Squid Moments

Squid vs the Mornings

2011-03-02T23:26:00.003-06:00

And every morning when I wake out of bed

The first images of the day:

The lavender polish covering my toenails

Watching with half-shut eyes,

Those same toes digging into the cold carpet

Covered by a faint sunlight from outside
The same light that makes it all cold

No warmth to the new day

Just cold

New

And unknown

Squid vs Survival

2011-03-01T22:21:00.002-06:00

No matter the regrets, worries, fears, or disappointments; how many relationships you end or are ended for you. No matter if your eye is focused upon the half-empty and not the full. The career doesn't matter; the bachelor's degree is insignificant; pleasing others is dumb.

No matter what happens.

You will come out alive.

Unless you die, that is.

Squid vs the Pattern

2011-02-28T10:46:00.003-06:00

I'm falling into that same pattern I found myself a few years ago when I fell to my worst. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what I've lost or what's taken hold over me.

This isn't good.

Squid vs the Ultimate Path

2010-08-31T12:38:00.003-05:00

It's all a mask.

Robots, androids, clones, sheep, manufactured, assembled, wired, chipped, programmed.

Plans, expectations, organizations, goals, standards, normal, traditional.

There will never be a true and known rebel or deviant. Those who have chosen to exclude the norms and neglect the organization that society sets us all up to live by - they're gone. Outta here. They don't even associate with us. They're off living in the mountains or in the woods or on some secluded island. They don't have Facebooks or Twitter accounts. They don't post videos to YouTube. They don't write books, make money, and put out a movie that following summer. They don't whine in blogs. They don't subscribe to SuicideGirls. They don't create artwork that gets rave reviews from the New York Times & depend on heavy corporate pockets to fill their bank accounts due to major commissions. It's impossible to escape conformity that easily.

It is possible to stray from certain popular paths, but once one path is abandoned, you're already following another one. I believe that we, as adult humans, are incapable of literally straying from the ultimate trail. New theories arise when we decide to abandon all that was known before & begin from scratch, with a blank canvas.

We are born. We are taken care of until we reach a certain age. Some are taken care of their entire lives. We go to school. We engage in mass teachings. There is a system that controls what schools teach all of us. Teachers are forced to shove certain ideas into our heads. Then we work. We work. We work. We work. We work. Some work jobs that do not pay. We have sex. We eat. We defecate. We bathe. We look towards multiple, MULTIPLE sources for entertainment and/or escape. We laugh. We cry. We feel jealous, angry, confused, anxious, worried, relieved, dreadful. We have babies. We have pets. We have shelter. We sleep. We talk. We ignore. We keep quiet. We cheat. We lie. We brag. We hurt. Some kill. We watch. We witness new life & old deaths. We live until the moment we die.

There is an ultimate path for all of us, and there are multiple ways to travel it. Never did I say variety to living is impossible nor did I say it cannot be enjoyable... But I do believe that in this life, we have our restraints. I do believe that is the ultimate reason for my unease. It's a restlessness that unfortunately no advice from my family, friends, boyfriend, or acquaintances can put down to sleep. Maybe it'll never settle until I fall under the inevitable and everlasting slumber at the end of my path.

Squid vs Too Much Sleep

2010-08-25T12:43:00.002-05:00

I see now that I'd rather get very little to no sleep as opposed to getting too much sleep. I now remember why I failed all of my spring semester, GCSU classes. My head feels swollen; my neck hurts; my eyes are swollen; my body's stiff. I feel like a steaming pile of shit.

The dreams that flooded my mind when I was asleep were not any less painful and crushing. I saw old friends that I miss but in the dream, they didn't miss me. I revisited Arizona, but in the dream - it was a mistake. I meant to go back to either Georgia or Florida. Noe was happy to see me come back. He was excited, nice, and couldn't wait to show me all the things I had missed out on. I had to babysit Michtlan, and he was a bit older. We had conversations on robots and things you could only talk to a little kid about.

All in all, I'm really upset I slept that long. Very depressed, angry, sore, and shitty.

I miss Seth too. :(

Squid vs Gratitude

2010-08-07T01:01:00.002-05:00

I thank IBM for laying my dad off.
I thank my dad being too old to get a job.
I thank my mom deliberately not wanting to get a job.
I thank GCSU for accepting me into their school & keeping me from working to pay the house.
I thank the eviction.
I thank Arizona.
I thank the crazy boyfriend.
I thank my Aunt Mel deciding to live in Pensacola, FL decades ago.
I thank her decision to take my parents in.
I thank the job that gave my dad enough time & money to get their own house.
I thank my ability to save money for an emergency plane ticket from Phoenix or Tucson to Pensacola.
I thank those dreams that gave me the courage to wake up one morning & decide to leave.
I thank my friends that continuously texted me from airport to airport, city to city to tell me I was doing the right thing.
I thank my loneliness getting the best of me & hooking me up with Josh for a month or two.
I thank the break up that caused me to snap at Chris.
I thank Chris for being interested in me enough to introduce me to his friends.
I thank myself for telling Seth I liked him.
I thank Seth for loving me in the way I've been needing for a long, long time now.

Squid vs ________

2010-08-03T15:17:00.002-05:00

I spent $279 to get my car's oil changed and the window motor replaced. Shit.
Then I bought a Taxi Driver poster for about $10 last night.

Quitting smoking isn't going as well as I thought it would. Some days I can roll with it, and others - I wanna just smoke myself into the grave. Growing my hair out is going well though.

Seth & I are still doing well. I'm afraid he's growing tired of me. Not so excited to be around me. I'm beginning to become a little annoyed at times by things he does, but I still want to see him constantly. Maybe I should go home tonight or something... I'm beginning to feel shitty.

I'm doing nothing with my life. I want to go back to school in the spring, and I think I will. Getting an apartment will have to be put off. I want to get a bachelor's degree, and I want to get it over with. It's not so much I want to anymore, but I need to. I'd love to do English, but we'll see.

Adios.

Squid vs the Untitled Feeling

2010-07-30T23:52:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I believe I become sucked into my own world, and when I'm awakened out of it, this overwhelming fear and discomfort takes over.

I believe it's because I'm forcing a lot of change all at once lately. I'm trying to quit smoking; I went to Destin with Seth last night and experienced a completely different species that I've always known about but never really interacted with, I suppose; I'm thinking about being a referee for the women's roller derby team here in Milton; and I'm trying to decide whether or not to go back to school asap. If I decide to go back to school, it may mean having to put off an apartment for the near future. And that's enough to drive me crazy because I can't imagine living with my parents for much longer.

It saddens me that my parents are missing out on the things I want to do. My dad doesn't feel like getting out of the house most of the time, and my mother feels the responsibility to stay home and take care of him. For example - if I'm going to actually do this thing where I get involved in roller derby, I'd like my parents to come see me do my thing every once in a while. Also - it's going to take so much to try and get them out of the house to go meet Seth's parents. I don't know. This house is their sanctuary, and I've never felt more distant from them in my life.

Time to sleep.

Squid vs Misanthropy

2010-07-29T11:16:00.002-05:00

It's one of those damned days again. I thought coffee would help.

But noooo.

Squid vs Achtung!

2010-07-16T23:12:00.003-05:00

I'm messy. I'm lazy. I'm all about pleasing myself for the moment, in the moment, and by the moment. I'm unfocused. My mind rattles and swiftly changes from one point to another. After writing the third sentence of this entry, I clicked on the World Market tab where I'm looking for furniture to put in my apartment that I don't even live in yet. After realizing that I should be focusing on the quality and fluidity of this entry, I closed the tab (though there is sooo much stuff I love to look at from World Market). It's difficult to find something stable in my life. I change my mind about friends I want to keep from one day to the next year or next decade. I get bored with people. My predictions about the way someone will act come true, and there's nothing left for me to wonder about them. I suppose that's why I feel so confident and sure about Seth. He's different. He's solid ground in my mind. He's stored away in a cabinet of my feelings and thoughts that I can feel comfortable and relaxed about. There - he will meet Chelsea & other friends. He'll also meet my ultimate interests and mannerisms that make up who I am. Those are The Stable Ones.

I digress. There has to be something more. Are some people really only capable of waiting tables their entire lives? Do some people actually aspire to be a retail manager? Are there people who are okay with not doing anything to make themselves happier? I'm not one of them. I want to change something. I want to use my being to its maximum potential. Yes, I want to burn out at both ends. I want to experience all sorts of shit. I know I need to get a move on. I tell myself that every day, but every day is a new day. A new day to experience the same old thing. I go to sleep feeling that hope that maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and DO something about my frustrations. I set plans and goals. Sometimes I write them down, sometimes I think about them so much that when I wake up, I'm still thinking about those same things, but the motivation has faded away with my dreams. My mind reboots and loses all of the information I was currently working with. Nothing was saved. It just starts over every day. And maybe one day I'll want to do this or the next day I'll want to do that. Nothing sticks. I can't force myself to focus on something just to have a focus. There has to be a strong, strong, STRONG interest.

