feel like someone or something owes me a good time. Selfish and egotistic is what that notion is.

But those lovely, lovely moments are addicting in a way. A person sees just how surprising a lovely moment can pop up throughout the day. You could be driving down a desolate strip of asphalt, and at that very second the sun is spilling perfectly through the trees and over their leaves. It's meeting your eyes at the exact second it's affronting every other breathing and dead thing alike. You could be spending time with someone, and all within 3 seconds - the perfect music comes on, the perfect words come out of his or her mouth, and the perfect feeling warms your body like sheets straight out of the dryer on a crisp, cold morning.

It's all about the moments, and they're happening every chance they get.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

[untitled]

I am

absolutely, unambiguously, unquestionably, unconditionally, on the money, on the nose, on the button, come Hell or high water, certainly, truly, surely, decisively, thoroughly, positively, utterly, really, really, really,
really,
really,
really,

perfectly

in



love.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Squid vs the Unlocking & Lift Away

I'm afraid that the only place that I'll never feel like a nuisance in will always be my home. But Cumming & Atlanta is no longer my home. I have to let it go in order to feel any kind of peace anywhere else, I think. I wish it was as easy as that one episode of Dexter when he drops the Barbie's head into the bay to let go of his brother. But it's not. It's really difficult when you've been ripped away from a place that you had no part of in the decision-making process. I definitely don't want to move back though. I'd feel like I'd be back-tracking in its ultimate form. No learning from visiting & living in new places-- Just retracing the familiar steps and wallowing in comfort of being back in the town where I pretty much started. I'd have my old friends back; I'd be able to go back to the old hangout spots; I'd feel belonged. It sounds nice, no?

It won't happen.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Squid vs Real Time

I always have the redundant epiphanies that run across my mind right before I have to go to work at Village Inn. I think of a job I'd much rather be going to. I don't want to serve sweet tea and pancakes to old ladies all day and night. I don't want to know how you'd like your eggs cooked. I don't give a damn if you want your bacon or hash browns crispy. It's the same crap over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

AND OVER!

If I didn't have to work today, I feel like I'd really work on getting some kind of different career path - whether that's looking up what kind of classes I can register for; working on my photography skills; or just looking on Craigslist at what kind of jobs are a bit in demand right now. I'm going to face the facts. I probably won't end up graduating from a 4 year university. I don't have the money, never will have the money, and I'd probably be very unmotivated. I'd be that older person in class.

I keep telling my mom about this anxiety I've been having. She amazingly always seems to relate it to her first marriage and when she & John went to Baltimore for a little while. It does nothing for me to hear her talk about this. So I end up getting frustrated and just tuning her out until she's done anyway. I gotta find some way to relieve these stresses and anxieties.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Squid vs Waking Up at 3pm

I hate it.
I miss Seth.
I have soul and emotion-crushing dreams when I sleep that long.

I'm done.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Squid vs Dreams

I had some intense dreams last night/this morning. I have to write them down somewhere.

First off, I dreamt that I had a dad who was in the mafia. He and I had to go with a bunch of other mafioso guys to have a meeting with the boss in this huge, old, wooden house. It had screens everywhere, iron bars on the windows, dark brown curtains. We all gathered around this huge wooden table that had beige cushions on stools for us to sit. I was a little kid in the dream, and when we went to take our seats, I ran over and sat next to the boss. I think his name was Sully (my imagination couldn't think of an original Sicilian nickname). When I went to sit down, he held up his hand like, "No, child. You can't sit here." And I realized all the mafiosos were sitting across the table, and maybe nobody could sit next to the boss just to keep him from being stabbed or shot easily. So I went and sat next to my dad.

They were all discussing something about drugs and weapons. I wasn't really paying attention. There were a lot of other people in the huge room we were in upstairs. There were kids, too-- playing with their toys.

My dad started to become pissed off about something, and it got all of the other guys riled up. They were all starting to raise up out of their seats, fists on the table, fingers in the air--pointing at Sully. I looked back and forth between the angry guys in suits and the Italian fat man with dark gray hair sitting across from them. He looked so calm. Just had his hands folded across his ribs. He raised his hands in the air, palms faced down. He told them, "Guise. Guise. Less colm down." Pretty much all of the men shut their mouths except for one who kept blabbering on. Sully looked at him, and quickly pulled his gun out and shot him in the chest. It startled everyone in the room, and nobody opened his mouth. Even the kids were quiet and didn't begin crying or screaming. It's as if they were used to this sort of thing. I was shaking, and I thought that he could turn around and shoot me any minute for no reason at all. I thought maybe he'd be holding a grudge against me for wanting to innocently sit beside him and kill me for it.

The middle part is a blur. I don't know what lead to this point, but all of a sudden Sully started killing everyone of his guys. When he killed my dad, I screamed and sank onto the floor under the table. There was blood dripping off of the table's edges. It was so thick - when the drops hit the puddles on the floor below, it didn't even splash. It barely made any kind of impression. Just a mellowed, outwards ripple.

Once Sully was finished with killing his guys off, he started on the innocent people behind him. People were trying to kill him with their own weapons they had either made or improvised to be used as a weapon. Sully was losing all of his cool, collected self that I had seen before. He was turning into this lunatic. With every weapon that anybody tried on him, he somehow used to backfire on them and he was killing people left and right. Then the little kids started in, and he did the same to them just as he did to the adults with no remorse or sadness. It scared me.

He finished off the last kid by blowing him up with some kind of ray gun. When the guts and blood were done sticking to the furniture and bodies laying all around, Sully looked at the mess he made. He was trying to catch his breath. Walking over to a gas stove, he reached for a couple of grenades he had in his jacket pocket. (???) He twisted the knob to turn the gas on, and as a kid I already knew what would happen if he let that grenade explode with gas fuming out. I was staring at the stove when I heard his footsteps quickening towards the door to run out. I scrambled out from under the table - blood on the bottom of my shoes making it difficult to get traction on the floor. As I was almost to the door, Sully had thrown the grenade behind me and it blew up right when I was through the frame and starting down the stairs. I was jumping over steps and stumbling down just to get out of there as quickly as possible. When I passed by doorways, there were explosions coming out of every one. I knew I wasn't going to make it, but I kept going anyway. Sully wasn't too far ahead of me. He went one way, and I went another when I saw that there was a screen window that didn't have iron bars on it unlike all the other windows. When I ripped the screen open, I realized there was glass. I used all of my adrenaline and strength in my little body to bust the glass out with my foot. I crawled out, cutting my arms and chest up on the jagged edges stuck in the window frame. I fell onto the brown grass. It was a cloudy day. I rose to my feet, and looked up at the tall house. Fire was burning out of all the top floor windows. I was amazed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone walking fast towards a group of houses. It was Sully. I ran over to Sully, and he quickly turned around to see who it was running up to him. After he saw it was me, he sighed and said, "Go away, kid. Ya dad's dead, and I ain't gots any place for youse to go. Scram!" I stopped walking behind him, and he kept stumbling on - looking around to see if anybody was watching. My face swelled up, a knot built up in my throat, and I started crying. In the dream, I knew I had nobody else after my dad was dead. Why else would I be going with him to mafia meetings? Sully heard me crying, and he turned around to face me. He just stood there, shrugged his shoulders and walked over to pick me up.

The rest of the dream is a blur, but we went around killing people and taking their wallets and cars. I grew up to be older in the dream. I think Sully ended up being killed.