Squid vs the Mornings

And every morning when I wake out of bed

The first images of the day:

The lavender polish covering my toenails

Watching with half-shut eyes,

Those same toes digging into the cold carpet

Covered by a faint sunlight from outside
The same light that makes it all cold

No warmth to the new day

Just cold

New

And unknown

Squid vs Survival

No matter the regrets, worries, fears, or disappointments; how many relationships you end or are ended for you. No matter if your eye is focused upon the half-empty and not the full. The career doesn't matter; the bachelor's degree is insignificant; pleasing others is dumb.

No matter what happens.

You will come out alive.

Unless you die, that is.

Squid vs the Pattern

I'm falling into that same pattern I found myself a few years ago when I fell to my worst. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what I've lost or what's taken hold over me.

This isn't good.

Squid vs the Ultimate Path

It's all a mask.

Robots, androids, clones, sheep, manufactured, assembled, wired, chipped, programmed.

Plans, expectations, organizations, goals, standards, normal, traditional.

There will never be a true and known rebel or deviant. Those who have chosen to exclude the norms and neglect the organization that society sets us all up to live by - they're gone. Outta here. They don't even associate with us. They're off living in the mountains or in the woods or on some secluded island. They don't have Facebooks or Twitter accounts. They don't post videos to YouTube. They don't write books, make money, and put out a movie that following summer. They don't whine in blogs. They don't subscribe to SuicideGirls. They don't create artwork that gets rave reviews from the New York Times & depend on heavy corporate pockets to fill their bank accounts due to major commissions. It's impossible to escape conformity that easily.

It is possible to stray from certain popular paths, but once one path is abandoned, you're already following another one. I believe that we, as adult humans, are incapable of literally straying from the ultimate trail. New theories arise when we decide to abandon all that was known before & begin from scratch, with a blank canvas.

We are born. We are taken care of until we reach a certain age. Some are taken care of their entire lives. We go to school. We engage in mass teachings. There is a system that controls what schools teach all of us. Teachers are forced to shove certain ideas into our heads. Then we work. We work. We work. We work. We work. Some work jobs that do not pay. We have sex. We eat. We defecate. We bathe. We look towards multiple, MULTIPLE sources for entertainment and/or escape. We laugh. We cry. We feel jealous, angry, confused, anxious, worried, relieved, dreadful. We have babies. We have pets. We have shelter. We sleep. We talk. We ignore. We keep quiet. We cheat. We lie. We brag. We hurt. Some kill. We watch. We witness new life & old deaths. We live until the moment we die.

There is an ultimate path for all of us, and there are multiple ways to travel it. Never did I say variety to living is impossible nor did I say it cannot be enjoyable... But I do believe that in this life, we have our restraints. I do believe that is the ultimate reason for my unease. It's a restlessness that unfortunately no advice from my family, friends, boyfriend, or acquaintances can put down to sleep. Maybe it'll never settle until I fall under the inevitable and everlasting slumber at the end of my path.

Squid vs Too Much Sleep

I see now that I'd rather get very little to no sleep as opposed to getting too much sleep. I now remember why I failed all of my spring semester, GCSU classes. My head feels swollen; my neck hurts; my eyes are swollen; my body's stiff. I feel like a steaming pile of shit.

The dreams that flooded my mind when I was asleep were not any less painful and crushing. I saw old friends that I miss but in the dream, they didn't miss me. I revisited Arizona, but in the dream - it was a mistake. I meant to go back to either Georgia or Florida. Noe was happy to see me come back. He was excited, nice, and couldn't wait to show me all the things I had missed out on. I had to babysit Michtlan, and he was a bit older. We had conversations on robots and things you could only talk to a little kid about.

All in all, I'm really upset I slept that long. Very depressed, angry, sore, and shitty.

I miss Seth too. :(

Squid vs Gratitude

I thank IBM for laying my dad off.
I thank my dad being too old to get a job.
I thank my mom deliberately not wanting to get a job.
I thank GCSU for accepting me into their school & keeping me from working to pay the house.
I thank the eviction.
I thank Arizona.
I thank the crazy boyfriend.
I thank my Aunt Mel deciding to live in Pensacola, FL decades ago.
I thank her decision to take my parents in.
I thank the job that gave my dad enough time & money to get their own house.
I thank my ability to save money for an emergency plane ticket from Phoenix or Tucson to Pensacola.
I thank those dreams that gave me the courage to wake up one morning & decide to leave.
I thank my friends that continuously texted me from airport to airport, city to city to tell me I was doing the right thing.
I thank my loneliness getting the best of me & hooking me up with Josh for a month or two.
I thank the break up that caused me to snap at Chris.
I thank Chris for being interested in me enough to introduce me to his friends.
I thank myself for telling Seth I liked him.
I thank Seth for loving me in the way I've been needing for a long, long time now.

Squid vs ________

I spent $279 to get my car's oil changed and the window motor replaced. Shit.
Then I bought a Taxi Driver poster for about $10 last night.

Quitting smoking isn't going as well as I thought it would. Some days I can roll with it, and others - I wanna just smoke myself into the grave. Growing my hair out is going well though.

Seth & I are still doing well. I'm afraid he's growing tired of me. Not so excited to be around me. I'm beginning to become a little annoyed at times by things he does, but I still want to see him constantly. Maybe I should go home tonight or something... I'm beginning to feel shitty.

I'm doing nothing with my life. I want to go back to school in the spring, and I think I will. Getting an apartment will have to be put off. I want to get a bachelor's degree, and I want to get it over with. It's not so much I want to anymore, but I need to. I'd love to do English, but we'll see.

Adios.