And... well, not much is that interesting to me, I suppose.

Squid vs Maturity

2010-07-02T18:30:00.003-05:00

I think the way my mind works is I decide what it is I should do, and then I decide to do the exact opposite. Kind of like the way I play 2D fighting games against the computer.

Squid vs Missing Her Favorite Person

2010-06-24T01:50:00.003-05:00

I wouldn't mind spending every second with this man from now and until my body withers into the ground.

Squid vs Time

2010-06-16T18:46:00.002-05:00

My problem and biggest stress is that time is too much apart of my life.

I have to be at work during certain times; I countdown until the next day arrives; I always try to guess what time it is before I actually look at the clock; I think about how long Seth & I have been together and how much longer until it'll be a year or two years or three or ten or 20 or 70. I wonder how long I'll live. I wonder how much more time my dad has. I think about how long I've been working at Village Inn & I look forward until the day it'll be a year so I can really get another job. I think about how a week ago, we just arrived at Bonnaroo and how I wish I could be there again instead of here. I keep staring at the clock, watching the time pass, until I have to start getting ready for work in 10 minutes. I think about how long it'll take me to drive to work. I wonder if Lori will be mad that I'm one or two minutes late. It's a rule to try and greet a table within 30 seconds. Get their drinks within two minutes. Their order in five. Food within 10. Get 'em full and out within 28 minutes ideally. Time to sleep. Time to wake up. Time to eat. Time to keep glancing at the clock.

I want a job that does not rely on specific times except your own. That'd be ideal. I think I'd be a little happier.

Time to try to rid myself of this gigantic stress. Time to take each moment by itself and not worry about the future. No use in thinking about the past nor the future.

TIME TO GO TO WORK!

Squid vs the Mundane

2010-06-02T11:31:00.002-05:00

I keep racking my brain on ways to achieve something great in my life. I'd prefer to achieve things now while I'm at my youngest. And it's not about money or riches. I just want to make some kind of impact. (Though it wouldn't hurt if I got paid for it.) I can't be content when I'm given some perspective on how tiny and invisible we all are in the universe. I'm already a microbe in the eye of the galaxy. My life is no longer than a blink of that galaxy's eye. I can never hope to be able to travel further into space than my 50 or 60 years remaining will allow.

I'm afraid that my constant awareness of my own mortality is responsible for the feeling of "so much to do, so little time to do it". Yet why don't I take advantage of every day? Why don't I spend my free time bettering myself and expanding my mind? I'll tell you why. I am lazy. I expect things to fall into my lap without me working towards anything. I look at some people that were practically born with certain talents - who don't have to spend money going to school to learn those skills. Then there are people who know other people and can easily squeeze a foot in the door.

All in all, I suppose I have to come to the realization that there are fortunate people in this world who don't have to work as hard as some. I am not one of those people. Whatever I decide to do, it'll take dedication, motivation, and probably a lot of energy drinks.

Being lazy will only be the death of me, and isn't that what I'm wanting to avoid after all?

Squid vs the Lovely, Lovely Moments

2010-05-27T20:20:00.002-05:00

I shouldn't complain so much. With the good moments come the bad ones and the same way around. I don't know what gave me the notion that every moment in my life should be warm and fuzzy. It's ridiculous. Maybe I feel like someone or something owes me a good time. Selfish and egotistic is what that notion is.

But those lovely, lovely moments are addicting in a way. A person sees just how surprising a lovely moment can pop up throughout the day. You could be driving down a desolate strip of asphalt, and at that very second the sun is spilling perfectly through the trees and over their leaves. It's meeting your eyes at the exact second it's affronting every other breathing and dead thing alike. You could be spending time with someone, and all within 3 seconds - the perfect music comes on, the perfect words come out of his or her mouth, and the perfect feeling warms your body like sheets straight out of the dryer on a crisp, cold morning.

It's all about the moments, and they're happening every chance they get.

[untitled]

2010-05-19T13:15:00.002-05:00

I am

absolutely, unambiguously, unquestionably, unconditionally, on the money, on the nose, on the button, come Hell or high water, certainly, truly, surely, decisively, thoroughly, positively, utterly, really, really, really,
really,
really,
really,

perfectly

in

love.

Squid vs the Unlocking & Lift Away

2010-05-14T18:50:00.002-05:00

I'm afraid that the only place that I'll never feel like a nuisance in will always be my home. But Cumming & Atlanta is no longer my home. I have to let it go in order to feel any kind of peace anywhere else, I think. I wish it was as easy as that one episode of Dexter when he drops the Barbie's head into the bay to let go of his brother. But it's not. It's really difficult when you've been ripped away from a place that you had no part of in the decision-making process. I definitely don't want to move back though. I'd feel like I'd be back-tracking in its ultimate form. No learning from visiting & living in new places-- Just retracing the familiar steps and wallowing in comfort of being back in the town where I pretty much started. I'd have my old friends back; I'd be able to go back to the old hangout spots; I'd feel belonged. It sounds nice, no?

It won't happen.

Squid vs Real Time

2010-05-12T14:23:00.002-05:00

I always have the redundant epiphanies that run across my mind right before I have to go to work at Village Inn. I think of a job I'd much rather be going to. I don't want to serve sweet tea and pancakes to old ladies all day and night. I don't want to know how you'd like your eggs cooked. I don't give a damn if you want your bacon or hash browns crispy. It's the same crap over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

AND OVER!

If I didn't have to work today, I feel like I'd really work on getting some kind of different career path - whether that's looking up what kind of classes I can register for; working on my photography skills; or just looking on Craigslist at what kind of jobs are a bit in demand right now. I'm going to face the facts. I probably won't end up graduating from a 4 year university. I don't have the money, never will have the money, and I'd probably be very unmotivated. I'd be that older person in class.

I keep telling my mom about this anxiety I've been having. She amazingly always seems to relate it to her first marriage and when she & John went to Baltimore for a little while. It does nothing for me to hear her talk about this. So I end up getting frustrated and just tuning her out until she's done anyway. I gotta find some way to relieve these stresses and anxieties.

Squid vs Waking Up at 3pm

2010-05-11T14:58:00.002-05:00

I hate it.
I miss Seth.
I have soul and emotion-crushing dreams when I sleep that long.

I'm done.

Squid vs Dreams

2010-04-27T11:11:00.003-05:00

I had some intense dreams last night/this morning. I have to write them down somewhere.

First off, I dreamt that I had a dad who was in the mafia. He and I had to go with a bunch of other mafioso guys to have a meeting with the boss in this huge, old, wooden house. It had screens everywhere, iron bars on the windows, dark brown curtains. We all gathered around this huge wooden table that had beige cushions on stools for us to sit. I was a little kid in the dream, and when we went to take our seats, I ran over and sat next to the boss. I think his name was Sully (my imagination couldn't think of an original Sicilian nickname). When I went to sit down, he held up his hand like, "No, child. You can't sit here." And I realized all the mafiosos were sitting across the table, and maybe nobody could sit next to the boss just to keep him from being stabbed or shot easily. So I went and sat next to my dad.

They were all discussing something about drugs and weapons. I wasn't really paying attention. There were a lot of other people in the huge room we were in upstairs. There were kids, too-- playing with their toys.

My dad started to become pissed off about something, and it got all of the other guys riled up. They were all starting to raise up out of their seats, fists on the table, fingers in the air--pointing at Sully. I looked back and forth between the angry guys in suits and the Italian fat man with dark gray hair sitting across from them. He looked so calm. Just had his hands folded across his ribs. He raised his hands in the air, palms faced down. He told them, "Guise. Guise. Less colm down." Pretty much all of the men shut their mouths except for one who kept blabbering on. Sully looked at him, and quickly pulled his gun out and shot him in the chest. It startled everyone in the room, and nobody opened his mouth. Even the kids were quiet and didn't begin crying or screaming. It's as if they were used to this sort of thing. I was shaking, and I thought that he could turn around and shoot me any minute for no reason at all. I thought maybe he'd be holding a grudge against me for wanting to innocently sit beside him and kill me for it.

The middle part is a blur. I don't know what lead to this point, but all of a sudden Sully started killing everyone of his guys. When he killed my dad, I screamed and sank onto the floor under the table. There was blood dripping off of the table's edges. It was so thick - when the drops hit the puddles on the floor below, it didn't even splash. It barely made any kind of impression. Just a mellowed, outwards ripple.

Once Sully was finished with killing his guys off, he started on the innocent people behind him. People were trying to kill him with their own weapons they had either made or improvised to be used as a weapon. Sully was losing all of his cool, collected self that I had seen before. He was turning into this lunatic. With every weapon that anybody tried on him, he somehow used to backfire on them and he was killing people left and right. Then the little kids started in, and he did the same to them just as he did to the adults with no remorse or sadness. It scared me.

He finished off the last kid by blowing him up with some kind of ray gun. When the guts and blood were done sticking to the furniture and bodies laying all around, Sully looked at the mess he made. He was trying to catch his breath. Walking over to a gas stove, he reached for a couple of grenades he had in his jacket pocket. (???) He twisted the knob to turn the gas on, and as a kid I already knew what would happen if he let that grenade explode with gas fuming out. I was staring at the stove when I heard his footsteps quickening towards the door to run out. I scrambled out from under the table - blood on the bottom of my shoes making it difficult to get traction on the floor. As I was almost to the door, Sully had thrown the grenade behind me and it blew up right when I was through the frame and starting down the stairs. I was jumping over steps and stumbling down just to get out of there as quickly as possible. When I passed by doorways, there were explosions coming out of every one. I knew I wasn't going to make it, but I kept going anyway. Sully wasn't too far ahead of me. He went one way, and I went another when I saw that there was a screen window that didn't have iron bars on it unlike all the other windows. When I ripped the screen open, I realized there was glass. I used all of my adrenaline and strength in my little body to bust the glass out with my foot. I crawled out, cutting my arms and chest up on the jagged edges stuck in the window frame. I fell onto the brown grass. It was a cloudy day. I rose to my feet, and looked up at the tall house. Fire was burning out of all the top floor windows. I was amazed. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone walking fast towards a group of houses. It was Sully. I ran over to Sully, and he quickly turned around to see who it was running up to him. After he saw it was me, he sighed and said, "Go away, kid. Ya dad's dead, and I ain't gots any place for youse to go. Scram!" I stopped walking behind him, and he kept stumbling on - looking around to see if anybody was watching. My face swelled up, a knot built up in my throat, and I started crying. In the dream, I knew I had nobody else after my dad was dead. Why else would I be going with him to mafia meetings? Sully heard me crying, and he turned around to face me. He just stood there, shrugged his shoulders and walked over to pick me up.

The rest of the dream is a blur, but we went around killing people and taking their wallets and cars. I grew up to be older in the dream. I think Sully ended up being killed.

The Intermission

2010-04-19T13:17:00.003-05:00

Did living in Arizona have that much of a negative effect on me? Sure, I learned quite a few things, but I believe my sister was right when she said my soul was being torn apart. I am apathetic, and I find it hard to truly care about most of the important duties in my life. There are only a few cares that I'm handling with tedious fingers. But my fingers are clumsy, and I'm starting to worry.

I'm fucking tired of feeling this way. Redundancy is wearing me down to the raw bone.

It's time for change, comrades. And by comrades, I mean myself. I moved to Florida to figure out who I am & to be closer to my family. I suppose I've figured out who I am, alright. I'm lazy, obsessive, indulgent, and clueless.

This concludes part one, and now it's time for part two: Working to better myself now that I've figured out what I'm like when nobody is around to tell me what to do. I don't have Noe's parents waking up at 5:00am every morning expecting everyone else to wake up and cook breakfast. I don't have Noe nagging me to do our laundry and to work in the yard while he goes to day labor. I have nobody to shove a boot up my ass and get me to do something. I hated it at the time, but now maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. This is what I wanted though. I have to accept it. I don't know where to go from here or how.

This intermission of Arizona to Florida is lasting a lot longer than what I expected.

I think I'll delete this later.

Squid vs the Actual Weekends

2010-04-17T08:32:00.001-05:00

I HATE working every Saturday and Sunday.

I'm really considering getting another job.

Squid vs the Humble Abode

2010-04-12T09:22:00.002-05:00

All I want in life is to have my own family, a comfortable amount of money, and a porch for relaxing with my hubby while sipping whiskey & lemonade.

We could fix it up.

Squid vs Famulus

2010-04-03T16:36:00.005-05:00

According to trusty Dictionary.com, the origin of the word family goes like this:

Origin:
1350–1400; ME familie familia a household, the slaves of a household, equiv. to famul(us) servant, slave + -ia -y³

"Famulus" is Latin for servant. And we all know what a servant is. They tend to people's needs. They take care of said people. It makes more sense why family is derived from that. As a family way back in the day, I'm sure that the children stayed closer to home when it came time to get married and have their own little families. This way, they could all take care of each other and as the parents got older, the children would tend to their parents as they were tended to. Then as the centuries go by, it's become kind of frowned upon to stay right down the street from your parents. It's become weird to be married off at such a young age & have babies ASAP. It's the norm to shove your mom or dad into a nursing home and pay strangers to take care of them.

Nowadays everyone is set on being their own individual. We want to live our own lives and do our own thing with little to no interference from others. Why would we want to have merely a taste of what it's like to be freed into the world only to come back home and take care of our deteriorating parents for God knows how long? We're taught in school, by friends, by peers, by the media, and most ironically our parents & family to only worry about ourselves, grab life by the balls with an iron claw, and make the most of it. I don't remember leaving home and hearing my parents holler, "Have fun! You'll be back when you finally have your shit straight!"

I really have no idea what I'm talking about. I don't know what I'm going to do when my dad dies and my mom loses it. I'm going to want to put her in some kind of assisted living simply because I'm only 22, and I won't have the ability nor patience to live with her and take care of her. I don't see myself gaining these lost abilities within the next 5 years either.

I feel guilty as a daughter. I've never felt that strong of a connection that a tight-knit family experiences. We don't help each other out without some sort of payback or guilt trip. I haven't really done anything for my parents. At the moment, I live under their roof for free while I try to get on my own two feet. They never made me do chores as a kid, and if I wanted my room to be messy and stinky - then they'd let it be messy and stinky. Same went for my hygiene.

If I feel so bad about it, I suppose I could do something. I could try and stay home more often. I could try to spend more time with my parents no matter how much they upset me half the time. I could try to help my mom more with my dad. I could. I could dish out a nice wad of money and help them get the side of the car fixed. Yep. I could... I could.

Let's face reality: I have the guilt, the intentions, and the idea. But will I do anything about it?

Probably not.

Squid vs the Pointlessness

2010-03-31T23:07:00.006-05:00

Up, down, up, down, up, up, down, down, down, up. That's the way emotions work here.

----

I've been sitting in front of the screen for an hour trying to think of what to write, and in the midst of all the pondering - it became: Up, down, up, down, up, up, down, down, down, up, down... down.... down............ down.

Sorry, folks. I gotta turn this one over to the ol' handwritten journal.

Squid vs Sleep

2010-03-30T01:39:00.002-05:00

I just read some old blog entries from around the time we got evicted & I decided to move to Arizona. So surreal to read about my predictions of how AZ would turn out. At one point, I wrote something like, "No matter what will happen, I feel like I'm meant to move across the country."

Lots of sadness in me that I'm afraid to spill out onto Seth. I think it'll definitely run him off. I talked to Danny about it tonight, and he said not to worry because there's nothing wrong (see previous entry).

I can't think.

Seth is perfect, and I can't believe I've ran across him.

Sometimes I'll be awake but so tired that it's like I start dreaming with my eyes wide open.

It's happening right now. Goodnight.

Squid vs Itself in 8 Minutes

2010-03-29T16:21:00.002-05:00

It's happening again! I can't stand feeling this way. Let me explain real quick.

I feel a sort of self-defeating premonition coming over me. My self-esteem for the day has vanished into nothing, and I really just want to lock myself in my room until tomorrow comes. I don't feel good enough for anybody. I know that this feeling will pass, but nonetheless: caution to those who I care about for the next 8 hours. I will wallow in self-pity until my head hits the pillow & I'm out for the count.

The thing is - NOTHING IS WRONG. Absolutely nothing is bad right now. I have every reason to be happy. It's my mind that's making me think I have something to be upset about. (Or it could be my hormones.)

I have a long, mental To Do list. Seth's birthday... taxes... bills... books... movies.

My soul needs some sort of cleanse. Or maybe I could just use a nap.

Squid vs the Ship

2010-03-28T18:04:00.002-05:00

I have an everlasting affection towards squids, but an overwhelmingly terrifying fear of ships.

I miss home. The tentacles momentarily replanted themselves into the red soil while I was back for a short couple of days. Every ground I passed over had a story. I had almost every inch of asphalt engraved into my memory. Nights when I'd be drinking, and I knew the literal streets so well that I could easily manuever around any obstacle in the shape or form of a pothole.

I forgot to go back to my old house and see if me and Andrew's box of goodies was still there in the ground. I slightly remember digging it back up as a kid - being impatient to wait until I'd be older to uncover the treasure. I think my Little Mermaid was in there.

Squid Moment #155

2010-03-18T12:41:00.004-05:00

St. Patrick's Day was yesterday. I spent it with Seth mostly, and I have to say it was one of the best St. Patrick's Days I've ever had. We went out to lunch with his mom. We stopped by an antique store that had lots of Black Americana art! Agh. My heart couldn't contain itself. I'm going to go back one of these days and buy it all.

Chris French came over. We ate some corned beef, cabbage, and potatoes. Yum. Then we ventured off to McGuire's Irish Pub which was paaacked. We drank lots of beer courtesy of Seth's padre, and then we came back here where they played God of War III, and I got my Blazing Star and music on. I drank lots more, I talked to Seth & Ian for a while when Chris left. Then I don't remember too much after that except puking and crawling in bed. Blech. I'm totally hungover today as result.

Now I'm bumming at Seth's house while everyone is out being responsible and working or in class. Hmph.

I gotta admit it somewhere besides to his face... But I'm TOTALLYYYYYY head over heels for Seth. One of these days, I'm going to just explode with all sorts of adjectives, nouns, verbs, and maybe even adverbs to describe the way he makes me feel. I feel like he's pieced my heart back together, comrades. I want no one else.

I've come to realize that when you really, really genuinely like someone and want him, you try your damndest to push out any negativity you feel towards yourself for the sake of him. Sure, my past relationships have turned out that I'm the one who hurts the other person in the end, but Josh was right. If I keep thinking that I'm an awful person then I will be an awful person. I don't want to think that way with Seth, and I DON'T think that way with Seth because I'm going to do everything in my power to make him happy & not hurt him.

"I won't care for you
Like I'm really supposed to
There are things I'll do
That could really hurt you": I used to sing those words so loudly when I'd be around a guy that I liked but knew I wouldn't like him in the near future. Seth does not pop in my head when I sing those lyrics. Thank God.

Spellbound.

2010-03-12T00:35:00.002-06:00

I hope to GOD that I don't screw anything up with this one. He's purrfect. I sound psychotic in my head sometimes, but it's insane how strongly I feel. Things are a little complicated right now, but... whatevs. I hope things will turn out okay.

Pleaaaaase.

And Yet You Start to Recoil

2010-03-02T00:17:00.002-06:00

This alwayyyyys happens. Always.

The repetition has gathered up enough to make me nauseous at this point, I do believe. I feel I have commitments to parties that I cannot seem to keep true. This whole making-myself-happy thing isn't working out because without consideration to others, I cannot remain happy. Guilt is building up; constant debate in my head and inner struggle is stressing me out; my wants are taking control of my needs. I think what has happened is I've confused my priorities. The whole concept, I've come to recently realize, with making oneself happy is doing not really what you want, but what you know you need and learning how to deal with that in the most positive mindset as possible. It's hard to kind of put down in words what I'm trying to say. We know that what we want is not always the best thing, and it's not always what will make us truly happy in the end. BUT! The things that we need... Well, it could take some time to warm up to the reality of those priorities, but we know that in the long run, it'll make us happy in the end.

It's about time that I cut it off at the throat. Just sever the whole thing I have going on because I know it'll make things better for me in the end. I know that what I'm doing now is based solely on momentary coveting, and though it may please me for so long - it'll ultimately destroy me and most likely others in its path.

First Time For Everything

2010-02-26T01:56:00.002-06:00

... And for the first time, I'm realizing why it might be best to hesitate and necessitate. Necessitate what means most and will matter most in the end.

It's killin' me, smalls! I always prided myself on being the one to dive in with no questions asked and no hesitation, no thought to the consequences. Am I growing up?

Straight Through Your Gaze

2010-02-24T13:54:00.002-06:00

I had some terrible but nice dreams these past 10 hours I slept. It included severed upper lips, the Pixies, best friends from back home, drinking, sleeping in a bed with a warm body, and being in a tall, creepy house.

Things are good. Friends are good. Music is good.
Good, good, good.

(!!!!)

2010-02-02T20:48:00.002-06:00

Excitement ten-thousand fold. I usually don't write about things like this, but this is almost too much for my head to handle.

Upcoming plans include going to Cumming the weekend of February 19th to see Kristin Pouncey (childhood best friend) for her 22nd birthday. Kristin Kiser will also be there. I haven't seen those two in FOREEEEVERRRRRR. I'm also going to be able to see Pouncey's family whom I haven't seen in even longer of a time. That weekend, I hope to also see Chelsea and Luke and Sam without having Josh around.

Then! March 24 - Seth, Chris, and I are going to Atlanta so we can see Dillinger Escape Plan that night and then they're going to see Joanna Newsom on March 26th. AGGGHHH! We're probably going to stay with Luke up in Cumming for the couple of nights we'll be there.

AND LAST BUT NOOOOOTTTTT LEAST.. We're going to BONNAROO!!!! It's in Manchester, TN and it's basically a 4-day music festival packed with RVs, tents, good music, and love. The lineup of bands hasn't been released yet. It'll be shown to the world in all of its glory on February 9th, and I can't wait. I'm pretty sure Explosions in the Sky are going to play... I hope a lot of certain bands play though. I'm freaking out. Could this be the peak of my life? It seems like it could be due to my extreme, EXTREME happiness.

Time to go shower and calm down.

Another Dream...

2010-02-01T19:26:00.002-06:00

Last night I had another dream that Noe cheated on me, and it really upset me. I woke up with a tear in my eye and my stomach in knots. I don't know why I keep dreaming about him cheating on me when it's been 6 months that I've been gone. Ugh... I feel like we're still connected. I feel like I'm still attached to him in another world; another dimension; another plane. I feel like my dream conscience is still with him. It's exhausting.

In the dream when I caught him cheating, he started crying and begging me to forgive him. I could tell he truly felt terrible about it. When he showed me how terrible he felt, I could tell he really loved me. It broke my heart.

Nobody will ever understand me and him. Nobody will ever understand the kind of relationship we had. It doesn't matter what I tell people, good or bad, about us... They will simply. Never. Get it. I have no doubt that I loved him, and I'm beginning to think that a significant part of me still does love him. And maybe I'll always love him and think about him until the day I die. I don't know. And if you're reading this, and you're a boyfriend or a husband from the future - I'm sorry. I'll stop here.

Brain Is Wanting to Break Out of Skull

2010-01-22T02:01:00.002-06:00

2:13am and I'm still up thinking about people that I shouldn't be thinking about. I'm thinking about Noe. I miss him. Even after everything that happened. It killed me when he told me that things would be different if I came back out there. I have a feeling they would be different, but there's still a chance they'd go back to being the same. I'd go back to feeling depressed and missing my family and friends. I'm almost sure of it.

After already going through another boyfriend and being depressed about that, and after...what... five months of being away from Arizona, I STILL THINK ABOUT NOE. I catch myself replaying good times we had, fights we got into, movies we watched together and how we laughed when we'd make jokes about them, restaurants we went to and what we both got to eat. I think about how we went to the arcade, how he'd put up with me going shopping while he was around, how I'd put up with him taking FOREEEEVVVEEERRRR in a comic book store, how we'd go to a late movie if we didn't have to wake up early the next morning and when we'd come out of the building the parking lot would be empty and cold.

I spent two years with Noe. TWO YEARS. That's a long time. And on top of that, I saw him every day. I can probably count the times we didn't see each other on one hand. The only time we spent away from each other was when he got in trouble and couldn't live with me. And in the end, it's not that I didn't love him anymore. It's not that I was all of a sudden sick of being around him all the time. It's because I missed my family and friends. I missed being in the south. I was tired of always seeing Mexicans and Native Americans. I was sad, and when he'd be an asshole to me - it just made it more difficult for me to brush it off.

I don't want Noe to disappear forever. I'm so afraid that no matter what I do, where I go, who I end up with, how old I am - I'm afraid he'll never leave my mind and heart. I'm afraid there will be more nights like this one where I'm up late thinking about him and the ways I can still stay in touch with him without actually talking. I want to talk to him, but I know he doesn't want to and can't talk to me, and I understand why he feels that way.

He told me that when he kissed my forehead at the airport, he wasn't kissing me goodbye necessarily but my "Frankenstein Forehead" goodbye. I can still remember the way I felt when I was hugging him for the last time. I knew it'd be the last time in this life. All of the memories of us flooded my head, and I wanted to stay. Remembering all of the hours we spent talking on the phone and sending each other e-mails before I moved out there; remembering the pure shit that we went through and got through together; all of the places we went; all of the lazy days we had; all of the sex; all of the violence; all of the drinking; all of the pictures and video games; all of the music and movies we shared; all of the inside jokes and codenames and words we had for things and people; all of the times I got upset over something stupid; all of the food we cooked together; all of the bitching we did over who did the dishes and cleaned the most; all of the mornings I woke up when it'd still be dark and I'd quickly get ready for work so I could lay in bed with him for a little bit longer; all of the nights we woke up to the train blaring its horn and rattling by. I was so ungrateful for it all. I didn't really appreciate it in the moment. It's horrible to think back to a relationship that you thought you were mostly unhappy in and realize that the reason why it WAS so hard to leave is because it really wasn't as bad as you thought.

Hole in the rock & the morning after. The park. Chandler Cinemas. Gameworks. ASU. The library. Whataburger. Rally's. Waffle House after that time I said I really wanted to leave, but I decided to stay. Mill Avenue. Zia. Phoenix Zoo as an early Valentine's present. Phoenix Suns basketball game.

A significant amount of my heart has been taken up.

Finally... Some Honest Emotions

2010-01-19T11:40:00.003-06:00

Last night, Josh and I talked on the phone, and he finally had enough when I said we wouldn't be together again. We went back and forth for a little bit, but eventually we both went down for the count, and decided that would be it. I put my phone on silent, went to sleep, and I woke up this morning to the following note Josh had written and posted on Facebook. Enjoy. This is probably the best anyone will ever describe me. Oh, wait... Was that self-loathing? Shit. I gotta work on this.

"Alright so I never do these notes so here it goes. You used me to get over all your mistakes that you made in the past couples years. Once you realized you didn't need me anymore you threw me to the side.You say you don't need other people but you use them like you do. You told me that you thought you were a bad person because of how you feel on the inside but I saw all these good deeds and how nice you are to people around you and I would tell you you were a good person. When I finally got to know you and the real person you are which I hope everyone will eventually do then they will realize as I did that you truly are a bad person and a vile piece of shit. I told you that I came to realize you were a bad person and you whimpered like a fucking baby. You said that you knew one day I would realize how horrible you were. You pity yourself so much that it is pathetic. Everything that has happened between us and my realization that you are fucked up in the head was all your doing. You told me when we first started talking that you were going to disappoint me but I didn't believe you at all. Now I wish I had listened to your little 'self loathing' warning. You are the greatest disappoint I have ever had and you will always disappoint the people around you until you stop making true all your little predictions. I have so much pity for someone as decayed as you. You told me that you truly loved me and that you hoped we would be married. I believed all your lies. In the end they were just words you would say in the moment to make yourself feel better about yourself. You would always talk about all the beautiful things in the world and how you wish you could get lost in them (the ocean mainly). How could someone as horrible and ugly as you see any beauty in the world? The worst part about it is that most of the horrible qualities you have I also have. The only difference is that I accept them and try to change them. You give in and buckle under all your little imperfections and act sorry for yourself but you are the only person that can change them. So instead of having all this self pity and feeling sorry for yourself because of how 'fucked up' you feel why don't you grow up and changed yourself and who you are. You always talk about that you want to change yourself ad that will be the first step.

she spread herself wide open to let the insects in
she leaves a trail of honey to show me where she's been
she has the blood of reptile just underneath her skin
seeds from a thousand others drip down from within
oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
my disease my infection
I am so impure
devils speak of the ways in which she'll manifest
angels bleed from the tainted touch of my caress
need to contaminate to alleviate this loneliness
I now know the depths I reach are limitless
oh my beautiful liar
oh my precious whore
my disease my infection
I am so impure
REPTILE-NINE INCH NAILS"

New Kind of Angst

2009-12-16T15:13:00.003-06:00

I'm thinking about getting my septum pierced tomorrow. I believe that living with my parents has brought me to an all new level of teenage angst... A kind of teen angst that only occurs in my 22-year-old self. It's not even "teen" anymore.

Speaking of angst, though... I'm becoming more and more pissy living with my parents. My dad and I don't speak that much to begin with, but my mother is getting on my last nerve. I'm SET on getting a car and my own apartment now. I'm tired of being angry all the time. I'm sick of it, and I honestly believe it's because I'm around my parents too much. I've already been out on my own, and having a mother around who's constantly trying to do things for me is slowly killing my mental well-being.

I can't think anymore. I have about an hour before I have to be at work. I don't know what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll look at more steampunk attire.

Take it easy, wheezy.

Hannah

I Can Unnecessarily Rant

2009-11-30T14:36:00.003-06:00

It is when you're sitting their and letting your mind cook. Everything is bubbling and boiling from the bottom up, and you become softer. Parts of your soul evaporate from you and sting the gods in their eyes. You have to keep yourself from sticking to the bottom and burning.

But why do I feel that I burn more often that most? I'd like to unscrew the cap of my being off and dust it off. My life is not bad by any means. I am able to take care of myself somewhat, and I am able to keep a job at a place where many people enjoy my company. I have a boyfriend who supposedly loves me very much, and I return the feeling. He's everything I've ever wanted in a guy, and he's willing to move down here to be with me. So why do I feel unhappy? Why do I still feel alone and on my own? Why do I still feel angry? I thought all of this came along only with my monthly period, but I shouldn't be experiencing any hormonal changes right now.

No matter how much of a good person I want to be, I feel there's something that keeps gnawing on my insides. Something bad. No matter where I run off to, it keeps following me the thousands of miles I go. No matter who I surround myself with. I thought that maybe if I surround myself with good people - happy people - then it'd fade into the dark where it belongs.

There is an anger that's trying to punch through my chest. It's ripping at my insides; tearing at my throat; squeezing my lungs. It's doing anything to get out. Maybe this is why people go crazy and commit murder or something just as horrid. I won't do that though.

I'M PISSED OFF. I left Georgia thinking that I could start over in Arizona.
I thought I could simply
just
start
over.

There have been many rude awakenings in my life, but probably no more than any other person. I like to think that I've experienced enough by now to truly realize that I shouldn't get my hopes up, and I should be realistic about things. If your parents don't pay rent, you'll be evicted. If you move across the country to live with a guy who you've talked to for a few years, don't be surprised if he ends up being a little different than you imagined. If you do not come from a rich family and you don't have a college degree, expect buying a car and living in your own apartment to be difficult.

I'm tired of this.

You Can Do No Wrong

2009-11-27T21:45:00.002-06:00

In my eyes...

I don't think I have the best mindset to go about moving around everywhere making friends, creating connections, and then leaving. I miss being in Arizona simply because I did have some friends at Johnny Rockets in Tempe, and Phoenix was a happenin' kind of place. Always something awesome to do. Maybe I'll end up back there in the future. But I just know that once I leave Pace/Pensacola, I'm going to miss it for the same reasons. I've become really close to April, and I enjoy my job despite how stressed out it makes me sometimes.

Maybe I feel this way because I'm alone right now, and it's giving me time to think about unnecessary shit. If I had Josh around, then I think he'd be a great distraction.

I slept all day after I got home from work. I was exhausted, but I did sleep too much. I have a headache now. My sinuses are stopped up again, and I've had a tremendous pain in my lower, left rib whenever I breathe in heavily. It kills me to yawn. I really need to take better care of myself. Empty promises over and over and over.

I hope Josh calls me or gets online soon. Bleh...

There's a Ghost In Me

2009-11-24T22:59:00.002-06:00

With my dad slowly leaving this life, I asked him if he wants to live to see me get married. Naturally, he said that he does want to. The first thing he wanted to stay alive long enough to see was me graduating high school. Now it's my getting married. That's his incentive. He said he needs incentive to live when one gets to be that torn up. After I get married, he said he wants to see my first child. Then he'll be good to go. I've had people tell me that there's no way I can prepare myself for losing a parent. I trust that advice, but seeing how my dad is suffering now - I'll be happy for him. The other day he said that he doesn't want to be recessitated if he gets really sick or on the verge of death. He said he'd rather go on as soon as possible to meet up with his own parents. He wants to die at home and not in a hospital. I'll try my best to carry all of this out.

I remember when I was in daycare around 3rd grade, someone had to explain the difference between a comment and a compliment to me. It's fascinating when I remember the exact moments I learned something that's so simple now. Squid moment #4?

Josh is the one who has stolen everything from me... but I've never felt so happy about being robbed of my focus, attention, and heart. I'm afraid about some things though. I'm afraid that it's too soon to love someone so shortly after leaving a 2 year relationship across the country. But if I feel it, and if that feeling is true then... fuck it! Why should I question what I feel and what I know to be true for myself? I suppose I worry too much about how things look to an outsider. He's planning on moving down here, and I'm excited. I'm nervous. I can't wait to spend as much time with him as I can. I can't wait to get into arguments and be temporarily pissed off with him. I can't wait to make up.

Sometimes I feel like my body and my mind are barriers for what something inside of me is trying to spew out. Maybe it's why I always feel so anxious and so nervous when there's absolutely nothing to feel that way about. Who am I kidding? I am always nervous about the next second, the next hour, the next day, week, month, year. I'm worried about how my life will turn out. I worry about the last time I'll see or speak with my dad. I'm scared that I'm going to spend the rest of my life as a waitress because I'm already in the business. I'll always feel like I never have enough money to move away and go to school. I'm afraid I won't have enough confidence in myself to make furniture. By this point, it's just another fantasy. I've changed my career choices about 40 times in the past almost 4 years since I graduated high school. It's all so exhausting. And I know it's fucking unhealthy to worry, worry, worry, but I'm never going to take medication to ease my mind. I have to learn other methods of how to deal with it, I guess.

I need to keep myself from... just thinking sometimes. Not tired though. Never tired. Just lonely. This won't make sense.

Alcohol.

2009-11-08T20:55:00.002-06:00

I love it too much.
I also love Joshua Rountree too much.
I have an addictive personality.
Please never give me drugs.

[?????????] HUH

2009-09-29T18:39:00.002-05:00

I am beyond amazed.

I was sitting outside in the garage when my parents came out to smoke. I started to get up, while holding my laptop and phone, to let my dad sit in the chair I was in. My mother was already sitting in her chair puffing away. While I was in the middle of un-reclining (?) the chair, my dad fell as he was taking a step down from the doorway into the garage. He broke his fall on the little trashcan that sits by the door and knocked a few tools over. He was obviously crushing it, but it was still staying sturdy.

I started to rush to help him up when my mom got out of her chair (still taking drags off of her cigarette). I figured she was going to help him up. Instead, she snapped out, "You're gonna break the trashcan!" My dad and I were astounded. There he was, obviously unable to get up himself, and she was complaining about him breaking the trashcan. I yelled at her to help him up, and she still just stood there puffing away on her cigarette. Then my dad had it, and he slammed his cane on the ground and yelled at her to put down her damned cigarette and help him up. I couldn't help but stare at them, mainly my mother, in disbelief.

This has added onto my frustration with my mother. She doesn't seem to understand that my father has grown old. Even though she may be able to function on her own, and she may be able to walk without feeling any pain - she doesn't get that my dad is not that way anymore. Whatever it is that's wrong with him, she shouldn't hold it against him. I feel that she does exactly this. I mean, I do get a little annoyed when my dad is asking me to get him one thing after another so that he doesn't have to make any special trips to the kitchen or something, but I keep it to myself and I try not to come off as being annoyed. I know that he can't help it, and I don't want him to feel bad about something that is somewhat out of his control. Now, I have a good feeling that it's not completely out of his control. He gets way too much sleep, he has a poor diet, and he smokes like a chimney. He ideally could change those things, but my old man is set in his ways. I've come to accept that.

Now. My mother on the other hand, she has NO PROBLEM making it clear to him that she's annoyed with him asking so many things of her. I could list all the things that she does, but I'd rather not. This upsets me though. My mom doesn't seem to find joy in anything except television, the birds that she feeds outside, sleeping, and spending money. Of course, she finds joy in other things but those seem to be the ones that stand out... Because that's what she drowns herself in all the time. I didn't even include smoking on the list because it's probably not a joy to her - just an automatic thing to do now.

Anyway, I just feel sad about it all. Today was a beautiful day, and I wanted my mom and I to go do something that included being outdoors, and she denied. She continued watching her show and then layed down to take a nap by the time I left to go do things by myself.

That's the way it goes, I suppose.

Some People Wake Up Feeling Happy After a Nap

2009-09-18T00:25:00.002-05:00

I've been going through some radical changes of the mind lately. Now... if I'll act upon these changes or not, I don't know, but it's been fun writing and reading about it all. I'm not so sure if my life has been meant to flow up to this point. Why try making it start to flow the "normal" way now?

I want to live in all sorts of places. I want to visit quite a few places as well. I've been tickling the thought of putting off school for a while until I figure out what it is I want to really do. Yes, I understand college is important if I want to live comfortably, but you have to understand that some of us people out there have an itch that we NEED to scratch. My soul is leaning towards fulfilling other things besides what's socially normal and acceptable. If I end up homeless and starving, then all of you can poke at my cold body with a cane made up of comfort and say, "I told you so."

My nights & days consist of personal red-light districts (minus the immorality, to an extent), cephalopods, the elderly, alcohol, and work. I cross the perforated lines. I bite my cuticles. I twirl a piece of hair in my fingers while deciding if a customer wants hashbrowns or grits with their 2 egg breakfast. I usually forget to ask.

Certain things & people are haunting my dreams, and I'm waking up frustrated as hell. I suppose I'm still not over Noe, and I'm still not over Arizona. I've also added the likings of a certain human to my mind, but things working out with that are near impossible if not completely.

If I could, I'd swim in the ocean again right now. I'd never swam in the ocean at night, and the only way I could was if I was drinking. Annnnnd that's exactly the state of mind and body I was in when I did. I remember the water feeling cold, everything around me was black, and when I'd float on my back it seemed as if I could see all across the universe - looking at stars that probably don't even exist now and have long ago died while also looking at the blank spots in the sky where new stars could be without any of us knowing.

There are all sorts of things that occur out of our vision's reach. I feel it's my duty to go with what I feel is right for my own well-being of the moment. My future is not within my vision's reach. Nobody's future is within his or her sight, but we still live every day as if we know the future is and will be there.

Ease your feet off in the sea.

Just... Bubbling. Bubbling Up. Billions of Ideas.

2009-08-28T16:30:00.002-05:00

Finally! Could this be a happy post?

Well, a few days ago, my laptop crapped out on me. I've gone through all this time and pain of trying to get my hard drive backed up. Bought two faulty external enclosures, but finally got it all to work. I'm too exhausted to explain any details. I gotta save up for a new laptop though.

I got a job at Village Inn. Everyone thinks it's a hotel when I tell them where I work, but it's a little restaurant that specializes in breakfast and pies. I guess I'm getting the hang of it. Today was my 3rd day of training, and at the end of my shift, I took a written test and then did a service test where I had to serve my boss and co-worker. I did well on both, I suppose, because they want me back tomorrow morning at 8 to serve by myself. EEEE! I'm excited. Mo' money.... less problems. At least for me.

Still sitting around when not working though. Too tired to do anything else. I was waking up around 11:00am almost every day before I got this job, and now I'm waking up at 6:00. Don't get me wrong, it's a lot better. I love being awake in the morning, but I also love being awake late at night. :( People say that something's gotta give, but I say no. No, thanks.

I've also been listening to Nine Inch Nails again. I think I'll forever love Trent Reznor...

So Long, Lonesome

2009-08-23T12:25:00.003-05:00

Well, I started my period yesterday. This explains my irrational anger, sadness, sleepyness, and overall... irrationality. It could very well explain why I've been having such depressing dreams lately, too.

Last night I dreamt that I was back in Tucson living in the "West Side Barrio Sovaco" again. I was on the bus with Noe, and there was this girl who he had known from high school or something. Out of nowhere, he put his arms around her and she was cuddling with him. I moved to another seat to see if he'd follow me, and he didn't. I got really upset, and I got off the bus prematurely. I remember running through woods and checking behind me to see if he was looking for/following me. After the sun went down, I heard him calling my name and running. I ducked behind trees and crouched in bushes. When I got a look at his face, it was oddly enough my ex-boyfriend from high school, Danny. He turned away for a second, and I bolted into someone's backyard - hopping over their fence. He saw me and was on my trail now. I ran fast enough so that I could reach a Target store. I ran inside and found some old man to give me a ride somewhere. He told me I'd have to talk to his young granddaughter about getting a ride. By the time I got to his granddaughter who was waiting in the car outside, Noe (changed faces again) was jogging through the Target parking lot looking for me. He'd go up to people asking if they had seen me and would dart away cursing after they didn't know who he was talking about.

I think at one point, he started crying and yelling out my name. I felt bad. But I remembered how he had his arms around that girl on the bus and the way he ignored me when I moved seats. So, I got into the girl's car, and I sank down so that he wouldn't see us drive by. We got to a red light, and he wandered over to the cars sitting there. He briefly looked inside the cars at the people, and when he walked up to our car - he didn't see me at first but when he leaned in the rolled down window to ask the girl if she had seen me, he saw me. I got out of the car and started yelling at him. While I was yelling and crying, the faces often switched from Noe to Danny. It ultimately ended with Noe's face, I guess. I can't remember anything else that happened after he tried explaining why he did what he did.

BLAH. It put me in a sad mood for the day again.

I have to go on though. Can't have too much of this sad business. I feel worse than I did when I first got here.

I swear: I'll cheer up, and I'll write a happy, little post soon.

Saturday Moment

2009-08-22T13:16:00.003-05:00

I had a dream last night about Noe. In the dream, I guess we were still together. He ended up meeting this redhead with huge knockers (for some reason that's how I imagine his dreamgirl), and he cheated on me with her. I was sad, and I woke up crying. But it dawned that we're no longer together... and that kind of made me feel worse.

I have no doubt that Noe really did love me. Although he did many questionable things that would prove otherwise - I still believe he enjoyed having me around most of the time. But I also have no doubt that his life will, in fact, be easier now that I've left it. Noe had a lot of things to care and worry about without having me around, and I hope that he's tightening grasp around looking for a career, passing his FE exam, and just trying to be a happy person overall now that I'm gone.

And so sets in the regret, the wonder, the fear that maybe Noe was the only guy who would love me... But that's silly to think and to be afraid of. There are TONS of guys out there who I'm sure I'll meet and have a relationship with. My good friend Cat warned me of these feelings. She seems to be the only person who has been giving me advice and pointers throughout this whole thing. My parents think that it's best not to talk about it so I don't get upset, and I guess everyone else feels that they've already said what they need to say about me breaking up with Noe and moving back to the East. "It's tough, but you're a strong person. It'll take time to get over it, but find a job and go to school as soon as you can." Then I'm kind of left in the dark. Cat has talked to me about this more than anyone, and she's made me feel better. She's made it clear that I'm not the only one who's gone through something like this, and the things that I feel are TOTALLY natural. So... Cat, if you're reading this, thanks. I've already told you thanks a million times, and I'll tell you a million times more until my heart is content. :)

I've tried looking for a job already. I can't tell you how many places I went and none of them were hiring. It's so... discouraging. BUT! No fear. I still have yet to go towards Pensacola to look for a job. With that being a larger city, I think I could have some luck there. It would just be a bitch to drive at least 15 minutes to get to my job.

Well, now that I've gotten some of that out of my system, I should go look for a job now. Wish me luck.

Hannah

Finally Some Moment

2009-08-21T22:06:00.008-05:00

Today was a good day. I had a chance to file my nails and repaint them. They're nice and long now. I still can't get used to handling every day things with them. I feel like anything I do is going to break them or bend them backwards. What a horrible feeling that is, too.

I bought a couple of goodies from the antique store yesterday. They're the best gifts I've bought myself recently. There's the old Moonshiner and then I got this "Mammy" type lady who watches over me at night and asks me every now and then if I'd like some "cawnbread" and "fried chiggin". It's almost like having a grandma around all the time.

Aren't they cute? Anyway. That's what's been keeping my chin up for the day.

I broke down and rented Twilight after all. I feel like watching something idiotic, and maybe I'll enjoy it! Hahaha... Oh, god. Help me.

2009-08-21T00:41:00.001-05:00

I really have low faith in humanity. And if that means I have low faith in myself, then so be it.

Night #4

2009-08-15T21:28:00.000-05:00

I'm extremely depressed and bored. There's nothing but old people in this town, and everyone's too busy to talk tonight.

Understandable. It's a Saturday night.

Nothing but myself and music.

I miss Noe so much.

Left Arizona

2009-08-14T15:49:00.000-05:00

I finally made the bold move and left Arizona and all of its people.

As a result, I broke up with my boyfriend. It's been somewhat of a sad time. People tell me it's normal to mourn over a relationship, even if the other person was an asshole. Sometimes I feel self-centered enough to think that God is basing all of his jokes around me. For instance, my mother and I were in this ho-dunk grocery store that was playing Celine Dion when we walked in. I was trying to choose which toothpaste to buy when suddenly, the song that would be considered to most as "our song" (me and Noe) came on. It was none other than "I'll Be Your Mirror" by The Velvet Underground & Nico. My heart sank, and I thought in my head, "Why, dammit? Of all the songs that could be playing during the 10 minutes I'm in here, why did this one have to come on?" And I'm pretty damned sure I've never, ever heard that song in a damned grocery store.

But it's all normal, I guess. It's been strange going from living in the city, surrounded mostly by Mexicans, Native Americans, and young hipsters to living in this small town that consists of old, white people. Any young people I see, judging by the way they dress and the friends they have, I'm almost positive they listen to Kid Rock or AC/DC and think it's the best. Bleh.

So, I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is that I'm with my parents now, and I need to obtain a $20 Florida license. Yeah. Twenty dollars. Isn't that ridiculous?

I'm bummed out that I left practically all of my art supplies in Arizona to either be thrown away or forgotten about. Noe's sisters are pretty artistic, and I told his mom they could have anything I left.

Not sure when I'll start looking for a job. I know that being a waitress, I can make a lot of money in very little time, but I'm going to try and go with a retail job. It'll only be for my sanity's sake.

Until next time...

Too Easily Attached

2009-08-08T00:53:00.000-05:00

I'm more of a parasite than a human being.

Adrift

2009-08-06T01:00:00.001-05:00

It is certain music that lays a blanket over me to keep me warm and confined; where no monster can get me. It's in my dreams that I experience a life where everything goes so well and to my advantage. Suppose that's why they're called dreams.

Someone has either been dancing with my soul or stepping on my grave for some time now.

I'm in my own little world, and you can't tell unless you have the same blood as me. We are all programmed to act like nobody else understands, but I'm afraid I have no choice but to act like I'm apart of the same world as someone standing next to me. Constant ideas, constant thoughts in my head. Visions when I listen to music, assumptions when I interact with people. None of us have the same experiences in this life. I'm alone, and my soul has already found some sort of happiness but it's not letting me in on the secret. I know I won't feel alone anymore when I figure out what it is my own self is hiding from me.

What To Do??

2009-07-29T15:06:00.000-05:00

Noe will be SO pissed if I tell him I'm not so sure about being an English teacher. I think I'll enjoy it, and it's an art in a way. I'd just love to be an artist. What a great job. With this thought, it leads me to explain my personal priorities that come up every day, every minute, every second. I guess these are why I can't stand to be productive.

Priorities In My Life:

Drowning myself in things that make me happy
Exploring my mind & imagination
Learning so that my mind & imagination can be expanded

I'm afraid that I'm not sticking to what I need.

I wish I could fall asleep and wake up in the place & state of mind I need to be in. Instead I'm just some sobbing wench dealing with Aunt Flo being around for now.

A fear of mine is that I'm going to really go through with something I want to do, and that'll lead me to only God knows where. I'm afraid I'll end up going to art school somewhere in a big city, and I'll try my darndest to become this sophisto artist (hey, look that rhymed!). I'm afraid that I won't mind working shitty jobs until I get my big break. I'm honestly afraid of that. I'm afraid of what could make me happy.

I'm almost 22. I should know what I want to be when I grow up by now.

My Parents Found My Blog

2009-07-18T21:52:00.001-05:00

So, now I have a new purpose to write. A new audience. I blushed when my mom told me how she read that last entry. The pissy one. I do feel bad about cussing so much, and it does make me sound like an idiot. Sorry, Mom & Dad.

BUT! It won't keep me from writing in this. It's become a mental outlet, as much as possible. I can't let out ALL of my thoughts, but... the appropriate ones, absolutely.

It's 7:54pm on a Saturday night. I studied for a bit, tried to compile a mix CD for my sister, gave up on that, and now I'm here. I don't think we're going to do anything tonight. May take it easy. Might play some video games. Who knows.

I went to bed with a headache last night, and I woke up with the same one this morning. That wasn't such a great start to my day. I tried to go to sleep to make it go away, but I guess that pissed Noe off. He called me lazy. So I mumbled to myself, the way that pissy girlfriends do, and I got up to wash some clothes despite my pounding head. Although, I do think that forcing myself to do stuff made my headache go away, but I will not let Noe think that he has defeated me.

I still feel uncomfortable here. Everyone's so up and Adam (is that how you say it?), and I'm sitting on my laptop. Rather, my laptop is sitting on me. I feel like I should be doing more. Maybe I'll look for new music.

You Leave a Bad Taste In My Mouth

2009-07-15T16:42:00.000-05:00

Everytime that I'm in the library here on campus - I see this short, old Mexican walk by. He looks creepy and scary. It's enough to make me not want to come here anymore. He doesn't carry any books, no bag, nothing. He just walks around in his cowboy boots, a tucked in, plaid long-sleeve, and dark jeans. He's always just walking around. I never see him sitting down anywhere or looking at any books. Ugh... It's a sickening feeling. I'm not trying to be full of myself here, but I'm afraid I'd be in the wrong if I said he thinks I look like a red-headed ogre & he wants NOTHING to do with me.

I'm a little cloudy on what we're supposed to have done for tomorrow's class. My teacher was going to give us a quiz on something we hadn't learned yet until I e-mailed him after class. Then he mentioned something about changing the homework? I have no idea what he's talking about. I might as well just pretend the e-mail is not there.

My days have become routine. I'm talking the exact definition. I have peeing down to a specific time in the day. I'm sure the librarians think I have no life other than to come here, study for hours, use their bathroom, and hog the huge tables all to myself. The point is, when I thought of this today - it kind of depressed me. My days are the antithesis of spontaneity. How boring and depressing.

My mind's comfort has been easily, EASILY interrupted these past couple of days. I feel very upset and pissed off. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with distaste that it makes me want to vomit and then fall asleep in my own expulsions. It's a little frightening I've gotten to that point where that small scenario sounds... kind of nice. Maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe my logic, senses, and my intuition are telling me that something is wrong. I believe in those "gut feelings", you know. I've always kind of ignored my gut instincts, but I have a feeling that these little guys in my stomach aren't taking "No" for an answer this time.

Bah. To Hell with it.

PS: OH YEAH, I MADE A 100 ON MY MATH TEST.

Liable to Become Blind

2009-07-11T00:27:00.000-05:00

I'm staring at my laptop screen in the dark. It'll be my own fault if I become blind in the future.

My dad informed me that after working for the railroad for 15 years, he saved up some retirement money. And by retirement money, I mean over $200,000?!!? Maybe I should go to work on the railroad. My dad said that it'll take care of my dad and mom until my dad passes away. When I calculated it, it should run out in about 10 years. So... they're planning on my dad dying within 10 years. I informed my dad of this, and he said, "Oh, Hannah! I don't plan on living ten more years anyway." How sad. I didn't want to think of this. In ten years, I'll be 31 going on 32. I can't imagine losing my dad within that timespan. I'm still all fucked up! I still need his advice and his talks. I'm afraid that once I get things right with myself, that's when he'll pass away. I don't want to stop sabotaging my life.

Sheesh... sometimes I think I have it sooooo bad, but when I think about it - at least I still got my folks. I don't know how I'll feel when they pass away. Just... ugh. I don't even want to think about it. Knowing that they wouldn't be there anymore. No longer someone to call up & talk to when you feel lonely. No longer someone that loves you absolutely unconditionally. No longer a crazy mom to call you and talk to you about things you could care less about. Hmm...

NO LONGER THINKING ABOUT THAT.

I'm sleepy. Goodnight.

This Bed Will Be Hot

2009-07-08T23:18:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting on "my" bed with my laptop on it charging. That means that once I decide to get off the computer and go to sleep, there will be a little area full of Hell. Such small, significant things about life.

Alright, alright. For some reason, I've been really interested in this girl's art and what she has to say. Mainly, I'm also interested in just the way she presents herself. She seems confident (okay, maybe a little too full of herself). I'm sure Noe thinks I have some kind of girl crush going on here, but that's not it. It's not too often that I become strangely intrigued by someone. In fact, I'm sure that if I knew this girl in real life, I wouldn't like her. Ahhh, the beauty of the internet: Never really knowing who someone is until you hang around them and you find yourself stabbing out your own eyeballs.

Okay, to the point - her name is Zoetica Ebb, I suppose. You may not find her interesting at all, but uhh... who cares what you think. I jest, I jest.

But seriously. Who comes up with those kinds of silly names? I'd feel SILLY! "Hello, I'm an artist, and my name is (thinking...uhh.. ) Froshetika Schmee Schmoo." Hey, maybe I'll use that.

Well, weening myself off of talking about a person I don't even know - Nothing much happened today. I went to my third session of class, I walked my third strut to the library, took my third shit, and did some homework. But sheesh, it was a lot of homework. I've never felt so mentally pooped out. Haha, hey! Maybe that's why I dropped out of college in the first place. *mumbles

But all is well tonight. I had a beer and began watching a movie I rented from the library. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly is the title. A little boring at the point I left off from, but I'll be watching another part tomorrow night.

My back muscles are sore, and my eyes are heavy and closing involuntarily on me. That's my cue to go to sleep, wake up, and do it all again tomorrow. Since when did life become such a chore for me?

(Oooh, ended on a depressing note.)

Perversion

2009-07-07T14:51:00.000-05:00

Alright, alright. Over the years, I've come to accept the fact that deep down - I'm a gross person. I talk about running to the bathroom only to "rid my body of the explosive waste that was churning inside me", and every once in a while (alright, maybe more than ONCE in a while), I imagine people doing things that would make my mother blush and exclaim, "Hush yo' mouth, child!"

I'm mentioning this because at one point in time, I had abso-shoot-ly NO problem talking about all of these sick things online & publicly. I had no problem drawing them, I had no problem writing about them, and I had no problem talking with friends about them. But now, I'm refraining from letting these thoughts slip out into the real world because I guess I'm more aware of consequences. I'm afraid that one day, a teacher of mine will come across something I wrote or drew (don't ask how), or I'm afraid that a future employer will stumble upon a drawing I thought was funny at one point and be quick to can my ass.

The internet has become a dangerous tool. It started out as a nice, innocent way to search for information (okay, okay - you had your usual porn sites that would pop up), but now you have shitheads (like myself) sharing their entire LIVES, their shit stories, their boyfriend/girlfriend drama, their thoughts of suicide, their pictures from a weekend that they got so drunk they stripped and then continued to shit all over the place. What I'm trying to say is, I guess I'm being cautious in a way now, but damn. It's enough to make me want to delete my Facebook, my MySpace, ALL of my old blogs, my Photobucket, etc etc.

But will I delete it all? No, probably not. Not now. Maybe when the time comes to get an actual career - when the time comes that I'll be this influential, English teacher - maybe that's when I'll delete it all. I'd hate to have awkward moments in class when little innocent Billy or Suzy says, "Hey, Miss Jones! We found all sorts of things you wrote and posted online!" I mean, sure. I have my MySpace private, and SUPPOSEDLY on Facebook, you can't see anybody's profiles unless you're on the same network. But all of that's bullshit. NOTHING ON THE INTERNET IS PRIVATE.

Whew.

The WHOLE point I'm trying to make with this... is that I am what I am, and that's all that I am.

And maybe sometimes it's best to keep it to myself and away from the world.

Seven Habits of Highly Effective People

2009-07-07T00:54:00.000-05:00

I can't see in the dark, and I think that's what the book is called.

I picked it up from the library today after seeing that my teacher recommended it on his syllabus. I've never read a self-help book before, and it feels strange. It feels pathetic.

Noe and I went to see Master of the Flying Guillotine tonight on the big screen. It was funny. Could've been the one beer I had. Apparantly, my boyfriend is a kung-fu movie master, and the things I thought were really funny... well, according to him - they weren't funny at all.

I'd love, LOVE, LOVE to buy one of those fancy, schmancy digital cameras that take flattering pictures. It seems like with those professional, expensive cameras - NOBODY can possibly look ugly in a photo. It's something about the lighting and the color. My whole dilemma, ever since I was a little girl, was trying to get that perfect picture that accurately (I mean, REALLY accurately) portrays how beautiful something is at that split moment. It all started with a sunset and a bowl of fruit resting on the dining room table. The sun was coming in through the blinds, gently falling upon the bananas, gazing upon the shiny, green apples. It glistened off of the glass bowl. My mom's tablecloth matched just right, too. I knew those floral prints had to come in handy one of those days. When witnessing such a nice sight, what else would a little 12 year old do? You're goddamned right if you say I went and grabbed my disposable camera AND my parents' digital camera. I took a picture with the disposable, then I took one with the digital. The digital was a disappointment. It seemed too fuzzy, too fake. The colors weren't as bright, the light wasn't as sharp. Walking with my mom in the Wal Mart parking lot, I was hoping the disposable one would come out fine, but just as we got in the car - I found it. Nothing too traumatizing. But...

That's when my heart yearned for SOMETHING MOARRRRRRRRR.